Things I Am Sure Of

I always have personal academic quests late at night. It's a little strange, but I've come to sure conclusions on a couple of things. 1) It's okay to not know or be uncertain as long as you're searching. 2) You know that question where people are asked "if they had to be left on a deserted island with one item, what would it be" thing? There's always those people who say they would have The Bible. Only that. No way. Not me. I would go entirely insane if I was left alone with that book. I'd read it thousands of times and still be unsatisfied and worried. I would drown myself. What I'm sure of is that The Bible is not enough on its own in this day and age. If you truly want to understand that book, you need to know all about each cultural time period and location it was written in or towards. There is no way. If you are a person with more than 3/4ths of a brain who doesn't blindly swallow everything spoon fed to them, you would entirely agree. A proper criticism with the Bible alone cannot be done unless you are a genius on ancient languages and cultures. Even then, you may need more resources. A lot of things are criticized and with good reason. The Bible does not get an exemption. If you are going to fully believe and apply the contents of a book to your life, you had better be critiquing something before you make that decision. So anyway that is my small list of big things that I am sure of.

Menial Frustration

Ughhhhhh how dare my game save be corrupted somehow. Like it's not the CC and it's not the mods. WHY! Why on my legacy family?! Why after spending 2+ weeks on the building this save?! GRRRR. The loading screen has like 1% left and does not budge and will stay like that for hours. If that's not frustration I don't know what is. I'm mad about this. I'm mad that I'm mad about this. I should be frustrated about finals right now. I don't want to rebuild. It's crap like this and crashes that make me not play for months on end. I should push on though. Can't stop my momentum now. I will take so many precautionary measures that this crap will not be as destructive. Now I have to mourn the loss of my progress. I'm in the anger and depression stage at the same time. Corrupt data is the worst.

Lucky Duck

No, I don't think you understand. I am so flipping lucky it is blowing my mind. You don't meet people like this everyday. It was one of those rare opportunities. I live in Texas. He's up north. Somehow we meet through a penpal site. About a year and a half later we meet in person. He's kind and open. It's rare to find people so concerned about others' well being. He likes the things I do, yet we have a good amount of differences too. We click. We more than click. We're wonderful friends. We become more than wonderful friends. He thinks kisses are special and shouldn't be overused or misused. Our first one is while we slow dance alone in the rain on a stormy night. He also loves cuddling. Wow. Love isn't a feeling. It's a choice and we as friends made that choice. It wasn't until after his visit that I realized I had also fallen in love with him. The next visit I travel to him. It's wonderful. I really cannot explain how incredible of a person he is outside of any of the romantic stuff. He's ambitious, smart, funny, dreamy, caring, compassionate, open, trustworthy, loyal, talented, creative, a wonderful singer and guitarist, and very human. Communication is all we have most of the time. So in order to make things works we have to be honest, even if it means saying difficult things, and vulnerable. But that brings people closer together if they're willing and truly care about the other person. So we decide after that visit to become a thing. We don't like the label boyfriend-girlfriend thing. So we go without a name for it for awhile. He is probably the sweetest person I have ever met. If humans were sugar, this boy would have put me into a diabetic coma already. He is so romantic and it's like we very much get each other on the romantic wavelength too. To be honest, not one person has hit that with me until him. One day we decide we are both royalty so he is my prince and I am his princess. That's our label. Throw up all you want from the mush, but I love it. Cheesy pick up lines are hilarious and can be sweet. We laugh at the dumbest stuff and get to be entirely dorky with each other. We can be serious with each other and have deep conversations. We can be intellectual with each other. We can be loving with each other. We can have upsetting conversations with each other. We don't have to tell each other we love the other because we know it. I know it. I don't have to hear it. And when I do hear it, it means so much more than what I used to believe it meant. It makes me want to do nothing more than love him to the best of my ability. And I'm so glad it's with him. I am so lucky. So so so lucky. We may be far but he is worth every second we are apart. I don't know where this is going because we're so young. I have grown so much and so has he. I am beyond a lucky duck to get to experience this kind of relationship. Like I said, I wouldn't have wanted it with anyone else. He's magnificent.

Want Want Want

Grrrah there's something I really really want right now.

I want our eyes to meet and our bodies to follow like magnetic poles drawing each other in. And when we're finally close enough where it doesn't take much effort to touch you, I want your hands to gently reach for the sides of my jawline to bring our gaze closer. With only an inch left between the tips of our noses, our eyes will instinctively close because a different connection is about to take place. With my lips slightly parted, your warm, soft ones lightly greet mine as if to say hello, I've missed you. With eyes still closed, the second one is more like an embrace as I remember your smell and taste. The third part is much more intense but still gentle as the overwhelming feelings of, "Thank goodness you're here in my arms,  I've missed you so much, and I love you," flood through. Your warm lips relax and slip away from mine as we both pull back and open our eyes. The gaze between us is supercharged, and we decide to just hug each other before coming back to the world. We ignored the rest to just take in the other. That's what I want. Soon enough I suppose. I really want to cuddle too. It's like torture in one way but really nice to know it's not just you alone feeling that way and that someone really cares about you. I'll distract myself until the day comes which is like less than 3 weeks. I am freaking out internally with excitement.

Um um

Completely waaaay off tone from previous post which is okay. I would love to keep it that way.
I have discovered the best thing ever. It's absolutely a maybe not so new but maybe fashion statement and I hate fashion so you better believe it's not for the public eye. I did not make this up but have discovered its existence. Okay, are you ready?....Big sweatshirt and underwear only. Not only do I feel rebelliously cute with no pants or shirt, but I feel wonderfully comfortable like a hobo too. It's even better when the underwear happens to be boyshort style because I can prance around confidently. I wish I could wear this around the house 100% of the time. Crap if people weren't so freaking offended by girl skin, I'd wear it proudly to get the mail. Ha who am I kidding? If I was dared to do that now, I would hesitate and then probably do it. See it has nothing to do with what I want others to see. Honestly, I would be invisible if I could. It has to do with my comfort and how I want to feel about my body. I don't want people to look at me and think dirty things or think that I'm a slut or think anything. It's not about them. It's about me. If skipping around in a sweatshirt and underwear only makes me feel comfortable, cute, and confident then I have set up my own equation for happiness. I hate pants. More specifically, I hate jeans. They are the worst idea ever and whoever deemed them as casual but more fancy than nice athletic sweats from club soccer needs to play butts up with the women's national team shooting. Burn jeans. Sweatshirts and underwear forever.

What's Wrong With Me

Reasons why I have wanted to die in the past:
-realizing I have to constantly live through inequalities for myself and others
-feeling stuck in a path in life
-what is the point of anything ever (current, but not suicidal)

Since my trip to the hospital a couple months ago, I've been doing lots of thinking. That's landed me in the world of having an existential crisis. My brain is imploding, tearing itself apart, and becoming a black hole as we speak. I don't know anything. I don't know if I actually exist, what the heck I am other than a weird combination of stardust, and I don't understand anything. I don't know the point of life, earth, the universe, or if there are other universes. Like I'm tiny. So very tiny. I don't know where we came from, if there's a god or how things started and where god came from if there is one. Where in the world did morality come from? So we don't kill off the human race? Being self aware of our eminent doom and existence is the worst thing ever. Is that why religions are created? A self correcting error so that we can deal with the anxiety of existing to further survive and not be stuck in our heads? I don't know. What the heck. There are so many religions. They all have really crazy ideas and stories. Every single one of them has a crazy concept and so does science. But they all have truth in them too which is even more frustrating. I am literally a combination of some particles (atoms, electrons, whatever your heart desires) that are in everything else. But somehow I'm aware that I am those particles and questioning the purpose while other particles are not even aware of themselves and may never be. They just are. If that isn't some crazy crap, I don't know what is. I am so confused. I wish I was a tree. How easy would that be. So during this existential crisis I've been having for about a month or more, I've discovered I have two definite goals that will never dissolve until I no longer exist:
1) Die at some point. I do NOT want to be immortal on this planet as me. Luckily, something tells me I'll achieve this goal. Maybe I'll figure out what comes next or maybe not. Ya know, the whole idea of the soul which I'm still debating.
2) Give my particles to the Earth to be recycled after I die. You know what's actually pretty neat? The stuff I'm made out of not only came from stardust, but it came from other things the stardust created. People, plants, animals. The things that died and became other things that then my mother had to somehow ingest to then form me. Like how crazy is that? I may be part tree or part squirrel. Sweet. So I should give mine back to become something else and eventually, hopefully, part of someone else.

So my goals might not sound fulfilling while I'm alive, but in a way they are. It's a form of hope I suppose. That may sound grim, but like I said I really don't know the point of this living thing we do. It's very confusing. In some aspects, I hope there's a god, but in other ways, I don't want one. The gods talked about scare me because sometimes they are too reflective of humans. Many are contradictory and may be easily deconstructed. Why would a perfect entity get angry? If it's perfect, would there not be an understanding within itself to not make it angry? You see? Humans get angry. Anger is a mixture of fear and pain. A perfect entity that is all powerful would not be fearful. Humans like justice. They want their purpose and others' to be justified and praised or punished. At this point, all I want in my life is to understand and to know I'm not worthless in the grand scheme of things. Whatever that scheme may be if there is one. Great. Square one. And at the same time I'm happy I am able to dig this far in me and yet obviously unsatisfied. Maybe everything ever is supposed to be a giant contradiction to equal itself out. Probably. I don't know. It's 1am. I'm not really sure what I'm saying at this point.

Why Religion Sucks

Religion is a touchy subject, and people get really offended when you start bad-mouthing theirs. But in all honesty, there's room for criticism. If you aren't questioning things and getting angry at things in a religion, something tells me you might be doing it wrong. Now this is all from a perspective of a girl who didn't grow up in a religious household but has sought spirituality on her own. I didn't have a church, a community, or people telling me what the truth was all the time. I had to figure it out on my own. I had to read tons of materials because the Bible alone is hard to understand in this day and age. I had to try religion on as if I were shopping for clothes (which I hate). But what really gets me is when people BRAG about how "good" they've been in their lives. They've followed this rule or didn't do this like everyone else, and somehow that makes them better, more pious, holier than thou, and whatever else. Like congratulations do you want a medal for being obedient? Obedience isn't that difficult when things are put as black and white. Sorry, but you really need to be humble. If your god died for the sins of others, doesn't that put them on the same level as you? These rules set up a hierarchy in people's minds that they are above others because they haven't done certain "bad" things. Hierarchies are not good. They cause inequalities and oppression. I am no better than a murderer. Why? Because I didn't grow up with that person's brain, genetics, environment, and life experiences. And they didn't grow up with mine. Switch it around and we would have done the same thing. That's why people who flaunt their obedience get about 0% of my praise. In Christianity, Jesus' death made every single human's worth the same. Doing good things doesn't put you on a pedestal in my book if you have always been doing "right". People deserve praise when they grow and change from doing destructive things to productive things. Growth deserves praise because obedience from the start is just stagnant water. Change is hard.
Real talk on why I'm ranting. It always kills me inside because people think staying "pure" is some crazy thing that should be applauded and put above people who aren't pure. Like if that isn't some bullshit, I don't know what is. Pure is "clean"; clean is good. Impure is "dirty"; dirty is bad. Hello hierarchy. Pure people think they deserve other pure people. Give me a break. That's like saying rich people deserve more money. You see the problem? I admit I used to look down on girls who gave this concept of virginity away before marriage. I even looked down on myself and beat myself up over it for years after I did the same. But I am no less than someone who hasn't had sex. In all honesty, sex before marriage is a personal preference as is religion, political party, and your favorite color. I discovered more about myself and what I believe sex should mean to me personally after I beat myself up. I regret doing what I did because of the pain it brought. But I also don't regret it one little bit because it brought me here with this new understanding. I've decided it's not just a physical interaction. It's so much more than that to me, and now that I know that, I don't want to give it to any person I just date. I'm not mature enough for my definition of sex, and I don't know when I will be. I just know that I plan on saving the new meaning of it with my spouse and not actively using my old definition of it ever again. It doesn't really matter to me whether the person I marry has had sex or not in the past because that was the past. What matters is what they know and believe about it if they make that commitment to me. I won't marry someone who's view on sex is completely backwards from mine, simply because we won't mesh. Make sense? If someone wants to have sex all the time and share that with lots of people, that is their choice. Not yours. Their choice is theirs and you don't have to marry it. I am so done with judgmental people on this topic. I didn't even get into how this applies to couples that are homosexual or trans. That's almost an entirely different rant. Screw hierarchies. Get off your high horse. We are all just as good and bad as the other.

Transparent

I'm still doing good. No bad thoughts. This isn't a negative feelings post. It's going to sound bad at first but I swear it's not.

It would be so easy to watch me bleed
You wouldn't even have to know where to cut
My veins practically glow through my skin
You can see them in my fingers, hands, arms and extending into my torso
The translucent skin on my untouched midsection reveals how the traffic flows
In the highways of my life
If you look closely you can see it through my legs and onto my feet
I'm just an extensive map that could be traced with a pen
My gallery of freckles being towns all around
My scars representing battlegrounds that were mended but not forgotten
My stretch marks being mountains formed by earthquakes of expansion
The hairs like trees
I am alive like the world around me
My skin is transparent enough to see the life within
It's as if I am my own unique map
And there are millions of maps that could be explored
But someone will be perpetually fascinated with yours.

Today

Today is the first day I have felt very normal. Like 100% normal. Not upset. Not questioning my purpose. Not thinking about death. I don't know. I'm happy that I've gone all day without feeling bothered or useless. So in the midst of all the sad posts I've made, here's to the positive because today I feel back to normal. :)

Life is Weird

Most people just do life. They think about things, but do they really think about life?
I don't get it personally. Faith is something that helps, but I suck at faith and spirituality apparently.
So I question where am I going? What's the point of still going? Why am I going? What happens when I stop going? Is there more out there than this tiny place in the entire universe?
The concept of God is useful I guess, but it's pretty hard to grasp if you aren't letting yourself be spoon fed. Like a being of some sort created all of this and made us. Where did he come from though? How could he just always be there? Maybe a being created all this, evolution and all those crazy scientific theories took place, and the being doesn't interact with the universe now. I believe that's called deism. But then there's all these crazy religions. Tons of them mixed together to form other religions and the world is just full of these mixing pot religions. Like there's this crazy book called the Bible which was written by man, but inspired by the word of God? And I'm supposed to believe that man didn't make a couple mistakes along the way? Through all the interpretations of these stories and letters all crammed together, not one mistake was made? I'm supposed to believe someone who wrote things didn't have bias or perhaps the knowledge of what they were interpreting rules about. Anything you write reflects the culture you live in. That's why literature is so important. It reflects viewpoints in history that can't be put in a textbook. So the people that wrote those books and letters of the Bible were reflecting their culture. Then the interpretations reflect our culture. It's kinda a lot of mess going on because there's a lot of viewpoints being mixed together into this story or rule or lesson. So I kinda want to take the general overview and apply it to my life, but I have a hard time believing so what's the point? Love other people (this implies WAY MORE that people give it credit for; so many books could be written on this alone) and you're allowed to mess up. That's what I get overall. But like I said I have a hard time grasping the reality of the generality that is Earth and us and it's purpose in this whole God thing (and just God in general too). Like if the universe if infinite who's to say there's not another place with living creatures on it. The odds may be slim, but in an infinite setting, more than one is going to pop up. And yeah, cool, humans on Earth are saved; thanks Jesus. But why? What is our role in this universe? Geez I don't even know my role on this planet. Why is this happening? I am literally a tiny floating speck of an electron in this universe. WHAT IS THE POINT. I don't think I'll ever know, and to be honest, that really bothers me. I so desperately seek the truth and it's so hard to believe anything. Curse these advanced frontal lobes we were given. It produces more trouble than it's worth. These ideas are not complex. They're basic, but they are driving me insane. And for some reason I keep going with life. It's all I know how to do. That's why I want to die. I want to know what's on the other side if anything at all. I want to know my purpose. And if there ends up not being one, then oh well. I will have completed my experiment, and maybe my death will do something for someone else. That could be my purpose. Or that when I die, I decompose and then recompose the trees and grass and flowers into the beautiful symphony that they're meant to be. Death is seen as something awful, but it's actually quite beautiful. In death there is life. Death sounds selfish, but it's actually very giving. Yeah wow look at what I'm saying. I can never stay on one topic and we always end up back here. Ironically that's where everyone ends up I suppose. I just want to know what happens next and why.

Ugh Priorities

So in my last post I was talking about future children. Well...oh wait this looks like I'm about to announce I'm pregnant or something. HA. Nah man. There's nooooo way. Well the thing is I'm already prioritizing my future family above my future career. Which is all fine and dandy until you realize you don't even know what you want to do, and the thing you kinda want to do is completely unpredictable with that sort of thing. I'm having a difficult time with this. I'm freaking out. I want to give my family everything, but I would be so bored being a stay at home mom. My brain would waste away. But I don't know what my career aspirations are. Plus, I would preferably like to be 27-29 when I have kids, maybe up to 30 or 31, but I don't want to push things. I know you can't have a schedule for that sort of thing and sheesh I'm only 20, but this is really really important to me. Like when life seems rough and I really don't want to go onto the future, the only thing I can look forward to is having a family (which isn't even guaranteed). I'm still very very lost about what I want to do and it's driving me insane. It literally drove me insane two months ago, and I'm still so stressed about it. Writing about my problems never helps. It always makes it worse..great.

Nobody Knows

No one knows that I feel perfectly fine with myself. I just feel lost and my brain can't seem to figure it out. Sometimes I get mad at myself and want to tear myself up but I don't. But I don't hate myself. Sometimes I do things wrong and sometimes I'm selfish, but I'm human. I'm okay with me. I'm pretty comfortable as me. It's situations and the place I live that is not okay. Nobody knows that I still feel like I would be better off dead. I wouldn't have to bother people or waste their money. The only thing that would upset them would be me being dead and that would slowly fade. I want to run away and live in the wilderness if I knew how to survive properly out there. Then people wouldn't bother me and I wouldn't bother them. I could just explore and curiously learn about the world around me. And then when I die my body would go back where it belongs. In the dirt, in the trees, in the leaves, the grass, in the animals. In other things. That would make me happy. Nobody knows that I won't harm myself because of pain and scars. People would know then. So I use a red marker and draw lines where the cuts would be and trace my untouchable veins. I pick the skin on my fingers until they bleed sometimes so they're pretty scarred up now but no one notices. I viciously tear at small spots of skin on my arms that are scabs until the dry skin is gone. I used to think if I tried to die I would probably fail, but I realized if you jump from a high enough place, there's no way you'll survive. Then you get to feel the rush of air and adrenaline and probably a sense of freedom right before you die. I thought I'd be afraid to jump so that's why I didn't consider that an option. Now it doesn't sound scary. I don't think death is as bad as this world makes it out to be. Who knows where death leads? Even if it leads nowhere that's okay too. No one knows I hate being a girl sometimes only because of the way guys look at me. It makes me not want to be me. I hate that breasts are sexualized. It makes me so angry and sometimes very self conscious to the point where I don't want them anymore. I don't really want to go through the stages of life. It seems pretty bland after awhile. That's why I sorta want to stop now. But as much as I talk about it, I probably won't do it. It would take way more than I'm aware to make me. It's far too ambitious for me to try. Besides I have to keep going in life to see if I hit that point. I don't understand why attempted suicide is a crime or a sin or a bad thing for that matter. It's my life. It's my choice. Just like it would be my choice to drink a crap ton of alcohol or smoke 3 packs a day. Those are all legal and slowly kill you, but no one finds that to be a mental illness (except for alcoholism). Suicide is saying I've had enough of this crap; I'm out of here. Why does anyone else have the right to stop them? Yes, you're dead. Yes, you're no longer feeling anything or present. But I think that's what people want sometimes. Pain is temporary and so are "problems," but maybe people just want to be done. They've weighed the positives and negatives of life and decided it still wasn't worth it. Maybe I'm crazy for thinking this way and should be calling a doctor, but I'm not. Like I said, I won't kill myself. Not tonight. Not tomorrow. Probably not in a week or a month. Not to mention your family has to pay like a ridiculous death tax and pay for a dumb funeral and a stupid fancy box that they're attempting to preserve you in. Like a loved one just died? There's a fee for that. That's why running away from the world to the wild doesn't sound bad. Cause one, no stupid, overpriced box, and two, people wouldn't be sad that you died since they wouldn't know. You know, I'm pretty sure this whole thing is what they refer to as "glamorizing suicide," but I don't think I'm glamorizing it at all. In fact, I think it's all very blunt and these are my thoughts. There's nothing good about it, but it's weighing which bad thing I would take over the other. I sound crazy because it's controversial to think attempted suicide shouldn't be considered a sin or a crime. Oh well.

If I Ever..

If I ever bring a child or two into this world, holy moly, am I scared for them. I like kids, but it's sorta scary to think they'd be growing up in a world where you can get access to anything at any point. With 8 year olds texting each other to internet access, it's just a little rattling. I know as a kid, after I got a virus on the computer, that exploring the internet was not always smart, but I learned my way around the places I liked. Keep in mind I was in middle school so I wasn't like 10 or under. My brother on the other hand was more prone to finding toxic things considering he got a looser chain than I did. I mean I was much older until I came upon things that were burned into my brain and made me question humanity. The ratio of bad things to good is probably like 20:1 if not higher. I know you can restrict kids, but there are parents that don't. Their kids talk to your kids at school and tell them all about it. Sometimes they tell them how to get around it. Not to mention kids are way smarter than we give them credit for and discover things at a quick rate due to natural curiosity. Or at least, that's how I remember learning html and graphics editing/manipulation. Texting is the other scary thing. I mean geez sexting is like huge nowadays. Wow. I just realized I'm freaking out about the safety of my children that don't even exist yet and probably won't for another seven plus years. Okay then..I guess I should pick up on this topic in another seven plus years after technology has changed like crazy again.

I Am Lost

I don't know where I'm going or where I want to go. I don't know who I want to be. I don't really know what I want. I just don't know anything. I am so lost that it looks like I am nowhere. Nothing I have done feels worthwhile. I don't know my purpose. I want to help others, but I need help first. I don't know what the heck I'm doing. I am so lost that I physically want to get lost so I can feel at home. I don't understand.

I am a girl with an androgynous mind. I am fiery. I am quiet and shy. I am a listener. I am a learner. I am curious. I am a sister. I am a strong believer in equality. I am someone who loves to laugh. I am 20. I am able to choose whatever. I love him AND I am in love with him. I am indecisive. I am a human. I am scared. I am lost. I am free but I am stuck.

Where am I

What a Weirdo

Referring to myself.
I wonder if there's something wrong with me. I'm not really fond of being a girl. It's not hard to imagine why. Periods, carrying and pushing out babies, the social uncalled punishment, being seen as the "weaker sex." I don't know, but I don't feel like a girl in my head. I don't feel like a boy either though. And I don't want to be a boy. But women get very emotional about having to lose their breasts to cancer. I understand being upset about cancer, but if I had to kiss my boobs goodbye, I would not be heartbroken in the slightest. Bras are freaking expensive. I'm just not sure what I am or really what I want to be. I feel like this biological sex thing is only useful for one thing and that's reproducing. I'm not sure why my organs determine what I can and can't do in the eyes of others, what my traits are, how I think, how I respond, and everything else I'm supposed to be. I can't identify. Like yeah I'm attracted to men, but that's pretty much it. I feel weird, and it's weird because I have always felt like this. I haven't really been able to put it into words though when I was younger. Anyway, time to go watch a scary movie.

Reset Button

If I could just pack up and leave and start anew, I think I would. I want another life. I want a do over. I want to start over and try again. Maybe with different surroundings. Leave the people I know behind and be someone I'm not in a place I've never been. Then maybe I'd like it. I could be outgoing and confident. I could be cute and flirty because no one would know me. I wouldn't even have to have the same name. I could make up a nickname for myself. I feel like I've hit a wall in my life and I'm stuck since I'm not sure what to do next. I think it's because I've made one too many mistakes. So if only there was a reset button like a video game, I could try again and take it slow to do things right.

Interpretations

AHHHH I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW. I've been feeling so distant from religion and so set off by the complementary view of the female/male relationship that is often preached. But at long last, I have discovered I'm not crazy for feeling weird about that and that there's a thing called egalitarianism in Christianity that agrees with my viewpoint. Like I almost started singing from being so happy. Ah yes. Then I read an article and just wanted to dance because I am not insane. I can still attempt to go down this Christian rode that I thought might dead end. *flies off into infinity and dies of satisfaction*

Late Night Thoughts

From last night.

I want to curl up with you in a dark and quiet room where I can't see a thing. To explore what we get little of. Using gentle fingertips to find the other's. To let our legs tangle like vines. To hear the rhythm of your heart and feel the beat echo throughout you. To feel the rising of your chest and feel your warm breath against my skin as it falls. To lightly touch the softness of the skin on your nose with mine and compare it to the friendly scratchiness of your beard. To carefully place my lips on your hand, neck, cheek, forehead, nose, and mouth. To blindly trace the features on you to get to know them better. To feel the warmth radiate like the love between us. Seeing nothing yet seeing everything. Can I just curl up with you and say I'm here to stay?

People Who Comment On Yahoo Articles

Why I always scroll down to look I don't know. It's like picking up a rock and finding the world's most extreme, ignorant, and insensitive people from America. It's gross. Do you think if you beat people with books long enough the information will somehow flow into their damaged brains? I just...Sheesh. Abby Wambach made the articles after she married her girlfriend, and of course the users explode with, "why is this news," or "if she married a man it wouldn't matter." All of which are complete crap. She's a famous soccer player considering she has outscored Mia Hamm so she's probably going to make the news whether you like it or not. She's a great role model for younger girls so everyone's homophobic comments should self destruct. I just. Why. This isn't the only article where this sort of crap happens.

Lack of Motivation

The title literally says it all. I don't feel motivated to do anything. Need to call someone about missing all this school? Eh. Leave on time to get somewhere on time? Oh well. Contact someone to get volunteer work? Bleh. Look for a job? Blah. Exercise because that's what I should do? No thanks. Make myself a meal so I don't starve off? I'll pass. Like what in the world. It's like I've passively lost the will to live or do anything with myself. Technically, I did lose the will to live a couple weeks ago and landed myself in a hospital. But here I am not feeling with it. I don't want to relapse and land myself prisoner to another ward. I don't know. Things aren't as shiny or nice. I don't really know what my purpose here is. I feel ungrateful because there's a lot to be happy about but I'm not happy. I just feel the need to lay around and waste away. Wow writing is really depressing. And in the actual sense. I need to stop now.

The World Before Us

We fill our lungs with the same air.
Our hearts beat the same liquid life.
We can both see the world before us
Yet we are separate.
Two separate things able to share our own touch with one another.
Touch each others skin and hearts.
Separate beings coming together to share similar life but different lives.
The world becomes more beautiful with more eyes to see it.

In Other News

Besides whatever is happening in current events which is apparently madness, I bring you an important news bulletin.

ATTENTION: I am very freckly, and a certain boy told me he's making it his goal to kiss every single one of my freckles. If that isn't one of the cutest things you've heard, then please reconsider your personality as I blush to death. That is all.

Hello Again

So I am back from all of my hospitalization. Hooray. But unfortunately I'm developing another very serious illness...

I have a One Direction song stuck in my head. It's all downhill from here. I now find myself singing the song randomly. I've listened to it thinking it might go away, but alas, it did the opposite. It's a slow and painful death from here. At least with this boyband, I don't find any of them attractive. A miracle that will save me from becoming an obsessive fangirl, but their stupid music is so flipping catchy. I'm scared.

Gecko

I want the sky in my lungs

I want the ocean in my veins

I've got your name in my head

I want this love in your heart

If you come out and play

We don't have to hide

We can be two ghosts in the night

Let's not be haunted by fright

It's okay if you go

But I wish you would stay

No one has quite seen me this way.

Can I Drop Now

I'm exhausted. The dragging thoughts haven't stopped, school is more stressful, and with no one to go to, I've about had my limit. Not only am I drained emotionally where I'm a complete wreck with people I care to have actual conversations with, but this is taking away from everything. I can't exercise without getting upset or just feeling so so tired all over. Being tired you'd think I'd sleep fine, but I either feel like my sleep is restless sleep where I just want to wake up or I don't want to get up at all. I can't concentrate on things as well and my thoughts will often drift off into the not so good area. I want to hide away from everything and everyone, but at the same time I want to just burst out crying about everything to someone, anyone. I don't even want to go to school anymore which is entirely backwards for me. I'm not enjoying what I'm learning which is also backwards. I just want to give up. I want to drop on the floor. I want to drop out of life. I want to drop out of existence. Just for a little bit. Or maybe forever. I don't know. I actually read something that described it well. People don't inherently want to jump out of buildings, but when the building is on fire, the jump looks a lot better than the flames licking your back. Maybe the fire is an illusion but it doesn't feel like one. The crazy side of me wants to do something entirely all too radical but sometimes I really wonder where it would take me. I just want to be done. I don't really care about the end point anymore because it doesn't feel worth it. I want everything to pause, but life doesn't have a pause button. There's only a stop button and once you hit it, there's no play button to push. I don't know if I want to hit stop, but I do want to be done. Maybe that's the same thing. I would like to exit this ride. This things called life is as good as it gets apparently and I'm really not enjoying any aspect of it. I don't even know if I care about having a family anymore because I don't even want to continue anything. Maybe I need to do something crazy. Something that pushes the limits. Wow is that how people get into drugs? I actually have no clue. I'm pretty ignorant on the minds of drug abuse so I can't go making assumptions. Either way, that won't be an option nor a consideration. Yeah I don't know what I'll do.

Edit: I don't know how much longer I can do this.

Reveal, Revive

I feel terrible. Inside and out. When I get this way, I want to hide away from everything and everyone. This includes forces I can't get away from, nor should I resist. By forces I guess I mean help. I don't really want help from people though. I don't want to listen to their advice. It's not what I want. The answers aren't the right answers. I already thought of those answers. I just sort of want to start fading away into the background. Anyway I made this

So like everything I make, it's a mess. So there's a bunch of red and gray mess under the white if you happen to be color blind. The red and gray I guess are kinda the pain and troubles that are from some wound or hurt people encounter. People try to mask it and cover it up, which is the white that looks like it would be used for a wall or something. You can't actually cover it and draw yourself up as something you're not because it will show somehow. The dark blue streaks on the face are because I personally feel my indicator for portraying my state of mind is through my face. When someone else reveals their love towards your revealed wounds, that's where revival comes in. They start mending the cuts.
I don't know if I want to be mended though. I feel like I'd be bothering people. I don't want to waste their time or mine. That's why the person or whatever that is in the picture isn't drawn out. It's more like a soul or spirit. I don't really know. I'm not having such a great time. Plus my immune system seems to be effected by this too. Bleh. 

Nightmares

I like sleep, but I wish I could just sleep without any dreams or nightmares. You know, the kind where you're practically unaware of what's happening inside and out. My nightmares can be really vivid too. Like down to weather elements and environmental surroundings. But I keep having a reoccurring theme with some of my nightmares. These have been happening for a couple years. Sometimes the person is different but whenever I have a nightmare that feels like I'm going to have things done without my consent, the same person is normally involved. The most terrifying ones involve being sexually assaulted though. It's absolutely horrific. It normally consists of me yelling or crying and fighting to get away, but I never can. Then, of course, the assault happens which leaves me in an emotional, help-seeking mess. I want sleep to be peaceful, not emotionally disturbing and distressful. I want it to go away. I don't want to wake up in tears and be fearful of falling back asleep.

E S or R

Well on my first day off from back to school hell I practically have not been doing so well. I've been printing notes, assignments, organizing, and studying while alternating procrastination on the internet all freaking day. Mostly the studying and procrastinating breaks. But it's not even reviewing material I just learned. It's reading for next week and that wouldn't be a big deal if it wasn't so much. Unfortunately, it's like a couple chapters per class and these are 75 page chapters from a huge textbook. Like who has time for that? I haven't even finished and I still need to study abbreviations this weekend, plus do prelab assignments. How am I even supposed to do anything else regarding regular life? But the thing is I don't even want to do other things, much less studying. I just kinda get upset with where I'm at. All I really want to do eat constantly until I die, sleep endlessly, or run until I collapse. Eat Sleep or Run. Nothing sounds like much fun. The running doesn't even sound fun. It's just something to do to keep me busy until I run out of energy to support myself. What am I even doing? Nursing, really? Really? Making beds, brushing people's teeth, small talk? That's not me. I don't even get to solve the problem for the patient or tell them they need tests to maybe solve the problem. It's basically babysitting ill people. But this is what I've gotten myself into. I'm a junior in college. There's no turning back from this degree now unless I want to be in school until I'm practically 30. Upset? Maybe I'll just eat some more. It's late. Maybe I can sleep. Sleep causes another problem though. I'll make another post about that. Run? It's too late. I'll probably be too freaked out by every passing car to efficiently exhaust myself. I'm going to go write about my sleep problem now.

Here

I don't get my state of mind. Like I don't know what's going on with what I want anymore. I'll recall the past and think of both nice and bad times, but neither make me want to go back. Like yeah that was nice, but part of me doesn't feel like I would enjoy it. Then I look at the future. But I don't really want to teleport there either. The near future is just meh, and I can sort of map where I'll probably be. The far future is all unknown and stuff so it could be good or bad or in between. But I don't want to be there either. Then I think of the present. I don't like the present. I don't really care to be in this time. But I don't really care to go back or forward. So I'm stuck in the present moment which I'm pretty meh about too. So I'm just here. But I don't really care that I'm here. I don't care that I was there or that I will be somewhere. So here I am. Feeling pretty apathetic about the journey that is life. Like I'm passionate about subjects and moments and grades and whatnot, but life in general? I'm feeling like it's kinda not my thing. I'm here and it's not really where I want to be. But I don't want to be there either. So what's my deal? Where do I want to be? Do I even want to be? I don't really know I guess. I feel conflicted yet I don't. It's like how do I know I don't want to be here if I don't know where I want to be? I have that problem when my family wants my opinion picking restaurants to eat at. I know what I don't want but don't really care or know what I do want. And since I don't know what I want, I will continue on the current path. I feel apathetic on the current path so will I continue to? I'm scared the answer might be yes. That makes me want to drop out of life for a little while to take a break and figure things out. Ugh. That's what summer should have been for.

Messages

Okay so this isn't about texting or emails or anything like that. It's about messages or themes you hear. Most of the things I've come to believe don't really stem from my early life. Don't get me wrong, there are tons of things that do come from that and some of them are really really good, like the emphasis on education, but the one's that seem to carry a lot of weight in this season of my life weren't the seeds that planted early on and slowly nurtured into strong trees. For a lot of people and their beliefs, the roots started in their hearts as kids and went on from there. Lately and over a year now, I've realized I'm coming across themes that sometimes sit well with me in the shallow, early stages but sometimes do not. The thing is that, when not cross contaminated, these themes are really important and probably really good to adopt. But it's not like the same message over and over when I see it. It's always different. Different perspectives, intentions, and basis but all with a common meaning or message. Every time I see these messages, not only do I try to understand it, but I try to fit it into the giant puzzle that I have going about this message. But the puzzle is multidimensional unlike an actual puzzle. It's more like a giant web. So every time I add a new piece or try to understand where someone is coming from, not only does it add new information, expanding my web, but it will sometimes rewire it a little. It takes this simple message, easily crammed into a couple cliche words, and gives it so much depth. So unlike the childhood sprouting in my heart to my head concept, I have this idea that starts as a puddle and turns into a never ending ocean with depth I have yet to grasp. It slowly started leaking into my heart and I've realized I want it to flood in. Every time I discover more, this crazy fluid of an idea fills my heart even more.
These messages, man. I'm going crazy. But in a very good way. Anyway, this post was just to reflect on how far certain things have come in my head and also a reminder that it has so much more to go. Plus, what if every seemingly simple idea is that way. Then you could explore things forever and be completely lost in a sea of yours and others thoughts. I only have a couple on my plate and I'm like "whoa man..this is overdrive" I guess that's why people write books and it seems like there's an endless amount of books. You could never read them all or know every perspective. Which is okay but it's probably good to slowly expand your range of perspectives. I like it when people really think about things. It makes life a lot more interesting because I only have a set amount of things my head can come up with. There should be a lifetime student occupation. I could totally do that. I like listening to people. I like people. Even messed up people. We can learn a lot from them. Of course, we're all kinda messed up in our own way. I should stop now. Okay bye.

The Thing

The thing is (ha I'm not defining the "thing" yet, but yeah...ha..) I am maybe possibly wanting to define what I am to you in our relationship, and what you are to me. We use the word relationship as it should be normally used so I can't say, "oh I want a relationship with you," because technically I have a relationship with all the people around me. You don't use the word that way so yeah. I want a thing with you. The me you deal with no other people cutting in. The PB&J, the macaroni&cheese, the thunder to the lightning, the Link&Zelda, salt&pepper, bees to honey...must I go on? I want the holding hands, sweet talks, and slow dances without wondering what the goal is. I like you for you and you like me for me. We communicate thoughts, feelings, and issues clearly, but I can't seem to communicate that I want this thing. If I put a name to it, will I risk sounding selfish? So all I can say is I want a thing with you. But what I want to say is..I want you. Yes, you. All of that dreaminess that is yourself and all the bad that comes with it. But do you know what else I want? I want to be yours. Not yours as in possessive with all the negative, but yours as in I share that side of me with you and only you. Not because you won it or deserve it or are entitled to it. But because I choose to. I would choose to share cute me with cute you if you would want the same, and then we could be super cute together. Then our cuteness would be seen as a shared thing and I guess that's the thing I want with you. Why I complicate things I'll never know.

Coping with My Identity

Throughout my entire life, I have had the hardest time identifying as a girl because my personality seemed to fit under the guy category. Maybe I adopted certain aspects of my personality because I recognized female ones were treated as less valuable than masculine traits. However I developed into my current personality, I've always felt out of place in the female category, but I'm just as out of place in the male category too (since I'm not a boy and all). I've received backlash from both genders for my choice to be very in between. It's led to less girls that I can relate to and enjoy being around, and while trying to equal with the guys I would spend time with, I would still somehow earn myself some form of disrespect from just being a girl or revealing some girl like quality. But the thing is I am a girl. My preferences may not align with the gendered activities that get labeled with my sex but that doesn't mean I don't go through the same kinds of experiences other females go through. My past hurt from what I thought friendship was supposed to be controls my thoughts and behaviors which disables my ability to make new ones with meaning. But that's entirely another topic than what I'm trying to get to. 

I guess what I want to say is though I have struggled with being a female in this culture, I am beginning to see that the challenges brought on by enforced norms is providing me with new tools. Before when I was hateful in my mind toward people as a whole, not only was I policing and chaining myself with the oppression, but I didn't give anyone a chance. I think I was created a woman so that I could learn from the inequalities I experience. It has led me towards a path of compassion and understanding. There's no room for judgement because I too am ignorant of many things, which includes people. I am one and the same as every other person so when I don't give them a chance, I don't give myself a chance. This of course is a theme seen in Christianity and that made me realize something too. Christianity is seen as a conservative institution and can be extremely inflexible, but its original purpose was such a radical movement. I don't know. I just find that to be one of the more interesting ironies in today's institutions.

This post was originally more religious sounding, but I figured I neutralize some of the language a bit. Now it just looks like I can't stay on topic to save my life. 

Leave Me Alone

I hate it when guys think they're being some sort of flirty stud by saying hi to me as I run in the neighborhood at night. As if I'm going to stop my exercise for you when I've been waiting all day for it to cool down. Not to mention it's freaking dark and you're some strange man saying hello. Thanks to sexual terrorism, I have no idea whether or not you're a potential rapist or not so by flirting with the night runner, you have just scared her into paranoia for the rest of her run. After your hi, I became hypersensitive to every car that passed, darted through alleys to avoid parked cars with their lights on, and didn't feeling completely safe until I locked my front door behind me as I gasped for air. Leave women runners alone. We don't run around to look cute for men to hit on us and try to pick us up or whatever the freaking stupid purpose is. We run for ourselves. So keep your mouth shut and leave me alone when I run.

Awake

This is all over the place so have fun trying to keep up. I'm super tired. Oh and it's somewhat religious so if you aren't into that jazz, don't read it.

Lately I've felt like there's been a block, like a large physical square, hindering my spiritual growth. It was like an infinite amount of space was around me, and I could technically go under, around, and over the block if I wanted. But all I could do was concentrate on this block. I know you can't feel things all the time, but I didn't want to just come to a halt. After traveling, I'm exhausted. I don't feel like I've gotten enough sleep in the past 2 weeks. So when I had to wake up early this morning to go to a women's group, I was not feeling it and felt like I could fall over at any point. While I was there, I could barely keep my eyes open, but it wasn't because it was boring. It was in this near comatose state where I feel I was receiving a lot more than normal. Even though I had heard one of the songs played before, it stuck a different note this time. We had a guest speaker whom was originally a Muslim woman living in Iran. She told us her story, and though it wasn't the main point, the word community echoed throughout my head. I realized it's something I crave and need to seek. I've been around people which I thought would do the trick, but I actually have to immerse myself in them. I attended a church in a different state last Sunday and there was a guest speaker there as well that spoke about how powerful it was to have supportive and loving people in his life. For the past couple of months, it's been hinted at and flat out said, but I'm just now hearing it. It's not enough to have an I-It relationship. Buber even mentioned that religious communities have not only an I-You relationship with their god, but with the people around them too. So today near the end of the women's group, we did this thing which is difficult to explain, but during it, the lady that leads it spoke of courage when she placed her hand on my shoulder. And then when it was over, the woman from Iran, who spoke little English, told me that God told her to pray for me. She gave me a hug that I only give to people that I'm really close to. I couldn't understand everything she said but she repeated to me that she loved me, I was young, and that God has work for me to do. When I left, I felt awake. Maybe not so much physically, but I know that I do feel very grateful right now.

More

*giant cliche warning*

I was reading this book about how patriarchy shapes a woman's psychology to just want to be desired. Unfortunately, this correlates directly with looks and being young. The author addressed the difference between wanting to be wanted and wanting to be loved, and recently I guess I didn't recognize the difference. Like people can tell you they love you all day long, but it is nothing compared to being actually loved. Anyway, the author really wanted to empower women to get out of multiple thinking complexes and have them feel confident about their other abilities without feeling overly pushy (since, in simplest terms, women in power are often see as mean and or ugly). I really liked the tales she used to symbolically point out each mental knot women can find themselves trapped in. It's always been slightly touched on by some media that "you're more than your looks" but this book did sorta connected on a deeper level with me. Of course, I never realize this after I finish a book. It always requires another source outside to trigger a connection so I can go from my knowing to understanding to feeling it in my heart. I saw an image that gave a very simplistic form of the idea and I felt it. I'm more than my young age and looks. I have talents and can provide kindness to others and for once that feels really really good. It's difficult to not stress about a rapidly fading youth when media tells you that's the only thing you should want to be. So even though I may be battling those silly societal values in my head while I age, I hope I can hold onto, value, invest, and empower myself in the things that truly make me who I am.

asdfjkl;

I'm being overwhelmed by feelings right now. 

Let me explain:

and mainly my face is like this

OH MY GOODNESS. WHAT IS LIFE RIGHT NOW

Fight Like A Girl

So there's a lot of anger that has built up, but I'm not going to use it to be verbally violent. Hopefully it will empower me somehow instead. So that's why I made this. Now there's too much going on for it to look organized, but this isn't about looking pretty. It was about getting it out of my head. It also has an unfinished look because one) I'm lazy. Two) It can be however I want. 

Snapshot

I think certain moments in history have been captured perfectly in pictures, and while I rediscovered a game from my childhood, it brought back one of my soccer heroes.

Brandi Chastain scored the winning goal at the World Cup in 1999. I can't help but feel happy when I see this picture. It was just one of those moments in women's athletics that inspired young girls. I don't even care that she ripped her shirt off. It adds to the moment. Shootouts are one of the most stressful things, and I can't even imagine the pressure of being at the world cup. All those years of hard work, and it essentially comes down to one shot that is 12 yards away from the goal. 

Even though I may not be playing in the brand new women's professional league or the national team, thank you Brandi Chastain for influencing my experience as a female soccer player.


The winning goal is at 12:00. 

When I Have Words

I noticed when I'm upset or mad, I have a lot to say about things, but when I'm happy I just sort of marinate in my feelings. I don't really type them out or explain them too well. I figure that's what gifs are for and since now I have these positive emotions currently gushing forth, I'll use some gifs. 

I Made A Thing

*vague and uneducated sounding*
I made a thing I made a thing I made a thing. But I've gotta wait before it can be revealed. But I'm super super excited that I made a thing. Maybe I can improve the thing, but it's still pretty cool that I made it anyway.

Triggers

Today must be one of those days where I'm hyper aware of things that drive my brain into a mad frenzy.
I found out a girl in my graduating class was shot and killed by her boyfriend yesterday. It's not that I really knew her, but when the proximity is closer, the reality that this happens to women everywhere everyday really smacks you in the face. Strike one.

I was watching the news and my parents decided to refer to people based on nothing but stereotypes. I threw my hands in the air and told them I had to leave the room. Their response was that I needed more "life experience under my belt" which apparently makes you sexist and racist. Strike two. 

And while on Facebook I saw a post that was "joking" about whether a girl was 18 or a minor, and the comments consisted of, "Legal or not! here we comes!" "old enough to pee, old enough for me," and tying it back around to the first strike, "she needs to be shot...repeatedly." Strike freaking three.
I want to move away and have nothing to do with this country/world where making comments about pedophilia, rape, or any gendered violence is okay or seen as funny. It makes me sick. Honestly, it's times like these where I feel the most distant from God because the horror causes a system failure inside my head. 

I used to be desensitized towards this kind of stuff, but once I could recognize the consequences that derive from these issues, I could see the role they play in people's everyday life, including mine and the people around me. It's like putting my head in a bucket of water and sending electricity through it. It makes my head hurt and leaves me feeling helpless for the world. It also leaves me terrified for myself and for others. Ugh I can't even finish this. 

Burn Your Money (another rant)

Disclaimer was in the title.

While on the topic of my father, the only was he tries to show me he "cares" is by supplying me with material goods. Now this is not all about him, but I figure it's a good bridge. Anyway, so he gets me things and then expects me to be the kindest most loving person ever toward him. Or he'll be like "I didn't have to do/get this for you," and I think to myself how you're supposed to do nice things because you want to. It's similar to the friendzone crap. He buys me things and expects kindness back, even after he insults me and tears me down. After I'm obviously upset with him because of something mean he said, he will tell me how ungrateful I am. Apparently buying me material possessions = getting to treat me like absolute crap whenever he pleases + a kind daughter. Yeah..that's not the only time I've had a problem with boys and money.
I dated two guys (not at the same time) whose families were not on the higher end of the socioeconomic scale. In fact, one of them was on food stamps. Here's the thing: I could not care less about that. One of them always complained about not having enough money to do fun things with me. He would whine whine whine and play his precious video games (where did the money come from for that) and say, "If I had more money and I would be a better boyfriend." Yeah, sure, that's it. When did just spending time with someone you care about become boring? Talking to each other is a great way to learn more about each other and perhaps develop a deeper relationship. But nooooo we can't have that. I like going on walks or playing sports or being outside. Watching movies, poorly drawing silly pictures, singing super loud, running, learning something new, exploring, anything really. Those things are free! There were countless times I suggested that sappy crap, but apparently store bought experiences were all he wanted (or video games, who knows). My friends get no exceptions for this either because that "boring" stuff is actually how you develop relationships with people. The people in my life do not need money to impress me or entertain me. It is so easy to entertain me if you are actually interacting with me. Going out and gifts are great every once in awhile, but anyone can do that. The most awesome thing someone can do is spend one on one time doing whatever with me. That is my favorite thing, other than laughing, and we can do that together too.

My love cannot be bought. Superficial relations based off of what our finances can get us suck. Next time someone says "oh I wish we had money to do this" I'm going to draw a dollar and set it on fire in front of their face. But I will do it with a straight face and say

I Live in a Toxic Environment

I wonder how I'll feel the day I move out. I guess I'll miss certain aspects, but I don't know what life is like without a bully. Now this isn't your average bully at school or daycare because I've had those. I've been beat up and called names by children that obviously needed some better guidance in their life, but the bully I've never understood isn't a kid. In fact, they're supposed to be loving and supportive. My bully is my dad, and he's bullied me since my mother decided she didn't love him anymore. I was 15. Ever since I started standing up for things, I've been shoved, kicked, and punched down. Not physically, but psychologically. When he realized I had a mind of my own that didn't agree with his, things got ugly. I could call out flawed logic on his parenting skills, or why he wasn't being fair to my mom. He thought I was taking sides when I wanted to stay out of the war completely. He doesn't know I've called my mom out too. Telling people they're wrong is one of the fastest ways to piss them off. So his anger of realizing I'm not a mini clone that can be controlled meant financial and psychological manipulation. "Guess who makes *insert amount of money here*. You don't own the house. Call me when you have a real job." Yeah, because how many 15-19 year olds own their own house. I must be stupid. "I own the car so I can just make it where you can't use it. Then you won't be able to go anywhere, not even school. You'll live under a bridge and I can cut you out of the inheritance. How does that sound?" Yes, take away your child's future. So when your peers ask about your children will you tell them how you shattered my chances or will you just not mention me? Even if you don't mention me, I will be at the back of your mind eating away at something.
Maybe they're just empty threats, but how am I supposed to know that? This person who is supposed to love me and has decided to raise me is telling me they are taking away everything. Physical signs of affection? Oh please, I can't remember the last time my dad hugged me, told me he was proud of me, or that he loved me. So we have threats, but we have name calling too. I have been compared to Hitler and Satan. I'm stupid, idiotic, a twit, a manipulative brat (oh the irony), a bitch, ungrateful, hateful, and pretty much everything a kid doesn't want to hear. But here I am never getting in trouble with the law and making practically perfect grades. Am I smart enough, Dad? Oh no, not yet, because every time I do something slightly different, be it in cleaning, directions, cooking, soccer, I am wrong. "Stop. Let me do it." I can't make any mistakes or else someone else needs to be doing it. Is it hard to believe I'm a perfectionist? I pretty much had a complete meltdown thinking I didn't get a 4.0 this semester when in reality I did. That's healthy. But apparently my different opinions on human equality aren't.
I don't like making fun of people. So what? So I don't hate the president because he's a Democrat? Who cares? He's a human and I don't think he's doing terrible. He actually stands up for women's rights which is more than half the ding dongs in our state will do. Oh I'm sorry, that racist, sexist, sizist, homophobic comment wasn't funny. Why? Because you cannot generalize people based on something you actually know nothing about. You were born a cisgender white heterosexual male with a "Christian belief system", meaning you've have no experiences with oppression in this country. I get called a Democrat (as if political affiliation is an insult) and then pointed at and laughed at in my family. I have no political party I side with so that is an ignorant statement. The fact that it's used as an effective joke causes my brain cells to commit suicide. The last time that happened, we were all in the car after the fireworks, and as they roared with laughter, I hinted at my bully induced depressed state by making a comment about blowing my brains out (which I would never do). There was an awkward second of silence and it was quickly shrugged off with more teasing. Sorry I care enough to stand up. I'm sorry your brain is too cemented in its ways to even consider different perspectives of other people's lives. What can I do to blast through that cement so you can stop purposely saying hurtful things about me and others? It's obvious it bothers me, but that makes you do it MORE. What kind of father does that? At what point will you notice I'm not laughing on the inside? Do I need to openly go to therapy so you know how broken I am because of everything you do? No, you would make fun of me for that. You know how I was sneaking off with the car and you got mad? That was so you wouldn't make fun of me for going to church. What did I do to deserve this? What horrible thing happened in your life that made you want to treat your only daughter this way? I don't understand and I probably never will.
My friendships with others have suffered because of this. Ever since I was 15, I've continually found myself in relationships where people insult me as a joke to try to get close to me. I get mistreated. I've accepted that for the longest time as normal, but I know now how terrible and toxic it is for my mental health. My confidence is complete crap. I may have been controlled by feeling crippled and dependent in the past, but not anymore. One day I will be free from this constant mental beating. One day I will forgive my mom for leaving me vulnerable and one day I will forgive you for all of this. Thank you for showing me the way not to treat my hopefully someday future children. I will be a better person in spite of you. You are controlling and bitter. You can't face whatever is inside of you so you feel the need to control the people around you. It's because you're scared. You think you are entitled to these certain things in life and are now losing them. Oh, do I have news for you. You aren't entitled to anything or anyone, especially if you've been hurtful towards them. Get off your throne and maybe you'll see people aren't bowing silently in respect, but in a gripping fear.

End note: I know some people have it worse off. Some don't have dads. Some have dads that physically and sexually assault them. But that does not lessen the damage or hurt that I have gone through. You don't say to someone who's had a stroke, "at least you don't have cancer." Like okay, I hope all those people survive and get help, but it's hard to do anything at the moment when I need help too.

EDIT: So I just dropped a weight and it made a pretty loud noise on the second floor of the house. After I explained from the top of the stairs what it was, he responded with no sarcasm or laughter, "Next time, drop it on your foot." And that was all he had to say to me.

Violet

Decided to play around with that program a little more. It started with a song. This song

Then out came whatever this is

Being

Apparently I have to bring confidence to Illinois. I was told it needed to be added to my list. 

One time I was challenged to be courageous. And that normally has to do with going outside my comfort zone which I don't do with confidence. Recently I read, "Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love," (1 Cor 16:12-14 NIV) and it got me thinking. I'm supposed to be courageous. I need the courage to be confident too though. They're quite linked in my head. I figure if I'm going to bring that along with me, I might start reminding myself which is what led to me making a silly picture. I used a different program with tons of different tools so this was sort of my experimentation with it.


It's a little strange but like I said, I was mainly just testing out the different tools. At first I thought it was super limited in features, but I just had to figure out the interface of the program. It's similar to photoshop, but it was built for the drawing tablet I have so it reads the strokes a bit smoother. I only know that because my handwriting doesn't look like it's drunken. Anyway, I need the stroke of confidence. Ha get it stroke, like a paintbrush? Yeah...I'll go now.

Proper Reaction

So so so I just got back from running and now I'm super hyper. This post will sound like a third grader wrote it. The warning is in place. It's a good time to talk about my excitement towards the trip to Illinois without being a Debbie Downer. Oh my goodness I am super excited. It's a new place and I love flying on planes. As much as the rest of the world hates it, I love the airport and all the security. He's going to pick me up and I'll get to hug him. It'll be super super awesome and I know it'll make me really happy. And we'll go exploring and do something cool at night. I hope I get to the see the stars. We'll get to play soccer and sing. Not at the same time or who knows actually but I doubt it. We'll get to explore Chicago and see the jellyfish at the aquarium. I'll get to see the lake and go on a ferris wheel with him. We get to go to a concert. We get to eat deep dish pizza and blow bubbles. Maybe we'll make smores and use sparklers because I never have before. We can stay up late, make some food, and watch scary movies which he's super scared of. But it's okay cause he can cover his eyes with my shoulder as I laugh at the ridiculousness that is supposed to be a scary movie (even though it will scare me when I'm alone in bed). We can talk about anything. Serious things and silly things and things that make us laugh until our faces hurt. I can look at his face directly and touch his hair if I want. I can just enjoy being in person with him. I get to see the people and places that have shaped him to be who he is. I'm just so excited and despite all the over thinking I may do, I love him to pieces.

Oh Boy Illinois

I'm going to see Ryan in August which was planned but I got my plane tickets like a few days ago. So it's relatively new. Our friendship seems to have recovered, but I'm still confused considering my general feelings of whatever you want to call it haven't dissipated. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited, but I'm going in with a general trip expectation level of 0, with zero being the lowest possible number in this scale. I don't want to get hurt again is all, and I would so much rather put my heart towards God at this point. Not saying I wouldn't like that sort of thing because of all people, he's the only person I want in that category strangely. I just don't want to repeat feeling not good enough. I would like to move on, but there's part of me that wants to hold on. I don't know if it's false hope, a selfish bit, or something else, but geez does it confuse me. Oh yeah...this was supposed to be about the trip. Regardless of that silly stuff, the trip should be fun. Even if everything scheduled goes wrong or whatever, I'll probably still enjoy myself.

Forced Beliefs

2nd EDIT: Gov. Perry has declared a 2nd special session to begin 2 p.m. Monday, July. It will be brought up again. What a waste of time and money to call another session.

EDIT: IT DIDN'T PASS. Along with Sen. Wendy Davis' 13 hour filibuster and others stalling here's what pushed them through the last 15 minutes.
“At what point must a female senator raise her hand or her voice to be recognized over her male colleagues?” she said, sparking a chorus of cheers and screams that swelled as protesters tried to run out the clock. The pandemonium drowned out a last-minute effort by Republicans to vote on the bill, but Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst, after about three hours of confusion on the floor over whether the bill had been approved, announced that the vote had come too late.”- http://www.texastribune.org/2013/06/26/brief-top-texas-news-june-25-2013/

I can continue to live in Texas without going insane for now. I watched probably the last 2 1/2 hours of debate and those last 15 minutes of the gallery just yelling for all their worth because those Austin citizens didn't want the bill to pass was probably one of the coolest things. Before they all got shoved out one woman screamed, "We Are The People!" You could still hear them outside of the room too.


Old: http://trailblazersblog.dallasnews.com/2013/06/texas-house-tentatively-passes-abortion-bill.html/

So the Texas legislators have decided to attempt to pass the bill on restricting abortion even further. I just... I don't care how wrong YOU think abortion is. I don't care what your RELIGION says about abortion. Someone else is living a life entirely separate from yours. They may or may not follow your religion. To think it is your duty to force your beliefs onto the ability of others to make their own choices in life is WRONG. A fetus cannot sustain basic life without the mother's body being alive, therefore it cannot be considered it's own serperate life. I do not care how wrong you think killing something that isn't even considered a person yet is. It is not YOUR BODY. It is not YOUR LIFE. It is not your consequence. People do not have the right to judge other people's decisions.

Not the same law, but along the same lines:

Inspire Me Instead

A lot of the time I look at the issues faced in the world and become extremely discouraged about the future. It seems bleak and not worth being a part of. I would let these things tear me down inside and spoil my spirit to a very harmful point. Then I heard three quotes, all by different but amazing and influential people, and strung them together. Instead of letting issues eat at my heart, maybe I should let them fuel the fire to break free.

"The greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people. The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any. Be the change you wish to see in the world. "

Martin Luther King Jr.
Alice Walker
Mahatma Gandhi

Speak up against things. Write a letter, email, book. Tell a friend, a stranger, a congress member. Silent screams don't shake the eardrums of others. And if they're deaf become the listener for someone else.

Gross?

Let's talk about things that piss me off. This comment on Facebook is one of the things that piss me off. The only thing gross about this whole picture/link is his ignorant comment. First, it's just a flash drive. There's nothing gross about that. It's plastic and metal. Second, so it looks like a tampon? Tampons aren't gross, idiot. And that representation of one is white, meaning it's clean. In fact, tampons are probably cleaner than your hands considering it's classified as a medical device. They used to be used on bullet wounds too so guess they can't be all that gross. Why isn't unused toilet paper considered gross then? Get over what they're used for. It's natural, and if you can't be a little mature about it, then boy have I got some bad news for you in the love department. Until you have the ability to bleed for a week straight and live, you aren't allowed to talk or comment about anything in this department.

Washed Away

So the romance or whatever you want to call it that I thought was blooming between me and a person has been cut short, and not by my decision. This also means the friendship gets smacked around in the process. Oh well. Nice things don't last forever, and sooner is better on this one. I was hoping my trip to the beach would push me forward, but it didn't do exactly what I was thinking. It's weird how high my standards are now as a result of this person. Time to go use my mind as a shovel to dig into things that are bigger than this world. I'm not a risk taker as I've stated before, but I was with that relationship with that person and it turned out pretty awesome in lots of aspects. Maybe I should apply that approach to other areas of my life. Life keeps changing direction on me when I want it to relax a little so I would really like a constant. I can't seem to find that in people or activities so the answer must lie beyond all that. Or so I'm hoping. Man oh man, I was enjoying life and then someone throws a baseball at me while I'm on the soccer field. I trust I'll get wherever I need to be going though. All I can do in these situations is fight back a little, realize that's useless, throw my hands up in the air, and walk away. Call it giving up, but there's no use in forcing things. Too often I try to push for what I want and apparently my wants don't lead anywhere worthwhile (or so I've been conditioned to believe). So screw it. I'll go with the flow. Do what you want. I'll be over here doing my own thing if you need me. I care. I'll try to repress that for sake of my heart, but I'll be over here caring if you need some care. Time will hopefully cure the caring. That sounds terrible actually. Caring is a thousand times better than apathy, even if it means pain. So hopefully time will mean adaption. However that's supposed to happen. It's so hard to see the future unrelated to each storm when the current clouds block your view. I was feeling better before I typed this, so it's time to stop now.

what is this i don't even

As soothing memories filled her head and drew a smile on her face, she sighed, "I love the ocean," and without hesitation he lovingly replied, "You are the ocean." The seas of her soul slowed for a moment to realize he wasn't just making a couple waves in her life but a steady current, yet she was afraid he might drown.

Shy Helping Hands

I seem to have come across a problem that keeps making it's way into my life every time I want to volunteer.  I constantly need to find people that can put a good word in for me so I'm able to volunteer, and this ranges from references to letters of recommendation. It's not that I'm a terrible person or anything, but I can't find any. My downfall is apparently my shyness. I've always kept to myself, and my only extracurricular activities included the time-sucking soccer. I just don't talk much. I much prefer listening than adding worthless commentary. I talk a lot more now but not to my professors. I figure they're busy with their professor like duties and classes. I don't have questions ever, because I normally understand what the lecture is all about during class. I read and listen. That's sorta how I've been making A's my whole life, but apparently it's not good making letters of reference. Geez. So here I am so desperately wanting to volunteer and help out, but my shyness has taken me down a road that will not allow for that. I swear I'm not a bad person. All I want to do is help. OH THE FRUSTRATION.

Reflection in the Distance

Sooo I was looking through older posts and realized the things I wrote about you then totally applied when you came down and visited.

It started with the first thrilled post. Then it progressed to you buying plane tickets. The closer the time came, the more I began to realized the reality of it all. Before all this happened things were happening in my mind that I either wished for or figured out, and they still stood true or actually happened when you were here. Which let me tell you, is completely mind blowing. So during that week of you, all of those things I've ever felt or that you've done, came together in my heart and mind. I am still freaking out that these things from the past still hold up or have progressed. I am so lucky, and for whatever reason you are in my life at this time, I will not take that for granted.


Every link in this is from posts related to you or these events. Those are the posts that blow my mind to look at now.

Every 9 Seconds

That's how often a woman is assaulted or beaten and that's ONLY in the United States.

I think I'm going to cry. I pray that every single woman that is being hit while I'm writing this and long after will stay strong and strive for better.

http://domesticviolencestatistics.org/domestic-violence-statistics/

My Week of You

It was a trip of
kindling smiles
ardent eye-locks
soulful embraces
gentle kisses
symphonic I love you's,
and in the morning,
it was gone.
Beautiful things are melancholic because they can't stay for long.
So I'll leave the door unlocked for more to come.
Feel free to stop by anytime you brown-eyed, luminous soul.

Corpse

When I was making this, I was recalling some extremely morbid thoughts I never thought I would voluntarily go back to. Not only my own struggle with objectification plays into this, but other women's too. While guys might be judging specific parts of me, I know other girls are judged upon things I've never dealt with, such as being overweight. Part of me is extremely glad to be going to a school where the population is overwhelmingly girls because I don't have to gawked at. The pain that comes with being bullied, rated or rejected (whether it be romantic or friendly) as a person based off of looks alone takes its toll. It's depressing, and knowing that I or someone else has to deal with that every single day eats away at me. People are like endless books, and you should not be judging their covers. So with art on the topic of depression, came the extreme: suicide. Because when you're dead, people aren't checking you out to see if you have a nice ass. You're considered a corpse. You aren't pieces anymore. Just one corpse. Ironic, because a corpse is actually considered an object unlike the living human beings our culture likes to dissect apart. Anyway, the main point is that this person has written their suicide note on their body like they were paper to get the point of objectification across. I really have a connection with hands, so I focused on that part.

This World

Whenever I get really down about life I feel sort of like all I can hear or see is this 

This world makes you feel like pieces and not a person. Sometimes it's really hard when even people in your house make you feel that way too. I'm not an object, and I'm sick of being treated less than human.

Less Than 2 Weeks

Until Ryan arrives.
Nothing too special to talk about.
Made this last night because I wanted to physically paint. The computer is all I had.

If I Ever Marry

Everyone has imagined what their future is going to be like at some point in their life. What kind of job they'll have, where they'll live, or who they marry. And as you go through life, ideal situations are probably going to change a bit. For me though, I've made a permanent decision about my ever-changing future.

If I ever marry, my husband will not be afraid to show his emotions, no matter how stupid or cheesy society has labeled them to be. That macho tough guy thing isn't going to fly with me because I'll be the one who knows all the silly goofy parts of him. And I won't hesitate to bring them up if Mr. Tough Guy can't seem to grasp the slightest feeling.

If I ever marry, my husband will be a dad. He won't leave me all the hard work of parenting, and he's definitely going to like playing with babies. "Get off the couch" won't even have to be mentioned because the role of responsibility will already be assumed.

If I ever marry, my husband will be loving towards his children. He'll want to tuck them in or kiss their boo-boos or sing to them when they're down. Even when they're teenagers, he'll still be that same loving and sweet dad he was when they were small. Healing heartbreaks, cracking jokes, lending advice and hesitantly keys. 

If I ever marry, my husband will tell our kids he loves them and they won't have a reason to question it. Because my husband will hug his children, and he'll tell them he's proud of them for everything they accomplish no matter how big or small. They'll never have to wonder where they went wrong or why they weren't good enough. And there will never be any tears from threats of abandonment. No emotional scars that streak their hollow hearts that hunger. No wondering of which bruise the bully at home will stab at next.

Because if I ever marry, my husband will be everything my dad is not for me, and love will not come at a price.