I've been thinking about death again recently. I'm not really sure what that means. Maybe I should call my psychiatrist. I don't really know. I'm tired. Tired of having to follow this pattern of life. Like I'm stuck. There's no out. You're born. You go to school. How long you stay in school determines your job most of the time. You get a job. Some people have a family. You work your job until you're old enough to stop. Then you die. Like why do I want any part of this? There are happy times but part of me doesn't think it's worth all of the suffering. Call me weak, but it's true. I feel stuck in my body. In my life. I just want to go away or somewhere else. God has to understand I'm tired..Death is one thing people have control over. Actual control. Everything else is pretty much an illusion. Like sure you get to choose your job and interests but they literally all suck you into what society already wants. They want your money and your labor. What is the point of all this going around and around? Like where are we going? What do we expect to gain? Control over others? I don't want that. It's pretending you have control over lives when all you want is control of life in general. You can't erase mortality. We can't play God because we too will disappear. I don't get it. Why would God create beings out of love so that they can then suffer to the point of not wanting to even have been created? They say suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. But suffering is a permanent problem until you're dead so...how does that make sense? Technically Jesus chose to die to pay for us since we can't do anything right. Which isn't technically our fault since we were "born into sin." So if someone dies because they are tired of their flesh sinning what does that mean? Your soul is saved not your stupid meat suit. Apparently many say suicide is a sin, but I'm not sure. They say our body does not belong to us, but then why were we given one in the first place? We're allowed to make choices. That was a part of God's love standard. So I don't know. It doesn't really matter if you don't actually do it.