Get Out

I am so angry right now and for no logical reason other than the fact that I can't get a hold of someone. I have not felt like myself for about 3 weeks now and I am about to go insane. First I was emotional in the form of sad and irritated. Then I was turned on for like two days straight. Now I'm just flat out furious. All of this for no apparent reason. I want to punch a wall. It's like I can recognize all of these out of character behaviors and thoughts and yet they won't go away. I'm practically having an out of body experience and want to strangle myself. I am so mad and I can't understand it and now it's about to turn into being really upset and I feel like a stupid teenage girl experiencing the ridiculous ups and downs of the new hormone surge. I feel impatient and immature. I would be able to easily hurt someone's feelings right now in my blind rage because I am just that mad. I am never like this. Somebody inject me with some sort of relaxant because I want to punch things and yell at someone. Actually I think I've figured it out but no that can't be right. I'm just finding things to be mad at. I literally cannot see the positive in one single thing right now. My empathy levels have dropped to zero. I am in a very dark place. Where have I gone.

Freaking Bologna

Why why why why why why whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy

now
(not a poem)
I want him.
I'm his princess. He's my prince.
Little spoon. Big spoon.
We fit. We care. We work.
I choose to love him.
And my heart is tugging violently because I want him.
He is my best friend. He is my favorite person.
Why am I 20? Why do I live here and he lives there?
Why do I know I want to marry him now?
What good does this do me other than prove I am crazy?
20 years old and dreaming of the guy far away.
Man that's a long shot and it may not happen.
But I'm chasing it because I have never appreciated and cared for a person like this before.
Genuine gratitude. Like giving someone clean water to drink when they've only had a muddy river before.
That's what this is like. I didn't know there was better water. I don't ever want to be dehydrated again.

So I go to this Monday night church thing for young adults, and it's alright most the time.
But I'm noticing a trend. All of these people have grown up in the church so thus they think nonbelievers are like foreigners. As if people who didn't grow up in church are nothing but sin. I don't know. I feel like they really need to be humbled. One time they didn't know how people made morally okay decisions if they weren't a follower of Christ. Of course, I am sitting there thinking, "what in the heck," because most my life has been that way. People don't need a god to make good decisions or to be moral. There's a thing called philosophy and while theology and philosophy can overlap, some people do philosophy alone. There is nothing wrong with that. But they honestly were ignorant that people, such as myself, could turn out okay and make good decisions without smashing religion into my skull. I was even more dumbfounded this past Monday when the question was if non-Christians could love if they didn't know God. People were A) saying no and B) were confused at how monks from other religions could be so loving. While I am normally silent during these meeting things, this had crossed the line. Of course people can know love without knowing their Christian god. Geez. Children die every single day in other countries never getting the chance to learn of any worldly philosophies, but I can tell you they probably loved others. I had to bring up the obvious point that if we were supposedly made in God's image, then of course humans know how to love. Like I'm sorry, but I have been doing this for like not even a year, and I can answer that ridiculous question with their own theology. I just...how so very ignorant. It's like they aren't arrogant, but yet they think they're better somehow. They don't, but they do. And it's sort of driving me crazy. They're all white home grown Christians. Perhaps I shouldn't be baffled by the ignorance of their privilege. I won't be staying at this church my whole life, but I do know that if I ever go somewhere else, I will be searching for a diverse group of people of different ethnicity, genders (outside the binary), sexuality, and class. Crap I'd be okay if there were people of different beliefs there! Being with different people makes you less ignorant. It gives new perspectives. They don't understand. I'm afraid to tell anyone there I'm not a girl or a boy in my head because I'll be different and or weird which if it's not in the Bible, then it must be some doing of Satan. I truly think that growing up without questioning and without bending boundaries here and there to see if they're of use, is actually harmful. It's harmful because it's ignorant. You learn things when you make mistakes. I was forced to mature in some harmful ways, but I'm smarter and more understanding because of it. Curiosity is beautiful. It raises questions and doubts. Some people don't like that. Normally that's because they don't know the answers themselves. Because of my non Christian life, I am more empathetic. I get people by knowing I don't know them at all. Knowing you don't know is the most powerful tool. You get to do what you want with it.

Being a Christian and doing good things don't mean a thing if you're just doing them because you think "someone said it's right" or "God wants it" or whatever other crap.
The point is that you are already saved. There's nothing left for you to do. You don't have to do anything to impress anyone or get God to like you or love you or whatever. It doesn't make you more of a Christian. It doesn't one bit.
The point of you being saved is to show you that you're loved. Once you learn what love truly is, it's supposed to open up your heart. When you see suffering around you and you feel their pain with them because you love other people, that's when something kicks in. That's when you want to help people. The point is that YOU want it. YOU want to love others because you just do. You know what love is and you know how people should be treated. You don't have to want it for a god or for praise. You just have to want to love others in order for any of those good deeds to mean a thing. But no matter how much you want it and how much you do it, you still don't get brownie points. You still aren't above anyone. Because when you love other people, you realize you are at the same level as everyone. The same level as murders even.
The point of the Bible isn't to follow a set of insane rules or to be afraid or to do things because "you're supposed to." The point of the Bible is loving and forgiving other people and realizing you are all the same underneath all of your beautiful differences. It's being part of humanity without being better or best and wanting to care for others around you because it's humane.
I do not know everything, but I cannot deal with people who stand on their Bibles to feel as if they are slightly taller than someone else.

I've Got Time

hello
i am in love
and i know you
are a gift from above

so i
don't wanna miss
a single kiss
that your lips could give me

and i am 20
young and freely
loving you
and they all say you have your whole life
to find your love
use your time so very wisely
before it's up

and i
i've got the rest of my life
and all this time
to share with you

if my time and energy
decide to slip
away from me
and i
i spent my time
loving you
i don't think i
would hit undo

Crazy Girl

Sooo two posts one day. Oh well.

So I may be crazy, but I kinda have decided that I know who I want to marry.
I. am. 20.
Just because I've decided doesn't mean I'm running off and getting engaged anytime soon.
It doesn't mean it can't or won't change if things make a turn for the worst.
But right now, looking ahead, I know.
Yeah I know when I'm all happy and lovey dovey.
But I also know when I'm extremely frustrated and upset with him. Because it's a choice to love someone.
And I've decided this is more than I could have ever asked for.

Don't get me wrong. I've been stupid and naive before. I thought I knew who I was going to marry when I was 15. It was my first serious boyfriend, and I was about as innocent and naive as they come. He said forever. I believed him. Apparently forever was 2 years and 2 months. I'm glad he dumped me. He was not a nice boy and he used and abused me. I'm older now and have been through a couple boyfriends, serious and..well...flings. But this time, I can see further ahead, and I can see where it can go wrong every step of the way. I know when I'm being selfish and I can fight it. And the best part of it all, I don't feel like I need to change or fix any part of him. I don't need to motivate him. He's good on his own. I'm good on my own. We're awesome together. I might be young, but I'm not stupid. Relationships are hard work if you are in a good one. Marriage is super hard work regardless if it's good or not. I don't know everything about marriage or taxes or well a lot of stuff actually. I have to learn a ton, but I've never wanted anything more.

He's the one I want to have disagreements with. Who I want to get on one knee. The one I want to be at the altar. The one I want to go to sleep next to and wake up beside. The one I would sacrifice for. The one I would fight for. The one I would wait for (which is saying a lot for me considering I'm impatient as hecka). I'd want to have kids with him and be a scared parent with him. To sing a kid to sleep with or read to. To mess up with and know it's okay. He's the one I want to create beautiful things with. He's safe and he's loving. And I'm absolutely a crazy 20 year old girl, but I would love to marry him. And that is one crazy commitment. It's a crazy decision. It's a crazy age. I have a crazy mind. Who said crazy never worked?

I'm not getting married. I'm just kinda realizing this, and the more I think about it and interact with him, good or bad, the stronger it gets. Call me a crazy love struck girl. Being in love is one thing and I am definitely in that, but loving someone is different. That's a choice, and it's a choice I want to make.
I've got plenty of time ahead of me to change my mind or solidify it more. No rash decisions here. Just bold choices.

I Just Know

I can feel you
Combing your gentle fingers through my long pony tail
And quietly whispering or humming
I'm too sleepy to know
But I feel you here
Loving me
Even though you're over there
A thousand miles away

It's the small smile
The light in your eyes
The words on your face
The way you say princess

It's when I feel you rubbing your nose against mine
Or kissing my forehead
When you're merely pixels on a screen

It's the quick message
That sends me part of you
Or the way I wake up in the morning
And just know
You love me

It's when you're weak and exposed
And I look like a warm blanket
That can wrap around you
I wish I could wrap around you

It's the truth
The communication
And the struggle
And the fight
And it's the tight and secure embrace that comes after
The parts that test our hearts
Whether we're apart or near or at the baggage claim
It's all the same relief and security
To know
I've got you
I love you
I'm here
And I'm working

This is
You are
Worth it