Stagnation in the Church

I'm hesitant to commit myself to a church because due to my current location (I'm assuming), the churches here are SO white-washed. The diversity is so very limited. And I really don't like that. I'm so used to being in class with so many different kinds of people that it's weird to go into a church and see so very few people of color. I like other perspectives. I feel like internalized stereotypes in the south keep those people away. I also wish there were more LGBTQA members for different voices but of course the church scared those people away with their abomination and sin screeching. I see very little open mindedness and it's frightening. People still see women as less. People aren't open to different and deeper interpretation. I think the fact that scripture isn't so easy to understand from our culture and time period is scary to other people because that means they can't take things for face value. That means they have to work to understand it and it might clash with something they previously believed. I'm really tired of the church remaining silent about mental illness. Reading the word of God and praying isn't going to keep someone from wishing to be dead or from hearing voices. The church needs A LOT of work in the south but I don't know if they're willing to change. I don't know if it's better up north but I'm tired of it down here.

I've been thinking about death again recently. I'm not really sure what that means. Maybe I should call my psychiatrist. I don't really know. I'm tired. Tired of having to follow this pattern of life. Like I'm stuck. There's no out. You're born. You go to school. How long you stay in school determines your job most of the time. You get a job. Some people have a family. You work your job until you're old enough to stop. Then you die. Like why do I want any part of this? There are happy times but part of me doesn't think it's worth all of the suffering. Call me weak, but it's true. I feel stuck in my body. In my life. I just want to go away or somewhere else. God has to understand I'm tired..Death is one thing people have control over. Actual control. Everything else is pretty much an illusion. Like sure you get to choose your job and interests but they literally all suck you into what society already wants. They want your money and your labor. What is the point of all this going around and around? Like where are we going? What do we expect to gain? Control over others? I don't want that. It's pretending you have control over lives when all you want is control of life in general. You can't erase mortality. We can't play God because we too will disappear. I don't get it. Why would God create beings out of love so that they can then suffer to the point of not wanting to even have been created? They say suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. But suffering is a permanent problem until you're dead so...how does that make sense? Technically Jesus chose to die to pay for us since we can't do anything right. Which isn't technically our fault since we were "born into sin." So if someone dies because they are tired of their flesh sinning what does that mean? Your soul is saved not your stupid meat suit. Apparently many say suicide is a sin, but I'm not sure. They say our body does not belong to us, but then why were we given one in the first place? We're allowed to make choices. That was a part of God's love standard. So I don't know. It doesn't really matter if you don't actually do it.

I don't really post a lot anymore. I don't know. I guess I don't have much to say. I wish I had more friends. I wish I had more energy for friends. It takes a lot out of me to interact with people I'm not really close with. It's always so nice to get back home. No one seems to really interest me though and I don't seem to interest them. So I'm stuck in this loop of trying, but no one seems to care enough to reciprocate the efforts back. The most interest I seem to get from people is from guys because they want more than friendship. I'm not around a lot of guys anymore so I don't experience that too often anymore. No complaints there though. I don't know what hit me today, but it feels similar to a wall of apathy. Like my motivation dropped out from under me. It sort of happened when Ryan told me that we should maybe limit our communication more. Which I totally get. But when he said it, I just didn't even have the energy to form a solid opinion. I just gave in and said I'd back off. Just like that. No opposition. No complaining. Just whatever.
You can't answer every why question. I think that will always drive me crazy. I'll always hate it.
I just don't get why God would create creatures to in turn praise him? Like I'll probably be struck with lightning but doesn't that seem egotistical? If you create creatures and let them have their own choice, why is one choice created to be negative. We're bad if we don't love the creator even though we were given the choice? Who says that's bad? The creator? Then why did he even give us the choice? Love isn't love without choice, but no one is entitled to love. You can't be upset when someone doesn't love you when they have the choice to not. If they've lived a crappy life with no sign of hope, they don't have to do anything. Some people I think would rather not have been created. Why is suicide bad? Because we don't like being creatures where we're given choice but one has negative consequences which logically pushes you to do the other so you don't suffer? Suicide is saying I don't want any part of this. It's saying why was I created when I was going to be pushed on way or the other. How is that choice? People rebel because they think their statement is worth the suffering. I personally do not like to suffer. So where do I belong in this mess? I'd like to be "good" but I hate the terms good and evil. It restricts your vision. It doesn't allow you to see the beauty that is the mess of the human race. We are messes. We deal with things the best we can, but we all deal with things so differently that you get an entire palette of colors. It's funny because even through all that color, we're still all people in this giant mess together. And we are going to mess up more things than fix them because with every fix comes the possibility for more mistakes. It's okay though. Messes aren't all that bad. I mean why else would we be left this way? It's not our fault we came to be and were born into this mess. There's gotta be something out there for us. Or so I hope.
The less I understand God, the more I fall in love with people.

My heart does this thing where just the thought of you fills it so full with gratitude that the overflow of it comes out as tears. And while it's mainly gratitude and happiness to have you in my life, part of it is missing you with all of me. Because it's hard to be apart from someone that makes you that happy even with miles between. To not be able to show you my love through touch, sometimes it kills me. But I'll wait until I see you again and then those tears can be nothing but joyful. The tug in my heart is never fun but it's a clear indication that you're something special and worth every second of the wait. So in a couple months I'll be way up in the sky knowing I'll be in your arms in a little bit. No one wants to do long distance. I swore I'd never be able to. I thought I wouldn't be strong enough. I guess I had to grow up a little and meet the right person to know that strength is there and only reserved for those who truly deserve it. We started this way so some may say that makes it a little easier and it did in the beginning. But it also makes everything in this relationship, like all of the touches, so much more meaningful. The small things are huge. We crave them more than the big things. Yeah we still want the big things and maybe we'll do them every once in a while, but nothing is better than being in your arms. Because after being so far apart, having no space in between us with you still being you is the exactly what makes me one of the luckiest people alive.

every day I want nothing more than to end up in your arms










people think they miss their loved one after they've left or haven't seen them for a day or two.
there's nothing like months apart and nothing you can do about it. when your world feels bright and shiny they can't go out and celebrate. when you want to do nothing but cry they can't hold you. you can't even look into their eyes. feel their warmth. smell their scent. you get a voice here and there. sometimes if you're lucky a pixelated face on a screen. the words 'I want you' have lost their ability to communicate this desire that tugs so hard that it makes everything else's priority seem tiny in comparison. when missing someone means the tug hurts so much that it makes you cry. I'm not the 14 year old who believed whatever boys told me anymore. there comes a point when you decide that relationships aren't games or fun to mess around with. they aren't some naive girl's fantasy. instead of diving in with all the joy I'm scared. this is more. and that's the scary part. because messing this up means messing up a once in a lifetime chance with someone so unique and kindhearted. it's one of those things that becomes your lifelong 'what if.' i refuse to let this be a 'what if.' my life doesn't die if this does. I will move on and do whatever comes next. but he has significant potential to influence my life long term. this deserves my best effort and the best me I can provide. he deserves it.

Abortion And Why You're Not Allowed To Have An Opinion For Anyone But Yourself

So there comes a time when I always see something on the internet that causes a fire in me. It's always a fire of disbelief with ignorance. This time it deals with abortion. I personally would never get an abortion for I don't think I could deal with my mental health afterwards and it doesn't exactly go too well with my religion either. That doesn't mean I'm allowed to say abortion is wrong. It also doesn't give me the right to shame other women and fight against their rights as humans. People are put in all different sorts of situations, none of which you can judge considering you're not perfect either. Before I start on why forcing people to stay pregnant is wrong, let me just say no woman is happy getting an abortion. Let me repeat that. NO WOMAN IS HAPPY GETTING AN ABORTION. Relieved perhaps, but happy? Yeah right. There's a quote out there that says “A woman does not want an abortion like she wants an ice cream cone, a new dress, or a Porsche; she wants an abortion like an animal caught in a trap wants to gnaw off its own leg to escape.” Now let me tell you why it's wrong to tell a woman she has to give birth.
You cannot force a human being to save someone else's life. Dead people do not have to give up perfectly good organs to save people. People who are brain dead but have perfect, LIVING organs do not have to give them to others. It calls for consent. The family's consent. You do not have to donate blood to someone who is bleeding out before you even if you are related to them. You don't have to supply your organs and blood to a fetus. The fetus is dependent off its mother. It cannot live without it. Just like some people can't live without machines to keep them alive. If you force a woman to have the child, you are giving her no body autonomy. Does the fetus have the right to use the things keeping it alive? Let's see, if we're going off the argument that the fetus is already alive then let's pretend this is a child. If a child is in the hospital and it cannot live without a transplant, transfusion, or some other miraculous medical intervention, do you know who gets to make the call? Not the doctor. Not the government. Not a bunch of people with loaded Bibles. The parents. Yup. The parents get to say what sort of treatment the kid gets. If they do not want to put the kid through that or if their life would be financial hell afterwards which would mean losing the child (which is emotionally damaging to children. the psychological trauma induced with separation cannot be easily repaired like a cut), they do not have to. You want to know has all the say during pregnancy? The woman. She is the hospital and the organs and the doctor and the mother for this fetus while it is in her. She can say what she wants. Yes it means that fetus won't get to live a life and some people think it's murder, but honestly, that thing couldn't live outside the body. She's turning off the life support that she is providing physically. There's no telling what mental trouble she's taking from the pregnancy too. Yes a healthy marriage would consist of making a joint decision together but the world doesn't work like that for everyone. Everyone has a different situation. Some people are raped. Some people can't afford it. Some people would be social rejected and ridiculed. Some people would be abandoned. Some people just don't want a child. Some people don't want their body to go through pregnancy. Regardless, you have no right to make their decision for them. Most people who argue against this believe in God, right? You might argue we need to live by God's rules and not the governments? The Bible says to respect and follow the laws of your government. You sin. Why do you get to judge another sinner if that's what you consider sin? If you're a Christian, you believe in forgiveness. Jesus already knew they were going to kill him before they did. Even as they were he asked for God to forgive them. If you're supposed to live like Jesus, maybe you should revisit that. But you are not allowed to force your beliefs on others. Your religion is not everyone else's. Let people make their own choices based off of their beliefs.
If you are pro life then you believe every single life has the right to live. This includes children born from incest, children with painful and horrible diseases, children born from rape, children born from the death of their mothers in labor. Every single life. Every single pregnancy. Every single situation is included when you throw in this argument. You cannot disconnect the two. It's impossible. So you want children to be born from the act that was a sin, a non-consensual act forced upon a woman. You would rather shame people who have consensual sex who do not want or are not in position to have a child. I'm sorry but hospital bills are freaking expensive. Giving birth is expensive. People are going to have sex. As creatures of survival, we have the instinct to reproduce (let me exclude the asexual community from this), and so sex will happen. In marriage and outside of. You can't stop it. There are consequences to having unprotected sex. There are also consequences of sin. Which EVERYONE does. If you're a Christian, you don't have to pay those consequences though. The consequence of sin is death. You were freed from that with Christ. Let those people be free from their consequence as you are. Do not cast your stones. Let them go. The world is not black and white. You are the same as those people. Try to love people even as they are sinners because that is exactly what Jesus did for you.

I am a Christian and I am pro choice.

*screams internally forever*

Freaking a. I have seen so many sexist things today that I have to rant about at least one of them because I'm about to want to throw myself off a building and that's like 25% joking.
Women DO NOT need to be the traditional female role for relationships with men to work.
Men DO NOT need to be the traditional male role for relationships with women to work.
REPEAT AFTER ME.
TRADITIONAL GENDER ROLES DO NOT FIT EVERYONE AND EVERY COUPLE.
Some chick on facebook who goes to the church I am like maybe like 5% affiliated with now posted some article saying how Kirsten Dunst's view that men should be men and women should be women in relationships is refreshing. refRESHING. After thousands and thousands of years of patriarchy and gender roles, somehow conforming to what feels like the timeless norm is refreshing. What. Like I'm sorry, but that is the stupidest thing I have heard. I respect women who chose to be stay-at-home moms and fill the traditional role by knowledgeable choice, but to state that, that's what it takes for things to work is entirely ignorant and insults diversity in and of itself. Sometimes I wonder if I nailed myself to a cross and suffered a painful death while speaking of how horrible gender roles are, maybe just maybe people would be less ignorant. Influencing tons of generations of people to be more accepting and open minded..that would be worth dying for.  

Drowning

So when I was in the hospital in September, I had a dream that I was drowning, but somehow I was still breathing. It ironically was symbolic of my actual situation which is weird because I don't have dreams like that. Anyway, man months later, I decided to make something out of that vivid dream.

Slowly falling
I won't swim
It's so deep
This is the end

Unlike air
I still descend
I can't reach up
I won't breathe in

But soon I have to open up
My lungs will surely start to flood

With eyes wide open
I breathe in
And still survive
Without some fins

I've hit the bottom
But I'm not dead
I thought that drowning
Would clear my head

Do you think
I'll learn to swim
With nothing left
No oxygen

If I'm breathing
Will no gills
I'll stay down here
Until this ocean stills

One day I
Will journey up
And know that
I was good enough

Water air
I'll still be there
To show someone
I truly care

You may have demons
In your sea
But you can tame
Your enemy

Don't give up
Take some time
And with some love
You'll be just fine.

Masculinity, Sexuality, and Leadership

Something that really confuses me is this notion that men aren't to be blamed for their sexual desires and impulses towards women. That women "tempt" men to do such things or that men just can't help themselves. The fact that I might be wearing something might cause a man to act as if he were an impulsive animal is an insult. It's not an insult to me though. It's an insult to men. The fact that the idea of masculinity comes with powerful and uncontrollable sexual urges is appalling. Men are not animals. They are higher thinking, rational beings just as women are. Men have absolutely no excuse to say they can't control themselves. That's absolute garbage. In fact, I feel if this notion is true about men then we as a society should really question whether they should be holding leadership positions. I wouldn't want some impulsive and sexually crazed man in charge and making decisions. For all I know, he could be making decisions based off of his crazy lusts for certain women or rage that he didn't get a woman (because men are more aggressive too right?). If men are animals in that sense, they shouldn't be given the responsibilities of being in charge of things. Do you see how this would be entirely wrong to say men 1) are all uncontrollable sex demons that turn into beasts the way a werewolf can't deny the full moon, and 2) how it's wrong to take away the credibility of all men's leadership skills based off of this very disgusting, degrading, and untrue stereotype? Honestly, when you say women are too emotional, especially when their hormones are at higher levels, you're doing the same exact thing. Except this for some reason seems to be a reasonable argument for denying women leadership positions. Women, just like men, have control over their behaviors. They may have desires and emotions, but we have the ability to not act on them because of a thing called the frontal lobe. What's even more amazing is that both men and women have the ability to reflect on why they thought or felt what they did, question their motives, and correct them for the future. Wow. What a shocker. As if we have respect for ourselves and other human beings. Who would have ever thought that we, humankind, could ever have reached such unimaginable heights? -_- Seriously? Seriously..? Gender roles are crap. They cause people to revert their intelligence to something below that of what I consider a rational human being.

Pretty dresses

Royal balls

We know it's not reality

But the way they love

Looks so appealing

As they dance along the surface

Of a complex mystery

So we try 

To replicate

But it turns to lust

What is love in a week

It's a game

That only fools play

Because they can't stand

With the weight

Of a deeper sort

Romance is tinder

That lets the attractive spark burn

But the warmth only lasts so long

You always need more fuel

It'll die without it

The more you put in

The more heat you'll get out

We learned

It's not a fairytale

It hurts

And it makes you weak

It can bring you to your knees

You can always walk away

I've seen

The more I work

Makes those dreams

Our reality

But they never said

What it takes to really love

You need strength

And patience too

You need hope

That we can pull through

You have to give

And sacrifice 

The selfish thoughts

You'd never admit

Learn to receive

And love yourself

If you can't

That'll be the end of it

All I know 

Is what I want

We both deserve

Each other's love

You can have

My commitment

I'm in

Please take my love

These growing pains

Are so worth it

I'll work until the end

Or til we both transcend

I want to know 

We dove the deepest depths

Where we held our breaths

For the beauty below

Even though we craved oxygen

They'll never know

As they skim along

Afraid to break the surface tension

The density is too much weight

The fairytale facade 

Will keep them afloat

It's a shame

They'll never see 

The colors they never knew existed.

Get Out

I am so angry right now and for no logical reason other than the fact that I can't get a hold of someone. I have not felt like myself for about 3 weeks now and I am about to go insane. First I was emotional in the form of sad and irritated. Then I was turned on for like two days straight. Now I'm just flat out furious. All of this for no apparent reason. I want to punch a wall. It's like I can recognize all of these out of character behaviors and thoughts and yet they won't go away. I'm practically having an out of body experience and want to strangle myself. I am so mad and I can't understand it and now it's about to turn into being really upset and I feel like a stupid teenage girl experiencing the ridiculous ups and downs of the new hormone surge. I feel impatient and immature. I would be able to easily hurt someone's feelings right now in my blind rage because I am just that mad. I am never like this. Somebody inject me with some sort of relaxant because I want to punch things and yell at someone. Actually I think I've figured it out but no that can't be right. I'm just finding things to be mad at. I literally cannot see the positive in one single thing right now. My empathy levels have dropped to zero. I am in a very dark place. Where have I gone.

Freaking Bologna

Why why why why why why whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy

now
(not a poem)
I want him.
I'm his princess. He's my prince.
Little spoon. Big spoon.
We fit. We care. We work.
I choose to love him.
And my heart is tugging violently because I want him.
He is my best friend. He is my favorite person.
Why am I 20? Why do I live here and he lives there?
Why do I know I want to marry him now?
What good does this do me other than prove I am crazy?
20 years old and dreaming of the guy far away.
Man that's a long shot and it may not happen.
But I'm chasing it because I have never appreciated and cared for a person like this before.
Genuine gratitude. Like giving someone clean water to drink when they've only had a muddy river before.
That's what this is like. I didn't know there was better water. I don't ever want to be dehydrated again.

So I go to this Monday night church thing for young adults, and it's alright most the time.
But I'm noticing a trend. All of these people have grown up in the church so thus they think nonbelievers are like foreigners. As if people who didn't grow up in church are nothing but sin. I don't know. I feel like they really need to be humbled. One time they didn't know how people made morally okay decisions if they weren't a follower of Christ. Of course, I am sitting there thinking, "what in the heck," because most my life has been that way. People don't need a god to make good decisions or to be moral. There's a thing called philosophy and while theology and philosophy can overlap, some people do philosophy alone. There is nothing wrong with that. But they honestly were ignorant that people, such as myself, could turn out okay and make good decisions without smashing religion into my skull. I was even more dumbfounded this past Monday when the question was if non-Christians could love if they didn't know God. People were A) saying no and B) were confused at how monks from other religions could be so loving. While I am normally silent during these meeting things, this had crossed the line. Of course people can know love without knowing their Christian god. Geez. Children die every single day in other countries never getting the chance to learn of any worldly philosophies, but I can tell you they probably loved others. I had to bring up the obvious point that if we were supposedly made in God's image, then of course humans know how to love. Like I'm sorry, but I have been doing this for like not even a year, and I can answer that ridiculous question with their own theology. I just...how so very ignorant. It's like they aren't arrogant, but yet they think they're better somehow. They don't, but they do. And it's sort of driving me crazy. They're all white home grown Christians. Perhaps I shouldn't be baffled by the ignorance of their privilege. I won't be staying at this church my whole life, but I do know that if I ever go somewhere else, I will be searching for a diverse group of people of different ethnicity, genders (outside the binary), sexuality, and class. Crap I'd be okay if there were people of different beliefs there! Being with different people makes you less ignorant. It gives new perspectives. They don't understand. I'm afraid to tell anyone there I'm not a girl or a boy in my head because I'll be different and or weird which if it's not in the Bible, then it must be some doing of Satan. I truly think that growing up without questioning and without bending boundaries here and there to see if they're of use, is actually harmful. It's harmful because it's ignorant. You learn things when you make mistakes. I was forced to mature in some harmful ways, but I'm smarter and more understanding because of it. Curiosity is beautiful. It raises questions and doubts. Some people don't like that. Normally that's because they don't know the answers themselves. Because of my non Christian life, I am more empathetic. I get people by knowing I don't know them at all. Knowing you don't know is the most powerful tool. You get to do what you want with it.

Being a Christian and doing good things don't mean a thing if you're just doing them because you think "someone said it's right" or "God wants it" or whatever other crap.
The point is that you are already saved. There's nothing left for you to do. You don't have to do anything to impress anyone or get God to like you or love you or whatever. It doesn't make you more of a Christian. It doesn't one bit.
The point of you being saved is to show you that you're loved. Once you learn what love truly is, it's supposed to open up your heart. When you see suffering around you and you feel their pain with them because you love other people, that's when something kicks in. That's when you want to help people. The point is that YOU want it. YOU want to love others because you just do. You know what love is and you know how people should be treated. You don't have to want it for a god or for praise. You just have to want to love others in order for any of those good deeds to mean a thing. But no matter how much you want it and how much you do it, you still don't get brownie points. You still aren't above anyone. Because when you love other people, you realize you are at the same level as everyone. The same level as murders even.
The point of the Bible isn't to follow a set of insane rules or to be afraid or to do things because "you're supposed to." The point of the Bible is loving and forgiving other people and realizing you are all the same underneath all of your beautiful differences. It's being part of humanity without being better or best and wanting to care for others around you because it's humane.
I do not know everything, but I cannot deal with people who stand on their Bibles to feel as if they are slightly taller than someone else.

I've Got Time

hello
i am in love
and i know you
are a gift from above

so i
don't wanna miss
a single kiss
that your lips could give me

and i am 20
young and freely
loving you
and they all say you have your whole life
to find your love
use your time so very wisely
before it's up

and i
i've got the rest of my life
and all this time
to share with you

if my time and energy
decide to slip
away from me
and i
i spent my time
loving you
i don't think i
would hit undo

Crazy Girl

Sooo two posts one day. Oh well.

So I may be crazy, but I kinda have decided that I know who I want to marry.
I. am. 20.
Just because I've decided doesn't mean I'm running off and getting engaged anytime soon.
It doesn't mean it can't or won't change if things make a turn for the worst.
But right now, looking ahead, I know.
Yeah I know when I'm all happy and lovey dovey.
But I also know when I'm extremely frustrated and upset with him. Because it's a choice to love someone.
And I've decided this is more than I could have ever asked for.

Don't get me wrong. I've been stupid and naive before. I thought I knew who I was going to marry when I was 15. It was my first serious boyfriend, and I was about as innocent and naive as they come. He said forever. I believed him. Apparently forever was 2 years and 2 months. I'm glad he dumped me. He was not a nice boy and he used and abused me. I'm older now and have been through a couple boyfriends, serious and..well...flings. But this time, I can see further ahead, and I can see where it can go wrong every step of the way. I know when I'm being selfish and I can fight it. And the best part of it all, I don't feel like I need to change or fix any part of him. I don't need to motivate him. He's good on his own. I'm good on my own. We're awesome together. I might be young, but I'm not stupid. Relationships are hard work if you are in a good one. Marriage is super hard work regardless if it's good or not. I don't know everything about marriage or taxes or well a lot of stuff actually. I have to learn a ton, but I've never wanted anything more.

He's the one I want to have disagreements with. Who I want to get on one knee. The one I want to be at the altar. The one I want to go to sleep next to and wake up beside. The one I would sacrifice for. The one I would fight for. The one I would wait for (which is saying a lot for me considering I'm impatient as hecka). I'd want to have kids with him and be a scared parent with him. To sing a kid to sleep with or read to. To mess up with and know it's okay. He's the one I want to create beautiful things with. He's safe and he's loving. And I'm absolutely a crazy 20 year old girl, but I would love to marry him. And that is one crazy commitment. It's a crazy decision. It's a crazy age. I have a crazy mind. Who said crazy never worked?

I'm not getting married. I'm just kinda realizing this, and the more I think about it and interact with him, good or bad, the stronger it gets. Call me a crazy love struck girl. Being in love is one thing and I am definitely in that, but loving someone is different. That's a choice, and it's a choice I want to make.
I've got plenty of time ahead of me to change my mind or solidify it more. No rash decisions here. Just bold choices.

I Just Know

I can feel you
Combing your gentle fingers through my long pony tail
And quietly whispering or humming
I'm too sleepy to know
But I feel you here
Loving me
Even though you're over there
A thousand miles away

It's the small smile
The light in your eyes
The words on your face
The way you say princess

It's when I feel you rubbing your nose against mine
Or kissing my forehead
When you're merely pixels on a screen

It's the quick message
That sends me part of you
Or the way I wake up in the morning
And just know
You love me

It's when you're weak and exposed
And I look like a warm blanket
That can wrap around you
I wish I could wrap around you

It's the truth
The communication
And the struggle
And the fight
And it's the tight and secure embrace that comes after
The parts that test our hearts
Whether we're apart or near or at the baggage claim
It's all the same relief and security
To know
I've got you
I love you
I'm here
And I'm working

This is
You are
Worth it

AAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHH

Like I've said before people who comment on Yahoo articles are ignorant as can be. There's a new one about a transgender girl's parents suing because the school made her use the staff restroom. These people are agreeing with the school. Like I'm sorry but none of them understand what transgendered implies. People who were born with both male or female parts or none at all are transgendered. Their sex isn't a clear defined thing and it normally becomes a personal choice as they age. The hormones instead of the external genitalia more often than not determine that person's identity. It's better for the individual's mental health to choose. These people commenting are all like, "I'm a guy. If I say I think I'm a girl do I get to go into the girl bathroom." And then there's mom's like, "I don't want my child in the same restroom or locker room with that." GET OVER YOUR CHILDREN. They will be fine. Transgendered people are not interested in scoping out your freaking kid. THEY JUST WANT TO USE THE BATHROOM OR CHANGE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. They identify as that gender. Let them be that gender for God's sake and stop teaching your child to hate or judge that child because of the way they were born. Trans girls and boys are beautiful and deserve to be respected and stood up for. They are just normal people. Forget what's between their legs and just let them pee in peace. If you taught your child to treat them as a normal individual, then you wouldn't have to be concerned about your kid's discomfort in the bathroom. Stop teaching your children to be rude and judgmental. How segregated and alone do you think those trans children feel? To be thought of as abnormal and strange. That isolates them, especially when they're young. There are way more trans and intersex individuals out there than people realize. Those people normally don't go parading around about it because of how people react, as shown in this article. 

I am done. They should have a gender studies course in high school so people aren't so dumb and rude about this. 

Zap

There's something that keeps flashing in my head
It's happened quite a few times
So I wonder if it's true
Or just a small spark of insanity
The fleeting hope
That keeps the lost wanting more
I do not feel lost though

To understand these flashes
You must find the words
In your language that fit
A simple combination really
Then your mouth must move as you exhale
The flashes into the open
I think I'm holding my breath

The thing is
That simple combination
Isn't quite so simple
And once the few words
Slip past the fear and out my mouth
They transform the air
Into a heavy solid
A reality
A reality that must be held
I hope I can bear the weight

Six letters
Two words
The first word of this sentence
And the first number you learn
How can two syllables
One breath
Mean more than any number

What does that flash in my head do to you
As it brushes against your reality
Does it put a flash in your heart
A hope in your mind
A current through your soul
Or have I shocked myself
By putting a nail in the socket

Should I choke back this air or breath
You choose the one

Beautiful Mind Beautiful Body

So I feel like girls in general always struggle with their feelings towards their outward appearance. Being a girl who literally dresses in sweats almost everyday and puts no make up on, I don't have quite the same degree as some people. I do of course have my low self esteem moments, and to be honest, I feel pretty average. I figure that's okay. I just have to be comfortable as me. Some days are definitely harder than others, but recently I've had the opposite. The other day I quickly checked the rear view mirror to see if I had something on the edge of my eye. But when I caught a glance, I thought, "Oh wow my eyes looks really pretty. I look kinda pretty today." And I had my hair up and sweats as usual. A couple nights ago I was changing into another T-shirt and pants, and I once again saw myself. Though I'm not perfectly as toned as I'd like to be right now, I really liked how my body looked. Even the parts I usually don't like were doing okay. This might sound entirely conceited, but girls need to love themselves more. I hate how we're shown what we're supposed to be and torn down because we're not, but then we're supposed to be confident. Because apparently boys like confidence, but not too much and everything we do has to be for boys, right? Yeah right. Boys are so full of themselves. We can't be self conscious and we can't be confident. What are we supposed to be? It's sort of like the limbo I found myself dealing with when I was just 14 and affects even younger girls and women my age. How can you be innocent and sexy at the same time? Innocent and childlike but sexy and knowing? Like that just doesn't mix. But back to the body thing. I came to the realization that my body is beautiful because it is mine. It's not public property. It's not the random guy on the train's. It's not a politicians. It's not my future husband's. It is mine. And because it's mine, I get to do what I want with it and decide how I like it. I can love a changing body. Nothing stays the same. I go through times of extreme athleticism where I weigh a little more because my leg muscles are ridiculous from the amount of soccer I'll be involved in. Or when I haven't worked out in months and I'm a little squishier, but much tinier. One day I will age, and that's okay. My body is my canvas. My map. I get to shape or paint it however I choose. You don't get to tell me my favorite color is ugly and that I should change it. It's my favorite color. Who are you to tell me my preferences? Right now I'd like to be more tone. It's not for aesthetic purposes, though those are a bonus. I would like that because my season is about to start and if I don't get my butt in shape, I will be extremely tired in the first 10 minutes and at a higher risk for injury. Regardless, I will enjoy what I have because it makes for a happier me.

So my body is beautiful because it is mine.

Off the Spectrum

I wish I could write for you
All of the colors and songs
You have caused my heart to weave
They are off the spectrum
Of light and sound
They only exist
Inside

If you look at the sky
On a clear night
And realize
You are not looking up
But out
At an endless
Complex
And beautiful space
In which you exist
But hardly know
You will taste it
Some of the awe
That I take in

Somehow in this phenomenal universe
You and I
Exist
Together
Not only exist
But love
Each other
To the point of being able to
Create new universes
Masterpieces
In each others heart
Which are so unique
And yet so universal
That you want to share

You are off the spectrum
Words colors and sounds
Will never be enough
Because they have limits
And what you have given me
And I can give to others
That can spread
Beyond our knowledge
Is limitless

It's as if God
Constructed this
So it couldn't be translated
For all it's worth
Into other mediums
But only allowed it to be
Experienced.

What's Up With My Identity

It's been awhile since I've posted. Back in school and was doing great until I came into conflict about my gender identity with my significant other. This is something I would consider seeking therapy for. Let me explain.

I am biologically a girl. I accept being called a girl and she her ect. I am attracted to males. I have long hair but mostly wear loose sporty clothes and no make up. I do not connect to many of the qualities society has deemed feminine, but I don't want to be a boy. My brain does not feel like it is either based on what I'm told are the binary genders. I fit into this androgynous or agender category. But I am definitely a girl. They say girls think certain ways and I find myself left out of these thought patterns. I am a girl to me but if I'm going to have qualities, thoughts, emotions, wants, and needs thrust upon me due to this label, I will reject this label and seek a new one. So if I can avoid being generalized I'm in the agender group. Being a girl is no fun based on biological and social reasons, but that's what I am. I'm okay with it, but I'm not okay with what comes with it due to others. I am confused and this is the kind of thing that would send me back into sad town. I told Ryan the agender thing and he of course thought it meant I'm more dude and less female than he thought which he doesn't like. This makes me want to barf. I am not closer to being a guy. I like doing some society labeled girl things and society labeled boy things. I'm essentially neither according to these rules because I literally refuse to sign this contract that being female requires. But I don't want a sex change in the slightest so that makes me wishing to be neither. The problem is I am a girl and call myself one because if you look at me, I freaking am. Curse any other piece of crap that people pair with having certain genitals. Screw that. They're for reproducing and do not determine my personality. I am going to self destruct.