Monday, September 30, 2013

Hello Again

So I am back from all of my hospitalization. Hooray. But unfortunately I'm developing another very serious illness...

I have a One Direction song stuck in my head. It's all downhill from here. I now find myself singing the song randomly. I've listened to it thinking it might go away, but alas, it did the opposite. It's a slow and painful death from here. At least with this boyband, I don't find any of them attractive. A miracle that will save me from becoming an obsessive fangirl, but their stupid music is so flipping catchy. I'm scared.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Gecko

I want the sky in my lungs
I want the ocean in my veins
I've got your name in my head
I want this love in your heart
If you come out and play
We don't have to hide
We can be two ghosts in the night
Let's not be haunted by fright
It's okay if you go
But I wish you would stay
No one has quite seen me this way.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Can I Drop Now

I'm exhausted. The dragging thoughts haven't stopped, school is more stressful, and with no one to go to, I've about had my limit. Not only am I drained emotionally where I'm a complete wreck with people I care to have actual conversations with, but this is taking away from everything. I can't exercise without getting upset or just feeling so so tired all over. Being tired you'd think I'd sleep fine, but I either feel like my sleep is restless sleep where I just want to wake up or I don't want to get up at all. I can't concentrate on things as well and my thoughts will often drift off into the not so good area. I want to hide away from everything and everyone, but at the same time I want to just burst out crying about everything to someone, anyone. I don't even want to go to school anymore which is entirely backwards for me. I'm not enjoying what I'm learning which is also backwards. I just want to give up. I want to drop on the floor. I want to drop out of life. I want to drop out of existence. Just for a little bit. Or maybe forever. I don't know. I actually read something that described it well. People don't inherently want to jump out of buildings, but when the building is on fire, the jump looks a lot better than the flames licking your back. Maybe the fire is an illusion but it doesn't feel like one. The crazy side of me wants to do something entirely all too radical but sometimes I really wonder where it would take me. I just want to be done. I don't really care about the end point anymore because it doesn't feel worth it. I want everything to pause, but life doesn't have a pause button. There's only a stop button and once you hit it, there's no play button to push. I don't know if I want to hit stop, but I do want to be done. Maybe that's the same thing. I would like to exit this ride. This things called life is as good as it gets apparently and I'm really not enjoying any aspect of it. I don't even know if I care about having a family anymore because I don't even want to continue anything. Maybe I need to do something crazy. Something that pushes the limits. Wow is that how people get into drugs? I actually have no clue. I'm pretty ignorant on the minds of drug abuse so I can't go making assumptions. Either way, that won't be an option nor a consideration. Yeah I don't know what I'll do.

Edit: I don't know how much longer I can do this.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Reveal, Revive

I feel terrible. Inside and out. When I get this way, I want to hide away from everything and everyone. This includes forces I can't get away from, nor should I resist. By forces I guess I mean help. I don't really want help from people though. I don't want to listen to their advice. It's not what I want. The answers aren't the right answers. I already thought of those answers. I just sort of want to start fading away into the background. Anyway I made this



So like everything I make, it's a mess. So there's a bunch of red and gray mess under the white if you happen to be color blind. The red and gray I guess are kinda the pain and troubles that are from some wound or hurt people encounter. People try to mask it and cover it up, which is the white that looks like it would be used for a wall or something. You can't actually cover it and draw yourself up as something you're not because it will show somehow. The dark blue streaks on the face are because I personally feel my indicator for portraying my state of mind is through my face. When someone else reveals their love towards your revealed wounds, that's where revival comes in. They start mending the cuts.
I don't know if I want to be mended though. I feel like I'd be bothering people. I don't want to waste their time or mine. That's why the person or whatever that is in the picture isn't drawn out. It's more like a soul or spirit. I don't really know. I'm not having such a great time. Plus my immune system seems to be effected by this too. Bleh.