That Girl

There's this girl that my brother talks to on Facebook. He doesn't know her, but she has a page where she posts funny things. She's my age. Problem is, she posts pictures of herself fishing for compliments and sometimes she'll even insult herself. Then she happily accepts comments like, "I'd bang," and other degrading things. It's disgusting, and it makes me so upset. I don't know her, but I just want to tell her she's not pieces. She's one person and doesn't deserve to be treated like an item. Her insecurities have pushed her to this, but she needs someone close to her to tell her how beautiful of a person she is inside and that it shines through to the outside. She deserves better than those revolting comments, and I wish I could tell her she shouldn't act like she likes it when people treat her like a sex object. It's not going to make her any happier, and she isn't going to feel any prettier. She's more than a number on a scale of 1-10, and she can't even see that. God. She's a gorgeous human being that needs secure love in her life. Not romantic love. Actual love.
I just want her to know, but I am watching as a stranger behind the glass. I care about her. I've never spoken to her, but I want her to bloom and become something more than what she sees herself as.

Saved by the Backup

I had a back up plan in case the boycott gift thing didn't go as hoped.
Unfortunately, both Ryan and I were on the same train of thoughts on gifts.
Like my gift is essentially a version of his. It looks bad since I'm sending mine later too.
Oh whatever. It's not like I copied. I had most of it already made, and I just modified a suggestion from my mother. So yeah...hopefully it doesn't look like I'm a retard.
Oh goodness.
Also, we had a white Christmas in Texas. Freaking crazy stuff right there.

And this was just the first bit of snow

Freaking Out

He sent me a gift (facepalming at my last post decision)!

HIS SWEATSHIRT. AND HE WROTE ME A SONG. I'm freaking out.
There are no words to describe this emotion. NONE.
I can't. I just.

I can't deal with it.
Trying to type my feels but I'm speechless and smiling like a fool. 

Gift or No Gift

The holidays suck.
Yup. That's right.
Call me Scrooge. I don't even care.
People decide this is the one time of the year they should be kind.
Now I'll think of the homeless.
Now I'll get my friend a gift.
Now I'll be religious.
Some is better than none? Whatever. They feel obligated.
A lot bothers me, but I'm having trouble with one in particular.

Gifts.
First off, this isn't a money complaining issue, but since I'm already on the topic, I'm a poor college student. I don't have enough freaking money to spend on people. Now that that's out of the way...
My problem is I don't know what to get people.
I don't like buying gift cards or all the cliche "I don't really know this person" gifts.
When I'm taking the time to be kind by giving, I go all out.
This ranges from making things from scratch, fitting inside jokes into things, photoshop, buying something hard to find, or dropping a couple paychecks for one person.
I can't go all out for everyone at once. It's just impossible.
I don't have the time, and I sure as hell don't have the money.
"Well then why don't you..." No.
No.
I don't half-ass kindness.
If my love is going into something, that person is going to know it.
Problem is that obligation thing comes back when dealing with gifts.
They get me something, but I don't get them anything.
I hate it.
I don't know if they expect something in return or if they just want me to have whatever it is.
I'm not greedy.
Gifts become projects.
I can't do 10 projects at once.
My brain would explode.
So this year, I'm not getting anyone anything.
Bought my brother a game after his breakup and told him it was an early Christmas thing.
That one doesn't count.
Aaaaaand I feel like a bad person for not getting gifts.
Obligation strikes again.
If I get someone a gift, it will be on my own time, when I want because I'm making and or buying it.
So I'm throwing those stupid obligations in the trash.
Deal with it. 

Jesus' stamp of approval to my new movement

This Whole Week

I've been feeling a little under the weather.

Just kidding!
I'm miserable.
My finger nails have been purple from the level of cold I'm experiencing.
Took my nursing exam. To the world, I did great. I think I could have done better.
I'm going to go curl up, try to get warm, and if I achieve this warmth I so desire, die peacefully.

I've Decided

You say you're worried
The future haunts me too
But not this time
I've decided
Do you wanna know why
Call me crazy
Headfirst heart first
Oh what's the difference
And I, I don't wanna let this chance
Get away

How do you feel when you look at me
Remember all the songs you sing
When you daydream
Strumming guitar strings
Ask yourself if it's worth it
You can take this risk or you can quit
And I've decided
I want you with me

And I, I wanna see your face
I wanna look in your eyes
I wanna tell you tonight
I wanna tell you that
I, I need you to know
No matter where you go
I'll be here if you need me

Yeah I've decided
Whatever happens
I'll be alright
Will you be alright

I've decided
To tell you the truth
I don't see this going anywhere
Anywhere but
Up up up
Up up up

You Haven't Changed

To Alex
Take this as you would from a friend since that's precisely what we are. That silly boy I thought had grown up or that you had told me had grown up isn't gone. I was like the inducer  for your repressible operon in molecular genetics. Once I left, there was no need to repress that so you reverted right back to what you were. It makes me wonder if you had ever changed at all or if you were just hiding it this whole time. Not that it should hurt me, but I guess this means it's still a cut and not a scar yet. I know I wasn't just an object even if it felt like it sometimes, but it makes me curious if I started that way. Must be why things are the way they are today. This isn't something you grow out of. My father is a prime example of that. This is something you open your eyes to and make the change to better yourself as a human being. There goes one more guy I can add to list that will never see me as an equal. I was not a prize that you won and neither is any other girl on this planet. I can't change you. You have to change you.

Unexpected

Thoughts I don't plan on telling the person this is directed to

Last night, you took me by surprise. It wasn't anything new. I just wasn't expecting it.
There was a slight pause in the conversation, but I was so anxious to eat for soccer, I barely noticed. It happened, and I didn't take the breath of air one takes during a pause.
You slowly looked up at me with those warm brown eyes, and with a small, simple smile, you said, "I love you, Carly." And just like that I noticed it all. My world sort of froze for a second, and I sat there. Shocked isn't the right word. Neither is stunned. It was unexpected is all.
I realized I was holding up time trying to take that moment in, and said it back. I meant it, but I wish I could go back and put all the emotion caused by your words that I felt behind it. I think I was smiling, but I can't really remember. All I remember is your face and your voice.
The moment was simple. It wasn't forced. It was happy. It was unexpected. It was perfect.
That's why I sat there in silence for a while. I was grateful in the moment, and if it hadn't been for the time crunch on both our ends, you would have known all this in that same moment.



I've come to the conclusion that my soft side comes out in internet form while the sporty girl I believe myself to be is what I wear on a regular basis in real life. So in other words, deal with the sap. And I type this to reinforce this with myself.

Wherever You Go

Roads and rivers and hilltops and trees
The landscape between us
How many miles, how many feet
Time loses meaning with you around
I'm lost in the sand
Yet I'm counting the ground
From your feet to mine
To find where we stand
My head can escape
But my heart never flees
It covers the distance
Measurement is gone with the breeze
Wherever you go, every tik is the same
From Maui to Maine, I'll love you anyway.




Last post was not a poem. My brain was processing in short fragments and I had to get rid of it.
Yup derp derp derp. Oh who woulda thought I'd be writing silly things like this...I'm the kind of girl that secretly wants to punch people out during soccer games. Not the "let's write about our feelings" kind.