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I'm being overwhelmed by feelings right now. 

Let me explain:

and mainly my face is like this

OH MY GOODNESS. WHAT IS LIFE RIGHT NOW

Fight Like A Girl

So there's a lot of anger that has built up, but I'm not going to use it to be verbally violent. Hopefully it will empower me somehow instead. So that's why I made this. Now there's too much going on for it to look organized, but this isn't about looking pretty. It was about getting it out of my head. It also has an unfinished look because one) I'm lazy. Two) It can be however I want. 

Snapshot

I think certain moments in history have been captured perfectly in pictures, and while I rediscovered a game from my childhood, it brought back one of my soccer heroes.

Brandi Chastain scored the winning goal at the World Cup in 1999. I can't help but feel happy when I see this picture. It was just one of those moments in women's athletics that inspired young girls. I don't even care that she ripped her shirt off. It adds to the moment. Shootouts are one of the most stressful things, and I can't even imagine the pressure of being at the world cup. All those years of hard work, and it essentially comes down to one shot that is 12 yards away from the goal. 

Even though I may not be playing in the brand new women's professional league or the national team, thank you Brandi Chastain for influencing my experience as a female soccer player.


The winning goal is at 12:00. 

When I Have Words

I noticed when I'm upset or mad, I have a lot to say about things, but when I'm happy I just sort of marinate in my feelings. I don't really type them out or explain them too well. I figure that's what gifs are for and since now I have these positive emotions currently gushing forth, I'll use some gifs. 

I Made A Thing

*vague and uneducated sounding*
I made a thing I made a thing I made a thing. But I've gotta wait before it can be revealed. But I'm super super excited that I made a thing. Maybe I can improve the thing, but it's still pretty cool that I made it anyway.

Triggers

Today must be one of those days where I'm hyper aware of things that drive my brain into a mad frenzy.
I found out a girl in my graduating class was shot and killed by her boyfriend yesterday. It's not that I really knew her, but when the proximity is closer, the reality that this happens to women everywhere everyday really smacks you in the face. Strike one.

I was watching the news and my parents decided to refer to people based on nothing but stereotypes. I threw my hands in the air and told them I had to leave the room. Their response was that I needed more "life experience under my belt" which apparently makes you sexist and racist. Strike two. 

And while on Facebook I saw a post that was "joking" about whether a girl was 18 or a minor, and the comments consisted of, "Legal or not! here we comes!" "old enough to pee, old enough for me," and tying it back around to the first strike, "she needs to be shot...repeatedly." Strike freaking three.
I want to move away and have nothing to do with this country/world where making comments about pedophilia, rape, or any gendered violence is okay or seen as funny. It makes me sick. Honestly, it's times like these where I feel the most distant from God because the horror causes a system failure inside my head. 

I used to be desensitized towards this kind of stuff, but once I could recognize the consequences that derive from these issues, I could see the role they play in people's everyday life, including mine and the people around me. It's like putting my head in a bucket of water and sending electricity through it. It makes my head hurt and leaves me feeling helpless for the world. It also leaves me terrified for myself and for others. Ugh I can't even finish this. 

Burn Your Money (another rant)

Disclaimer was in the title.

While on the topic of my father, the only was he tries to show me he "cares" is by supplying me with material goods. Now this is not all about him, but I figure it's a good bridge. Anyway, so he gets me things and then expects me to be the kindest most loving person ever toward him. Or he'll be like "I didn't have to do/get this for you," and I think to myself how you're supposed to do nice things because you want to. It's similar to the friendzone crap. He buys me things and expects kindness back, even after he insults me and tears me down. After I'm obviously upset with him because of something mean he said, he will tell me how ungrateful I am. Apparently buying me material possessions = getting to treat me like absolute crap whenever he pleases + a kind daughter. Yeah..that's not the only time I've had a problem with boys and money.
I dated two guys (not at the same time) whose families were not on the higher end of the socioeconomic scale. In fact, one of them was on food stamps. Here's the thing: I could not care less about that. One of them always complained about not having enough money to do fun things with me. He would whine whine whine and play his precious video games (where did the money come from for that) and say, "If I had more money and I would be a better boyfriend." Yeah, sure, that's it. When did just spending time with someone you care about become boring? Talking to each other is a great way to learn more about each other and perhaps develop a deeper relationship. But nooooo we can't have that. I like going on walks or playing sports or being outside. Watching movies, poorly drawing silly pictures, singing super loud, running, learning something new, exploring, anything really. Those things are free! There were countless times I suggested that sappy crap, but apparently store bought experiences were all he wanted (or video games, who knows). My friends get no exceptions for this either because that "boring" stuff is actually how you develop relationships with people. The people in my life do not need money to impress me or entertain me. It is so easy to entertain me if you are actually interacting with me. Going out and gifts are great every once in awhile, but anyone can do that. The most awesome thing someone can do is spend one on one time doing whatever with me. That is my favorite thing, other than laughing, and we can do that together too.

My love cannot be bought. Superficial relations based off of what our finances can get us suck. Next time someone says "oh I wish we had money to do this" I'm going to draw a dollar and set it on fire in front of their face. But I will do it with a straight face and say

I Live in a Toxic Environment

I wonder how I'll feel the day I move out. I guess I'll miss certain aspects, but I don't know what life is like without a bully. Now this isn't your average bully at school or daycare because I've had those. I've been beat up and called names by children that obviously needed some better guidance in their life, but the bully I've never understood isn't a kid. In fact, they're supposed to be loving and supportive. My bully is my dad, and he's bullied me since my mother decided she didn't love him anymore. I was 15. Ever since I started standing up for things, I've been shoved, kicked, and punched down. Not physically, but psychologically. When he realized I had a mind of my own that didn't agree with his, things got ugly. I could call out flawed logic on his parenting skills, or why he wasn't being fair to my mom. He thought I was taking sides when I wanted to stay out of the war completely. He doesn't know I've called my mom out too. Telling people they're wrong is one of the fastest ways to piss them off. So his anger of realizing I'm not a mini clone that can be controlled meant financial and psychological manipulation. "Guess who makes *insert amount of money here*. You don't own the house. Call me when you have a real job." Yeah, because how many 15-19 year olds own their own house. I must be stupid. "I own the car so I can just make it where you can't use it. Then you won't be able to go anywhere, not even school. You'll live under a bridge and I can cut you out of the inheritance. How does that sound?" Yes, take away your child's future. So when your peers ask about your children will you tell them how you shattered my chances or will you just not mention me? Even if you don't mention me, I will be at the back of your mind eating away at something.
Maybe they're just empty threats, but how am I supposed to know that? This person who is supposed to love me and has decided to raise me is telling me they are taking away everything. Physical signs of affection? Oh please, I can't remember the last time my dad hugged me, told me he was proud of me, or that he loved me. So we have threats, but we have name calling too. I have been compared to Hitler and Satan. I'm stupid, idiotic, a twit, a manipulative brat (oh the irony), a bitch, ungrateful, hateful, and pretty much everything a kid doesn't want to hear. But here I am never getting in trouble with the law and making practically perfect grades. Am I smart enough, Dad? Oh no, not yet, because every time I do something slightly different, be it in cleaning, directions, cooking, soccer, I am wrong. "Stop. Let me do it." I can't make any mistakes or else someone else needs to be doing it. Is it hard to believe I'm a perfectionist? I pretty much had a complete meltdown thinking I didn't get a 4.0 this semester when in reality I did. That's healthy. But apparently my different opinions on human equality aren't.
I don't like making fun of people. So what? So I don't hate the president because he's a Democrat? Who cares? He's a human and I don't think he's doing terrible. He actually stands up for women's rights which is more than half the ding dongs in our state will do. Oh I'm sorry, that racist, sexist, sizist, homophobic comment wasn't funny. Why? Because you cannot generalize people based on something you actually know nothing about. You were born a cisgender white heterosexual male with a "Christian belief system", meaning you've have no experiences with oppression in this country. I get called a Democrat (as if political affiliation is an insult) and then pointed at and laughed at in my family. I have no political party I side with so that is an ignorant statement. The fact that it's used as an effective joke causes my brain cells to commit suicide. The last time that happened, we were all in the car after the fireworks, and as they roared with laughter, I hinted at my bully induced depressed state by making a comment about blowing my brains out (which I would never do). There was an awkward second of silence and it was quickly shrugged off with more teasing. Sorry I care enough to stand up. I'm sorry your brain is too cemented in its ways to even consider different perspectives of other people's lives. What can I do to blast through that cement so you can stop purposely saying hurtful things about me and others? It's obvious it bothers me, but that makes you do it MORE. What kind of father does that? At what point will you notice I'm not laughing on the inside? Do I need to openly go to therapy so you know how broken I am because of everything you do? No, you would make fun of me for that. You know how I was sneaking off with the car and you got mad? That was so you wouldn't make fun of me for going to church. What did I do to deserve this? What horrible thing happened in your life that made you want to treat your only daughter this way? I don't understand and I probably never will.
My friendships with others have suffered because of this. Ever since I was 15, I've continually found myself in relationships where people insult me as a joke to try to get close to me. I get mistreated. I've accepted that for the longest time as normal, but I know now how terrible and toxic it is for my mental health. My confidence is complete crap. I may have been controlled by feeling crippled and dependent in the past, but not anymore. One day I will be free from this constant mental beating. One day I will forgive my mom for leaving me vulnerable and one day I will forgive you for all of this. Thank you for showing me the way not to treat my hopefully someday future children. I will be a better person in spite of you. You are controlling and bitter. You can't face whatever is inside of you so you feel the need to control the people around you. It's because you're scared. You think you are entitled to these certain things in life and are now losing them. Oh, do I have news for you. You aren't entitled to anything or anyone, especially if you've been hurtful towards them. Get off your throne and maybe you'll see people aren't bowing silently in respect, but in a gripping fear.

End note: I know some people have it worse off. Some don't have dads. Some have dads that physically and sexually assault them. But that does not lessen the damage or hurt that I have gone through. You don't say to someone who's had a stroke, "at least you don't have cancer." Like okay, I hope all those people survive and get help, but it's hard to do anything at the moment when I need help too.

EDIT: So I just dropped a weight and it made a pretty loud noise on the second floor of the house. After I explained from the top of the stairs what it was, he responded with no sarcasm or laughter, "Next time, drop it on your foot." And that was all he had to say to me.

Violet

Decided to play around with that program a little more. It started with a song. This song

Then out came whatever this is

Being

Apparently I have to bring confidence to Illinois. I was told it needed to be added to my list. 

One time I was challenged to be courageous. And that normally has to do with going outside my comfort zone which I don't do with confidence. Recently I read, "Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love," (1 Cor 16:12-14 NIV) and it got me thinking. I'm supposed to be courageous. I need the courage to be confident too though. They're quite linked in my head. I figure if I'm going to bring that along with me, I might start reminding myself which is what led to me making a silly picture. I used a different program with tons of different tools so this was sort of my experimentation with it.


It's a little strange but like I said, I was mainly just testing out the different tools. At first I thought it was super limited in features, but I just had to figure out the interface of the program. It's similar to photoshop, but it was built for the drawing tablet I have so it reads the strokes a bit smoother. I only know that because my handwriting doesn't look like it's drunken. Anyway, I need the stroke of confidence. Ha get it stroke, like a paintbrush? Yeah...I'll go now.

Proper Reaction

So so so I just got back from running and now I'm super hyper. This post will sound like a third grader wrote it. The warning is in place. It's a good time to talk about my excitement towards the trip to Illinois without being a Debbie Downer. Oh my goodness I am super excited. It's a new place and I love flying on planes. As much as the rest of the world hates it, I love the airport and all the security. He's going to pick me up and I'll get to hug him. It'll be super super awesome and I know it'll make me really happy. And we'll go exploring and do something cool at night. I hope I get to the see the stars. We'll get to play soccer and sing. Not at the same time or who knows actually but I doubt it. We'll get to explore Chicago and see the jellyfish at the aquarium. I'll get to see the lake and go on a ferris wheel with him. We get to go to a concert. We get to eat deep dish pizza and blow bubbles. Maybe we'll make smores and use sparklers because I never have before. We can stay up late, make some food, and watch scary movies which he's super scared of. But it's okay cause he can cover his eyes with my shoulder as I laugh at the ridiculousness that is supposed to be a scary movie (even though it will scare me when I'm alone in bed). We can talk about anything. Serious things and silly things and things that make us laugh until our faces hurt. I can look at his face directly and touch his hair if I want. I can just enjoy being in person with him. I get to see the people and places that have shaped him to be who he is. I'm just so excited and despite all the over thinking I may do, I love him to pieces.

Oh Boy Illinois

I'm going to see Ryan in August which was planned but I got my plane tickets like a few days ago. So it's relatively new. Our friendship seems to have recovered, but I'm still confused considering my general feelings of whatever you want to call it haven't dissipated. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited, but I'm going in with a general trip expectation level of 0, with zero being the lowest possible number in this scale. I don't want to get hurt again is all, and I would so much rather put my heart towards God at this point. Not saying I wouldn't like that sort of thing because of all people, he's the only person I want in that category strangely. I just don't want to repeat feeling not good enough. I would like to move on, but there's part of me that wants to hold on. I don't know if it's false hope, a selfish bit, or something else, but geez does it confuse me. Oh yeah...this was supposed to be about the trip. Regardless of that silly stuff, the trip should be fun. Even if everything scheduled goes wrong or whatever, I'll probably still enjoy myself.