Barriers of Indecision

I don't know what I want.
I don't know what I want.
Life tells me to want two things.
I still don't know what I want.
Half of me doesn't agree with the other half.
What am I supposed to want?
Create or save.
I really don't know what I want.
I don't know either halves of me.
The best me would not settle.
It has nothing to do with confidence.
It's fear, but of what.
Even I talk bad about the part of me that wants to settle.
Maybe I'm afraid of myself.
That makes no sense.
That's why I've come to the conclusion that I don't know what I want.
I don't like the journey.
That's why I'm settling.
Being miserable to be happy or being happy to be miserable.
Great.
Now it's obvious, but it's not any less scary.
It's always been obvious.
Lying to yourself only covers for so long.
Everyone sees it in me.
Even I see it in me.
I'm stuck behind the glass and I don't know how to break it.
6th grade me would have shattered this in an instant.

YES

My parents said yes! Ryan is going to visit in May! I'm resisting from typing in all caps so GIFS

EDIT: What he said after talking with him about it today: "You're mine when I get down there." 
And then I was like 

This is probably the only time I will use the word fangirling in my life, but I feel like I'm fangirling pretty hardcore.

"I Am Such A Nerd"

The big glasses that they don't really need, the claiming of loving video games, pretending to know how computers work. The list could go on, but I'm pretty sick of these nerds that seem to have popped up randomly in last 2 years. That picture above is one I made from a post I saw on my Facebook feed. I wanted to comment on her status so bad saying, "oh hey me and my brother have played through tons of video games about a thousand times, but we aren't bragging of our nerdom." I just I can't stand it. None of these kids are actual nerds. It's a stupid social trend where people, especially girls, use it to get brownie points with others. It makes you seem "interesting" I guess.  I may not look like it now, but I have always been a geek. And you know what, IT WASN'T A GOOD THING.

Try being the new kid in school with braces and glasses in 3rd grade. Your only friend is the teacher because no one wants to associate with that kid. That was me.

Make straight A's your entire life and practically spiral into depression when you make a B. That was me.

Actually enjoy school and learning. Science and math are the fun subjects. Totally me.

Try getting beat up at daycare by a group of boys solely due to the fact you had glasses. That kid was me.

Like reading books and I'm not talking about those silly girly teen books about romance. Books with substance. Books for education. Check mark for me.

Actually be blind as a bat and require a special order of contact lens because of your eyes that don't work. Still me with that 20/2000 vision.

Play video games with your brother since you were about 6 and play through them dozens of times because of the awesome stories and game play. Then once in middle school, discover computers and HTML, teach yourself and pretty much abandon most of a social life to play games and learn about computers (when not playing soccer). Oh hey, me again.

Have boys say yes to going to a school dance with you because THEY FEEL SORRY FOR YOU and then not go with you. Why me?

I'm not looking for pity. It made me who I am today and I'm okay with that. But claiming to "be a nerd" when you've never experienced what it's actually like makes me want to slap you. You aren't a nerd unless you've been socially rejected and or isolated for being the way you are. I still love and do the things I do even after people have said cruel things to me. I'm not trying to fit a social trend. I don't do those things to impress or make others happy. I do it for me, and that's what a nerd does.

To be a Man

Since the time change, it has been getting dark really early. Tonight while running, I forgot my phone at home, and I was a little bit paranoid about every car that passed. It's not that I live in a bad neighborhood either. Society has told me to be scared. Statistics have told me to be fearful. This is called sexual terrorism, and I am not a fan of it. "Don't dress a certain way." It's not about what the victim does. It's about the attacker. How about changing that to "Have respect for all humans regardless of gender."
I find it even more interesting that I saw this news story when I got home: http://www.wfaa.com/news/health/A-Second-Chance-178986841.html?c=n&fb=y&can=n

 The title refers the subject of the matter to be about stem cells for the girl attacked. I understand it's to raise money for her treatment, but the bigger issue here is the misogyny that put this girl in this condition. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes as I read, "she was found unconscious with a hair dryer cord around her neck." I'm not one to cry over others, but this really got to me. How could one human do such a thing to another? The answer is hate. But why and how we can change it? Boys need to be taught that abuse of any kind, whether it be physical, psychological, or financial, is not what it takes to be a man. This "tough" and violent behavior is perpetuated by so much in our society, and this story is just one of the many results.

What does it take to be a man? I think to be a man, one must realize that violence against women is a men's issue. Break the barrier. Stop concentrating on the victim. Let's question the abuser.

Live

It's late. I was messing around on the internet and ended up making this somehow. I think my unconscious is trying to tell me something. I need to push myself to be the best I can be.

Derailment

If you've ever tried talking about or explaining a form of discrimination or oppression to someone, you might have encountered one of those arguments that make you want to pull your hair out. I tried explaining misogyny to my ex, and he would sometimes come back with these arguments that wouldn't truly reflect on what I was talking about. This is called derailment which is perfect for stopping a legitimate issue in its tracks. I would often get the "It happens to men too or other people have problems." Yeah, true, but I'm not focusing on that and it sounds like you're taking away the worth of my issue or not being understanding about it.

Here's an awesome link for all types and examples of these derailments
http://www.derailingfordummies.com/menu.html

His would fall under the "Who Wins Gold in the Oppression Olympics?" category. The title of Audre Lorde's  article, "There is No Hierarchy of Oppression," is the answer to this one.

Next time I see a post online or have a discussion about oppression with someone that feels like people make it a bigger deal than it really is, I'm pulling this out to play.

Photo credit: gradientlair.com

Also, but unrelated, this girl is awesome for 13.

Hesitation

My posts have been short lately. Short and sweet and to the point. If I have something to say, I guess I will.

I was hesitant about doing something today, but then I saw this picture. 

It's a question I should honestly ask myself every time I hesitate.  

Who knows what I'm missing. I'd rather it be a hit and miss than nothing happening at all. 

An Unwritten Letter

Exhausted from a long day of school and soccer, I've been sitting here in my room teetering on the edge of sleep. Then, you came to mind and a whole series of thoughts rushed through which will probably be what I fall asleep to.

I want nothing more than your warm arms wrapped around me
Maybe I'd be able to feel your soul as we both drift off into a peaceful sleep
And as the world starts to fade, the last thing I would feel or remember would be you
If I wake up in the night, I wonder if you'd still be there for me to nuzzle into before slipping away once more
It seems so far out of reach but every time the sun dips to touch the ground, I know to wait just another day
Just one more day,
One day.

Derp. That is all. Now I should pass out in my bed. Goodnight world.