Can I Drop Now

I'm exhausted. The dragging thoughts haven't stopped, school is more stressful, and with no one to go to, I've about had my limit. Not only am I drained emotionally where I'm a complete wreck with people I care to have actual conversations with, but this is taking away from everything. I can't exercise without getting upset or just feeling so so tired all over. Being tired you'd think I'd sleep fine, but I either feel like my sleep is restless sleep where I just want to wake up or I don't want to get up at all. I can't concentrate on things as well and my thoughts will often drift off into the not so good area. I want to hide away from everything and everyone, but at the same time I want to just burst out crying about everything to someone, anyone. I don't even want to go to school anymore which is entirely backwards for me. I'm not enjoying what I'm learning which is also backwards. I just want to give up. I want to drop on the floor. I want to drop out of life. I want to drop out of existence. Just for a little bit. Or maybe forever. I don't know. I actually read something that described it well. People don't inherently want to jump out of buildings, but when the building is on fire, the jump looks a lot better than the flames licking your back. Maybe the fire is an illusion but it doesn't feel like one. The crazy side of me wants to do something entirely all too radical but sometimes I really wonder where it would take me. I just want to be done. I don't really care about the end point anymore because it doesn't feel worth it. I want everything to pause, but life doesn't have a pause button. There's only a stop button and once you hit it, there's no play button to push. I don't know if I want to hit stop, but I do want to be done. Maybe that's the same thing. I would like to exit this ride. This things called life is as good as it gets apparently and I'm really not enjoying any aspect of it. I don't even know if I care about having a family anymore because I don't even want to continue anything. Maybe I need to do something crazy. Something that pushes the limits. Wow is that how people get into drugs? I actually have no clue. I'm pretty ignorant on the minds of drug abuse so I can't go making assumptions. Either way, that won't be an option nor a consideration. Yeah I don't know what I'll do.

Edit: I don't know how much longer I can do this.