Nobody Knows

No one knows that I feel perfectly fine with myself. I just feel lost and my brain can't seem to figure it out. Sometimes I get mad at myself and want to tear myself up but I don't. But I don't hate myself. Sometimes I do things wrong and sometimes I'm selfish, but I'm human. I'm okay with me. I'm pretty comfortable as me. It's situations and the place I live that is not okay. Nobody knows that I still feel like I would be better off dead. I wouldn't have to bother people or waste their money. The only thing that would upset them would be me being dead and that would slowly fade. I want to run away and live in the wilderness if I knew how to survive properly out there. Then people wouldn't bother me and I wouldn't bother them. I could just explore and curiously learn about the world around me. And then when I die my body would go back where it belongs. In the dirt, in the trees, in the leaves, the grass, in the animals. In other things. That would make me happy. Nobody knows that I won't harm myself because of pain and scars. People would know then. So I use a red marker and draw lines where the cuts would be and trace my untouchable veins. I pick the skin on my fingers until they bleed sometimes so they're pretty scarred up now but no one notices. I viciously tear at small spots of skin on my arms that are scabs until the dry skin is gone. I used to think if I tried to die I would probably fail, but I realized if you jump from a high enough place, there's no way you'll survive. Then you get to feel the rush of air and adrenaline and probably a sense of freedom right before you die. I thought I'd be afraid to jump so that's why I didn't consider that an option. Now it doesn't sound scary. I don't think death is as bad as this world makes it out to be. Who knows where death leads? Even if it leads nowhere that's okay too. No one knows I hate being a girl sometimes only because of the way guys look at me. It makes me not want to be me. I hate that breasts are sexualized. It makes me so angry and sometimes very self conscious to the point where I don't want them anymore. I don't really want to go through the stages of life. It seems pretty bland after awhile. That's why I sorta want to stop now. But as much as I talk about it, I probably won't do it. It would take way more than I'm aware to make me. It's far too ambitious for me to try. Besides I have to keep going in life to see if I hit that point. I don't understand why attempted suicide is a crime or a sin or a bad thing for that matter. It's my life. It's my choice. Just like it would be my choice to drink a crap ton of alcohol or smoke 3 packs a day. Those are all legal and slowly kill you, but no one finds that to be a mental illness (except for alcoholism). Suicide is saying I've had enough of this crap; I'm out of here. Why does anyone else have the right to stop them? Yes, you're dead. Yes, you're no longer feeling anything or present. But I think that's what people want sometimes. Pain is temporary and so are "problems," but maybe people just want to be done. They've weighed the positives and negatives of life and decided it still wasn't worth it. Maybe I'm crazy for thinking this way and should be calling a doctor, but I'm not. Like I said, I won't kill myself. Not tonight. Not tomorrow. Probably not in a week or a month. Not to mention your family has to pay like a ridiculous death tax and pay for a dumb funeral and a stupid fancy box that they're attempting to preserve you in. Like a loved one just died? There's a fee for that. That's why running away from the world to the wild doesn't sound bad. Cause one, no stupid, overpriced box, and two, people wouldn't be sad that you died since they wouldn't know. You know, I'm pretty sure this whole thing is what they refer to as "glamorizing suicide," but I don't think I'm glamorizing it at all. In fact, I think it's all very blunt and these are my thoughts. There's nothing good about it, but it's weighing which bad thing I would take over the other. I sound crazy because it's controversial to think attempted suicide shouldn't be considered a sin or a crime. Oh well.