Nightmares

I like sleep, but I wish I could just sleep without any dreams or nightmares. You know, the kind where you're practically unaware of what's happening inside and out. My nightmares can be really vivid too. Like down to weather elements and environmental surroundings. But I keep having a reoccurring theme with some of my nightmares. These have been happening for a couple years. Sometimes the person is different but whenever I have a nightmare that feels like I'm going to have things done without my consent, the same person is normally involved. The most terrifying ones involve being sexually assaulted though. It's absolutely horrific. It normally consists of me yelling or crying and fighting to get away, but I never can. Then, of course, the assault happens which leaves me in an emotional, help-seeking mess. I want sleep to be peaceful, not emotionally disturbing and distressful. I want it to go away. I don't want to wake up in tears and be fearful of falling back asleep.

E S or R

Well on my first day off from back to school hell I practically have not been doing so well. I've been printing notes, assignments, organizing, and studying while alternating procrastination on the internet all freaking day. Mostly the studying and procrastinating breaks. But it's not even reviewing material I just learned. It's reading for next week and that wouldn't be a big deal if it wasn't so much. Unfortunately, it's like a couple chapters per class and these are 75 page chapters from a huge textbook. Like who has time for that? I haven't even finished and I still need to study abbreviations this weekend, plus do prelab assignments. How am I even supposed to do anything else regarding regular life? But the thing is I don't even want to do other things, much less studying. I just kinda get upset with where I'm at. All I really want to do eat constantly until I die, sleep endlessly, or run until I collapse. Eat Sleep or Run. Nothing sounds like much fun. The running doesn't even sound fun. It's just something to do to keep me busy until I run out of energy to support myself. What am I even doing? Nursing, really? Really? Making beds, brushing people's teeth, small talk? That's not me. I don't even get to solve the problem for the patient or tell them they need tests to maybe solve the problem. It's basically babysitting ill people. But this is what I've gotten myself into. I'm a junior in college. There's no turning back from this degree now unless I want to be in school until I'm practically 30. Upset? Maybe I'll just eat some more. It's late. Maybe I can sleep. Sleep causes another problem though. I'll make another post about that. Run? It's too late. I'll probably be too freaked out by every passing car to efficiently exhaust myself. I'm going to go write about my sleep problem now.

Here

I don't get my state of mind. Like I don't know what's going on with what I want anymore. I'll recall the past and think of both nice and bad times, but neither make me want to go back. Like yeah that was nice, but part of me doesn't feel like I would enjoy it. Then I look at the future. But I don't really want to teleport there either. The near future is just meh, and I can sort of map where I'll probably be. The far future is all unknown and stuff so it could be good or bad or in between. But I don't want to be there either. Then I think of the present. I don't like the present. I don't really care to be in this time. But I don't really care to go back or forward. So I'm stuck in the present moment which I'm pretty meh about too. So I'm just here. But I don't really care that I'm here. I don't care that I was there or that I will be somewhere. So here I am. Feeling pretty apathetic about the journey that is life. Like I'm passionate about subjects and moments and grades and whatnot, but life in general? I'm feeling like it's kinda not my thing. I'm here and it's not really where I want to be. But I don't want to be there either. So what's my deal? Where do I want to be? Do I even want to be? I don't really know I guess. I feel conflicted yet I don't. It's like how do I know I don't want to be here if I don't know where I want to be? I have that problem when my family wants my opinion picking restaurants to eat at. I know what I don't want but don't really care or know what I do want. And since I don't know what I want, I will continue on the current path. I feel apathetic on the current path so will I continue to? I'm scared the answer might be yes. That makes me want to drop out of life for a little while to take a break and figure things out. Ugh. That's what summer should have been for.

Messages

Okay so this isn't about texting or emails or anything like that. It's about messages or themes you hear. Most of the things I've come to believe don't really stem from my early life. Don't get me wrong, there are tons of things that do come from that and some of them are really really good, like the emphasis on education, but the one's that seem to carry a lot of weight in this season of my life weren't the seeds that planted early on and slowly nurtured into strong trees. For a lot of people and their beliefs, the roots started in their hearts as kids and went on from there. Lately and over a year now, I've realized I'm coming across themes that sometimes sit well with me in the shallow, early stages but sometimes do not. The thing is that, when not cross contaminated, these themes are really important and probably really good to adopt. But it's not like the same message over and over when I see it. It's always different. Different perspectives, intentions, and basis but all with a common meaning or message. Every time I see these messages, not only do I try to understand it, but I try to fit it into the giant puzzle that I have going about this message. But the puzzle is multidimensional unlike an actual puzzle. It's more like a giant web. So every time I add a new piece or try to understand where someone is coming from, not only does it add new information, expanding my web, but it will sometimes rewire it a little. It takes this simple message, easily crammed into a couple cliche words, and gives it so much depth. So unlike the childhood sprouting in my heart to my head concept, I have this idea that starts as a puddle and turns into a never ending ocean with depth I have yet to grasp. It slowly started leaking into my heart and I've realized I want it to flood in. Every time I discover more, this crazy fluid of an idea fills my heart even more.
These messages, man. I'm going crazy. But in a very good way. Anyway, this post was just to reflect on how far certain things have come in my head and also a reminder that it has so much more to go. Plus, what if every seemingly simple idea is that way. Then you could explore things forever and be completely lost in a sea of yours and others thoughts. I only have a couple on my plate and I'm like "whoa man..this is overdrive" I guess that's why people write books and it seems like there's an endless amount of books. You could never read them all or know every perspective. Which is okay but it's probably good to slowly expand your range of perspectives. I like it when people really think about things. It makes life a lot more interesting because I only have a set amount of things my head can come up with. There should be a lifetime student occupation. I could totally do that. I like listening to people. I like people. Even messed up people. We can learn a lot from them. Of course, we're all kinda messed up in our own way. I should stop now. Okay bye.

The Thing

The thing is (ha I'm not defining the "thing" yet, but yeah...ha..) I am maybe possibly wanting to define what I am to you in our relationship, and what you are to me. We use the word relationship as it should be normally used so I can't say, "oh I want a relationship with you," because technically I have a relationship with all the people around me. You don't use the word that way so yeah. I want a thing with you. The me you deal with no other people cutting in. The PB&J, the macaroni&cheese, the thunder to the lightning, the Link&Zelda, salt&pepper, bees to honey...must I go on? I want the holding hands, sweet talks, and slow dances without wondering what the goal is. I like you for you and you like me for me. We communicate thoughts, feelings, and issues clearly, but I can't seem to communicate that I want this thing. If I put a name to it, will I risk sounding selfish? So all I can say is I want a thing with you. But what I want to say is..I want you. Yes, you. All of that dreaminess that is yourself and all the bad that comes with it. But do you know what else I want? I want to be yours. Not yours as in possessive with all the negative, but yours as in I share that side of me with you and only you. Not because you won it or deserve it or are entitled to it. But because I choose to. I would choose to share cute me with cute you if you would want the same, and then we could be super cute together. Then our cuteness would be seen as a shared thing and I guess that's the thing I want with you. Why I complicate things I'll never know.

Coping with My Identity

Throughout my entire life, I have had the hardest time identifying as a girl because my personality seemed to fit under the guy category. Maybe I adopted certain aspects of my personality because I recognized female ones were treated as less valuable than masculine traits. However I developed into my current personality, I've always felt out of place in the female category, but I'm just as out of place in the male category too (since I'm not a boy and all). I've received backlash from both genders for my choice to be very in between. It's led to less girls that I can relate to and enjoy being around, and while trying to equal with the guys I would spend time with, I would still somehow earn myself some form of disrespect from just being a girl or revealing some girl like quality. But the thing is I am a girl. My preferences may not align with the gendered activities that get labeled with my sex but that doesn't mean I don't go through the same kinds of experiences other females go through. My past hurt from what I thought friendship was supposed to be controls my thoughts and behaviors which disables my ability to make new ones with meaning. But that's entirely another topic than what I'm trying to get to. 

I guess what I want to say is though I have struggled with being a female in this culture, I am beginning to see that the challenges brought on by enforced norms is providing me with new tools. Before when I was hateful in my mind toward people as a whole, not only was I policing and chaining myself with the oppression, but I didn't give anyone a chance. I think I was created a woman so that I could learn from the inequalities I experience. It has led me towards a path of compassion and understanding. There's no room for judgement because I too am ignorant of many things, which includes people. I am one and the same as every other person so when I don't give them a chance, I don't give myself a chance. This of course is a theme seen in Christianity and that made me realize something too. Christianity is seen as a conservative institution and can be extremely inflexible, but its original purpose was such a radical movement. I don't know. I just find that to be one of the more interesting ironies in today's institutions.

This post was originally more religious sounding, but I figured I neutralize some of the language a bit. Now it just looks like I can't stay on topic to save my life. 

Leave Me Alone

I hate it when guys think they're being some sort of flirty stud by saying hi to me as I run in the neighborhood at night. As if I'm going to stop my exercise for you when I've been waiting all day for it to cool down. Not to mention it's freaking dark and you're some strange man saying hello. Thanks to sexual terrorism, I have no idea whether or not you're a potential rapist or not so by flirting with the night runner, you have just scared her into paranoia for the rest of her run. After your hi, I became hypersensitive to every car that passed, darted through alleys to avoid parked cars with their lights on, and didn't feeling completely safe until I locked my front door behind me as I gasped for air. Leave women runners alone. We don't run around to look cute for men to hit on us and try to pick us up or whatever the freaking stupid purpose is. We run for ourselves. So keep your mouth shut and leave me alone when I run.

Awake

This is all over the place so have fun trying to keep up. I'm super tired. Oh and it's somewhat religious so if you aren't into that jazz, don't read it.

Lately I've felt like there's been a block, like a large physical square, hindering my spiritual growth. It was like an infinite amount of space was around me, and I could technically go under, around, and over the block if I wanted. But all I could do was concentrate on this block. I know you can't feel things all the time, but I didn't want to just come to a halt. After traveling, I'm exhausted. I don't feel like I've gotten enough sleep in the past 2 weeks. So when I had to wake up early this morning to go to a women's group, I was not feeling it and felt like I could fall over at any point. While I was there, I could barely keep my eyes open, but it wasn't because it was boring. It was in this near comatose state where I feel I was receiving a lot more than normal. Even though I had heard one of the songs played before, it stuck a different note this time. We had a guest speaker whom was originally a Muslim woman living in Iran. She told us her story, and though it wasn't the main point, the word community echoed throughout my head. I realized it's something I crave and need to seek. I've been around people which I thought would do the trick, but I actually have to immerse myself in them. I attended a church in a different state last Sunday and there was a guest speaker there as well that spoke about how powerful it was to have supportive and loving people in his life. For the past couple of months, it's been hinted at and flat out said, but I'm just now hearing it. It's not enough to have an I-It relationship. Buber even mentioned that religious communities have not only an I-You relationship with their god, but with the people around them too. So today near the end of the women's group, we did this thing which is difficult to explain, but during it, the lady that leads it spoke of courage when she placed her hand on my shoulder. And then when it was over, the woman from Iran, who spoke little English, told me that God told her to pray for me. She gave me a hug that I only give to people that I'm really close to. I couldn't understand everything she said but she repeated to me that she loved me, I was young, and that God has work for me to do. When I left, I felt awake. Maybe not so much physically, but I know that I do feel very grateful right now.

More

*giant cliche warning*

I was reading this book about how patriarchy shapes a woman's psychology to just want to be desired. Unfortunately, this correlates directly with looks and being young. The author addressed the difference between wanting to be wanted and wanting to be loved, and recently I guess I didn't recognize the difference. Like people can tell you they love you all day long, but it is nothing compared to being actually loved. Anyway, the author really wanted to empower women to get out of multiple thinking complexes and have them feel confident about their other abilities without feeling overly pushy (since, in simplest terms, women in power are often see as mean and or ugly). I really liked the tales she used to symbolically point out each mental knot women can find themselves trapped in. It's always been slightly touched on by some media that "you're more than your looks" but this book did sorta connected on a deeper level with me. Of course, I never realize this after I finish a book. It always requires another source outside to trigger a connection so I can go from my knowing to understanding to feeling it in my heart. I saw an image that gave a very simplistic form of the idea and I felt it. I'm more than my young age and looks. I have talents and can provide kindness to others and for once that feels really really good. It's difficult to not stress about a rapidly fading youth when media tells you that's the only thing you should want to be. So even though I may be battling those silly societal values in my head while I age, I hope I can hold onto, value, invest, and empower myself in the things that truly make me who I am.