I don't really post a lot anymore. I don't know. I guess I don't have much to say. I wish I had more friends. I wish I had more energy for friends. It takes a lot out of me to interact with people I'm not really close with. It's always so nice to get back home. No one seems to really interest me though and I don't seem to interest them. So I'm stuck in this loop of trying, but no one seems to care enough to reciprocate the efforts back. The most interest I seem to get from people is from guys because they want more than friendship. I'm not around a lot of guys anymore so I don't experience that too often anymore. No complaints there though. I don't know what hit me today, but it feels similar to a wall of apathy. Like my motivation dropped out from under me. It sort of happened when Ryan told me that we should maybe limit our communication more. Which I totally get. But when he said it, I just didn't even have the energy to form a solid opinion. I just gave in and said I'd back off. Just like that. No opposition. No complaining. Just whatever.
You can't answer every why question. I think that will always drive me crazy. I'll always hate it.
I just don't get why God would create creatures to in turn praise him? Like I'll probably be struck with lightning but doesn't that seem egotistical? If you create creatures and let them have their own choice, why is one choice created to be negative. We're bad if we don't love the creator even though we were given the choice? Who says that's bad? The creator? Then why did he even give us the choice? Love isn't love without choice, but no one is entitled to love. You can't be upset when someone doesn't love you when they have the choice to not. If they've lived a crappy life with no sign of hope, they don't have to do anything. Some people I think would rather not have been created. Why is suicide bad? Because we don't like being creatures where we're given choice but one has negative consequences which logically pushes you to do the other so you don't suffer? Suicide is saying I don't want any part of this. It's saying why was I created when I was going to be pushed on way or the other. How is that choice? People rebel because they think their statement is worth the suffering. I personally do not like to suffer. So where do I belong in this mess? I'd like to be "good" but I hate the terms good and evil. It restricts your vision. It doesn't allow you to see the beauty that is the mess of the human race. We are messes. We deal with things the best we can, but we all deal with things so differently that you get an entire palette of colors. It's funny because even through all that color, we're still all people in this giant mess together. And we are going to mess up more things than fix them because with every fix comes the possibility for more mistakes. It's okay though. Messes aren't all that bad. I mean why else would we be left this way? It's not our fault we came to be and were born into this mess. There's gotta be something out there for us. Or so I hope.
The less I understand God, the more I fall in love with people.