Completely waaaay off tone from previous post which is okay. I would love to keep it that way.
I have discovered the best thing ever. It's absolutely a maybe not so new but maybe fashion statement and I hate fashion so you better believe it's not for the public eye. I did not make this up but have discovered its existence. Okay, are you ready?....Big sweatshirt and underwear only. Not only do I feel rebelliously cute with no pants or shirt, but I feel wonderfully comfortable like a hobo too. It's even better when the underwear happens to be boyshort style because I can prance around confidently. I wish I could wear this around the house 100% of the time. Crap if people weren't so freaking offended by girl skin, I'd wear it proudly to get the mail. Ha who am I kidding? If I was dared to do that now, I would hesitate and then probably do it. See it has nothing to do with what I want others to see. Honestly, I would be invisible if I could. It has to do with my comfort and how I want to feel about my body. I don't want people to look at me and think dirty things or think that I'm a slut or think anything. It's not about them. It's about me. If skipping around in a sweatshirt and underwear only makes me feel comfortable, cute, and confident then I have set up my own equation for happiness. I hate pants. More specifically, I hate jeans. They are the worst idea ever and whoever deemed them as casual but more fancy than nice athletic sweats from club soccer needs to play butts up with the women's national team shooting. Burn jeans. Sweatshirts and underwear forever.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
What's Wrong With Me
Reasons why I have wanted to die in the past:
-realizing I have to constantly live through inequalities for myself and others
-feeling stuck in a path in life
-what is the point of anything ever (current, but not suicidal)
Since my trip to the hospital a couple months ago, I've been doing lots of thinking. That's landed me in the world of having an existential crisis. My brain is imploding, tearing itself apart, and becoming a black hole as we speak. I don't know anything. I don't know if I actually exist, what the heck I am other than a weird combination of stardust, and I don't understand anything. I don't know the point of life, earth, the universe, or if there are other universes. Like I'm tiny. So very tiny. I don't know where we came from, if there's a god or how things started and where god came from if there is one. Where in the world did morality come from? So we don't kill off the human race? Being self aware of our eminent doom and existence is the worst thing ever. Is that why religions are created? A self correcting error so that we can deal with the anxiety of existing to further survive and not be stuck in our heads? I don't know. What the heck. There are so many religions. They all have really crazy ideas and stories. Every single one of them has a crazy concept and so does science. But they all have truth in them too which is even more frustrating. I am literally a combination of some particles (atoms, electrons, whatever your heart desires) that are in everything else. But somehow I'm aware that I am those particles and questioning the purpose while other particles are not even aware of themselves and may never be. They just are. If that isn't some crazy crap, I don't know what is. I am so confused. I wish I was a tree. How easy would that be. So during this existential crisis I've been having for about a month or more, I've discovered I have two definite goals that will never dissolve until I no longer exist:
1) Die at some point. I do NOT want to be immortal on this planet as me. Luckily, something tells me I'll achieve this goal. Maybe I'll figure out what comes next or maybe not. Ya know, the whole idea of the soul which I'm still debating.
2) Give my particles to the Earth to be recycled after I die. You know what's actually pretty neat? The stuff I'm made out of not only came from stardust, but it came from other things the stardust created. People, plants, animals. The things that died and became other things that then my mother had to somehow ingest to then form me. Like how crazy is that? I may be part tree or part squirrel. Sweet. So I should give mine back to become something else and eventually, hopefully, part of someone else.
So my goals might not sound fulfilling while I'm alive, but in a way they are. It's a form of hope I suppose. That may sound grim, but like I said I really don't know the point of this living thing we do. It's very confusing. In some aspects, I hope there's a god, but in other ways, I don't want one. The gods talked about scare me because sometimes they are too reflective of humans. Many are contradictory and may be easily deconstructed. Why would a perfect entity get angry? If it's perfect, would there not be an understanding within itself to not make it angry? You see? Humans get angry. Anger is a mixture of fear and pain. A perfect entity that is all powerful would not be fearful. Humans like justice. They want their purpose and others' to be justified and praised or punished. At this point, all I want in my life is to understand and to know I'm not worthless in the grand scheme of things. Whatever that scheme may be if there is one. Great. Square one. And at the same time I'm happy I am able to dig this far in me and yet obviously unsatisfied. Maybe everything ever is supposed to be a giant contradiction to equal itself out. Probably. I don't know. It's 1am. I'm not really sure what I'm saying at this point.
-realizing I have to constantly live through inequalities for myself and others
-feeling stuck in a path in life
-what is the point of anything ever (current, but not suicidal)
Since my trip to the hospital a couple months ago, I've been doing lots of thinking. That's landed me in the world of having an existential crisis. My brain is imploding, tearing itself apart, and becoming a black hole as we speak. I don't know anything. I don't know if I actually exist, what the heck I am other than a weird combination of stardust, and I don't understand anything. I don't know the point of life, earth, the universe, or if there are other universes. Like I'm tiny. So very tiny. I don't know where we came from, if there's a god or how things started and where god came from if there is one. Where in the world did morality come from? So we don't kill off the human race? Being self aware of our eminent doom and existence is the worst thing ever. Is that why religions are created? A self correcting error so that we can deal with the anxiety of existing to further survive and not be stuck in our heads? I don't know. What the heck. There are so many religions. They all have really crazy ideas and stories. Every single one of them has a crazy concept and so does science. But they all have truth in them too which is even more frustrating. I am literally a combination of some particles (atoms, electrons, whatever your heart desires) that are in everything else. But somehow I'm aware that I am those particles and questioning the purpose while other particles are not even aware of themselves and may never be. They just are. If that isn't some crazy crap, I don't know what is. I am so confused. I wish I was a tree. How easy would that be. So during this existential crisis I've been having for about a month or more, I've discovered I have two definite goals that will never dissolve until I no longer exist:
1) Die at some point. I do NOT want to be immortal on this planet as me. Luckily, something tells me I'll achieve this goal. Maybe I'll figure out what comes next or maybe not. Ya know, the whole idea of the soul which I'm still debating.
2) Give my particles to the Earth to be recycled after I die. You know what's actually pretty neat? The stuff I'm made out of not only came from stardust, but it came from other things the stardust created. People, plants, animals. The things that died and became other things that then my mother had to somehow ingest to then form me. Like how crazy is that? I may be part tree or part squirrel. Sweet. So I should give mine back to become something else and eventually, hopefully, part of someone else.
So my goals might not sound fulfilling while I'm alive, but in a way they are. It's a form of hope I suppose. That may sound grim, but like I said I really don't know the point of this living thing we do. It's very confusing. In some aspects, I hope there's a god, but in other ways, I don't want one. The gods talked about scare me because sometimes they are too reflective of humans. Many are contradictory and may be easily deconstructed. Why would a perfect entity get angry? If it's perfect, would there not be an understanding within itself to not make it angry? You see? Humans get angry. Anger is a mixture of fear and pain. A perfect entity that is all powerful would not be fearful. Humans like justice. They want their purpose and others' to be justified and praised or punished. At this point, all I want in my life is to understand and to know I'm not worthless in the grand scheme of things. Whatever that scheme may be if there is one. Great. Square one. And at the same time I'm happy I am able to dig this far in me and yet obviously unsatisfied. Maybe everything ever is supposed to be a giant contradiction to equal itself out. Probably. I don't know. It's 1am. I'm not really sure what I'm saying at this point.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Why Religion Sucks
Religion is a touchy subject, and people get really offended when you start bad-mouthing theirs. But in all honesty, there's room for criticism. If you aren't questioning things and getting angry at things in a religion, something tells me you might be doing it wrong. Now this is all from a perspective of a girl who didn't grow up in a religious household but has sought spirituality on her own. I didn't have a church, a community, or people telling me what the truth was all the time. I had to figure it out on my own. I had to read tons of materials because the Bible alone is hard to understand in this day and age. I had to try religion on as if I were shopping for clothes (which I hate). But what really gets me is when people BRAG about how "good" they've been in their lives. They've followed this rule or didn't do this like everyone else, and somehow that makes them better, more pious, holier than thou, and whatever else. Like congratulations do you want a medal for being obedient? Obedience isn't that difficult when things are put as black and white. Sorry, but you really need to be humble. If your god died for the sins of others, doesn't that put them on the same level as you? These rules set up a hierarchy in people's minds that they are above others because they haven't done certain "bad" things. Hierarchies are not good. They cause inequalities and oppression. I am no better than a murderer. Why? Because I didn't grow up with that person's brain, genetics, environment, and life experiences. And they didn't grow up with mine. Switch it around and we would have done the same thing. That's why people who flaunt their obedience get about 0% of my praise. In Christianity, Jesus' death made every single human's worth the same. Doing good things doesn't put you on a pedestal in my book if you have always been doing "right". People deserve praise when they grow and change from doing destructive things to productive things. Growth deserves praise because obedience from the start is just stagnant water. Change is hard.
Real talk on why I'm ranting. It always kills me inside because people think staying "pure" is some crazy thing that should be applauded and put above people who aren't pure. Like if that isn't some bullshit, I don't know what is. Pure is "clean"; clean is good. Impure is "dirty"; dirty is bad. Hello hierarchy. Pure people think they deserve other pure people. Give me a break. That's like saying rich people deserve more money. You see the problem? I admit I used to look down on girls who gave this concept of virginity away before marriage. I even looked down on myself and beat myself up over it for years after I did the same. But I am no less than someone who hasn't had sex. In all honesty, sex before marriage is a personal preference as is religion, political party, and your favorite color. I discovered more about myself and what I believe sex should mean to me personally after I beat myself up. I regret doing what I did because of the pain it brought. But I also don't regret it one little bit because it brought me here with this new understanding. I've decided it's not just a physical interaction. It's so much more than that to me, and now that I know that, I don't want to give it to any person I just date. I'm not mature enough for my definition of sex, and I don't know when I will be. I just know that I plan on saving the new meaning of it with my spouse and not actively using my old definition of it ever again. It doesn't really matter to me whether the person I marry has had sex or not in the past because that was the past. What matters is what they know and believe about it if they make that commitment to me. I won't marry someone who's view on sex is completely backwards from mine, simply because we won't mesh. Make sense? If someone wants to have sex all the time and share that with lots of people, that is their choice. Not yours. Their choice is theirs and you don't have to marry it. I am so done with judgmental people on this topic. I didn't even get into how this applies to couples that are homosexual or trans. That's almost an entirely different rant. Screw hierarchies. Get off your high horse. We are all just as good and bad as the other.
Real talk on why I'm ranting. It always kills me inside because people think staying "pure" is some crazy thing that should be applauded and put above people who aren't pure. Like if that isn't some bullshit, I don't know what is. Pure is "clean"; clean is good. Impure is "dirty"; dirty is bad. Hello hierarchy. Pure people think they deserve other pure people. Give me a break. That's like saying rich people deserve more money. You see the problem? I admit I used to look down on girls who gave this concept of virginity away before marriage. I even looked down on myself and beat myself up over it for years after I did the same. But I am no less than someone who hasn't had sex. In all honesty, sex before marriage is a personal preference as is religion, political party, and your favorite color. I discovered more about myself and what I believe sex should mean to me personally after I beat myself up. I regret doing what I did because of the pain it brought. But I also don't regret it one little bit because it brought me here with this new understanding. I've decided it's not just a physical interaction. It's so much more than that to me, and now that I know that, I don't want to give it to any person I just date. I'm not mature enough for my definition of sex, and I don't know when I will be. I just know that I plan on saving the new meaning of it with my spouse and not actively using my old definition of it ever again. It doesn't really matter to me whether the person I marry has had sex or not in the past because that was the past. What matters is what they know and believe about it if they make that commitment to me. I won't marry someone who's view on sex is completely backwards from mine, simply because we won't mesh. Make sense? If someone wants to have sex all the time and share that with lots of people, that is their choice. Not yours. Their choice is theirs and you don't have to marry it. I am so done with judgmental people on this topic. I didn't even get into how this applies to couples that are homosexual or trans. That's almost an entirely different rant. Screw hierarchies. Get off your high horse. We are all just as good and bad as the other.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Transparent
I'm still doing good. No bad thoughts. This isn't a negative feelings post. It's going to sound bad at first but I swear it's not.
It would be so easy to watch me bleed
You wouldn't even have to know where to cut
My veins practically glow through my skin
You can see them in my fingers, hands, arms and extending into my torso
The translucent skin on my untouched midsection reveals how the traffic flows
In the highways of my life
If you look closely you can see it through my legs and onto my feet
I'm just an extensive map that could be traced with a pen
My gallery of freckles being towns all around
My scars representing battlegrounds that were mended but not forgotten
My stretch marks being mountains formed by earthquakes of expansion
The hairs like trees
I am alive like the world around me
My skin is transparent enough to see the life within
It's as if I am my own unique map
And there are millions of maps that could be explored
But someone will be perpetually fascinated with yours.
It would be so easy to watch me bleed
You wouldn't even have to know where to cut
My veins practically glow through my skin
You can see them in my fingers, hands, arms and extending into my torso
The translucent skin on my untouched midsection reveals how the traffic flows
In the highways of my life
If you look closely you can see it through my legs and onto my feet
I'm just an extensive map that could be traced with a pen
My gallery of freckles being towns all around
My scars representing battlegrounds that were mended but not forgotten
My stretch marks being mountains formed by earthquakes of expansion
The hairs like trees
I am alive like the world around me
My skin is transparent enough to see the life within
It's as if I am my own unique map
And there are millions of maps that could be explored
But someone will be perpetually fascinated with yours.
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Today
Today is the first day I have felt very normal. Like 100% normal. Not upset. Not questioning my purpose. Not thinking about death. I don't know. I'm happy that I've gone all day without feeling bothered or useless. So in the midst of all the sad posts I've made, here's to the positive because today I feel back to normal. :)
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Life is Weird
Most people just do life. They think about things, but do they really think about life?
I don't get it personally. Faith is something that helps, but I suck at faith and spirituality apparently.
So I question where am I going? What's the point of still going? Why am I going? What happens when I stop going? Is there more out there than this tiny place in the entire universe?
The concept of God is useful I guess, but it's pretty hard to grasp if you aren't letting yourself be spoon fed. Like a being of some sort created all of this and made us. Where did he come from though? How could he just always be there? Maybe a being created all this, evolution and all those crazy scientific theories took place, and the being doesn't interact with the universe now. I believe that's called deism. But then there's all these crazy religions. Tons of them mixed together to form other religions and the world is just full of these mixing pot religions. Like there's this crazy book called the Bible which was written by man, but inspired by the word of God? And I'm supposed to believe that man didn't make a couple mistakes along the way? Through all the interpretations of these stories and letters all crammed together, not one mistake was made? I'm supposed to believe someone who wrote things didn't have bias or perhaps the knowledge of what they were interpreting rules about. Anything you write reflects the culture you live in. That's why literature is so important. It reflects viewpoints in history that can't be put in a textbook. So the people that wrote those books and letters of the Bible were reflecting their culture. Then the interpretations reflect our culture. It's kinda a lot of mess going on because there's a lot of viewpoints being mixed together into this story or rule or lesson. So I kinda want to take the general overview and apply it to my life, but I have a hard time believing so what's the point? Love other people (this implies WAY MORE that people give it credit for; so many books could be written on this alone) and you're allowed to mess up. That's what I get overall. But like I said I have a hard time grasping the reality of the generality that is Earth and us and it's purpose in this whole God thing (and just God in general too). Like if the universe if infinite who's to say there's not another place with living creatures on it. The odds may be slim, but in an infinite setting, more than one is going to pop up. And yeah, cool, humans on Earth are saved; thanks Jesus. But why? What is our role in this universe? Geez I don't even know my role on this planet. Why is this happening? I am literally a tiny floating speck of an electron in this universe. WHAT IS THE POINT. I don't think I'll ever know, and to be honest, that really bothers me. I so desperately seek the truth and it's so hard to believe anything. Curse these advanced frontal lobes we were given. It produces more trouble than it's worth. These ideas are not complex. They're basic, but they are driving me insane. And for some reason I keep going with life. It's all I know how to do. That's why I want to die. I want to know what's on the other side if anything at all. I want to know my purpose. And if there ends up not being one, then oh well. I will have completed my experiment, and maybe my death will do something for someone else. That could be my purpose. Or that when I die, I decompose and then recompose the trees and grass and flowers into the beautiful symphony that they're meant to be. Death is seen as something awful, but it's actually quite beautiful. In death there is life. Death sounds selfish, but it's actually very giving. Yeah wow look at what I'm saying. I can never stay on one topic and we always end up back here. Ironically that's where everyone ends up I suppose. I just want to know what happens next and why.
I don't get it personally. Faith is something that helps, but I suck at faith and spirituality apparently.
So I question where am I going? What's the point of still going? Why am I going? What happens when I stop going? Is there more out there than this tiny place in the entire universe?
The concept of God is useful I guess, but it's pretty hard to grasp if you aren't letting yourself be spoon fed. Like a being of some sort created all of this and made us. Where did he come from though? How could he just always be there? Maybe a being created all this, evolution and all those crazy scientific theories took place, and the being doesn't interact with the universe now. I believe that's called deism. But then there's all these crazy religions. Tons of them mixed together to form other religions and the world is just full of these mixing pot religions. Like there's this crazy book called the Bible which was written by man, but inspired by the word of God? And I'm supposed to believe that man didn't make a couple mistakes along the way? Through all the interpretations of these stories and letters all crammed together, not one mistake was made? I'm supposed to believe someone who wrote things didn't have bias or perhaps the knowledge of what they were interpreting rules about. Anything you write reflects the culture you live in. That's why literature is so important. It reflects viewpoints in history that can't be put in a textbook. So the people that wrote those books and letters of the Bible were reflecting their culture. Then the interpretations reflect our culture. It's kinda a lot of mess going on because there's a lot of viewpoints being mixed together into this story or rule or lesson. So I kinda want to take the general overview and apply it to my life, but I have a hard time believing so what's the point? Love other people (this implies WAY MORE that people give it credit for; so many books could be written on this alone) and you're allowed to mess up. That's what I get overall. But like I said I have a hard time grasping the reality of the generality that is Earth and us and it's purpose in this whole God thing (and just God in general too). Like if the universe if infinite who's to say there's not another place with living creatures on it. The odds may be slim, but in an infinite setting, more than one is going to pop up. And yeah, cool, humans on Earth are saved; thanks Jesus. But why? What is our role in this universe? Geez I don't even know my role on this planet. Why is this happening? I am literally a tiny floating speck of an electron in this universe. WHAT IS THE POINT. I don't think I'll ever know, and to be honest, that really bothers me. I so desperately seek the truth and it's so hard to believe anything. Curse these advanced frontal lobes we were given. It produces more trouble than it's worth. These ideas are not complex. They're basic, but they are driving me insane. And for some reason I keep going with life. It's all I know how to do. That's why I want to die. I want to know what's on the other side if anything at all. I want to know my purpose. And if there ends up not being one, then oh well. I will have completed my experiment, and maybe my death will do something for someone else. That could be my purpose. Or that when I die, I decompose and then recompose the trees and grass and flowers into the beautiful symphony that they're meant to be. Death is seen as something awful, but it's actually quite beautiful. In death there is life. Death sounds selfish, but it's actually very giving. Yeah wow look at what I'm saying. I can never stay on one topic and we always end up back here. Ironically that's where everyone ends up I suppose. I just want to know what happens next and why.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Ugh Priorities
So in my last post I was talking about future children. Well...oh wait this looks like I'm about to announce I'm pregnant or something. HA. Nah man. There's nooooo way. Well the thing is I'm already prioritizing my future family above my future career. Which is all fine and dandy until you realize you don't even know what you want to do, and the thing you kinda want to do is completely unpredictable with that sort of thing. I'm having a difficult time with this. I'm freaking out. I want to give my family everything, but I would be so bored being a stay at home mom. My brain would waste away. But I don't know what my career aspirations are. Plus, I would preferably like to be 27-29 when I have kids, maybe up to 30 or 31, but I don't want to push things. I know you can't have a schedule for that sort of thing and sheesh I'm only 20, but this is really really important to me. Like when life seems rough and I really don't want to go onto the future, the only thing I can look forward to is having a family (which isn't even guaranteed). I'm still very very lost about what I want to do and it's driving me insane. It literally drove me insane two months ago, and I'm still so stressed about it. Writing about my problems never helps. It always makes it worse..great.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Nobody Knows
No one knows that I feel perfectly fine with myself. I just feel lost and my brain can't seem to figure it out. Sometimes I get mad at myself and want to tear myself up but I don't. But I don't hate myself. Sometimes I do things wrong and sometimes I'm selfish, but I'm human. I'm okay with me. I'm pretty comfortable as me. It's situations and the place I live that is not okay. Nobody knows that I still feel like I would be better off dead. I wouldn't have to bother people or waste their money. The only thing that would upset them would be me being dead and that would slowly fade. I want to run away and live in the wilderness if I knew how to survive properly out there. Then people wouldn't bother me and I wouldn't bother them. I could just explore and curiously learn about the world around me. And then when I die my body would go back where it belongs. In the dirt, in the trees, in the leaves, the grass, in the animals. In other things. That would make me happy. Nobody knows that I won't harm myself because of pain and scars. People would know then. So I use a red marker and draw lines where the cuts would be and trace my untouchable veins. I pick the skin on my fingers until they bleed sometimes so they're pretty scarred up now but no one notices. I viciously tear at small spots of skin on my arms that are scabs until the dry skin is gone. I used to think if I tried to die I would probably fail, but I realized if you jump from a high enough place, there's no way you'll survive. Then you get to feel the rush of air and adrenaline and probably a sense of freedom right before you die. I thought I'd be afraid to jump so that's why I didn't consider that an option. Now it doesn't sound scary. I don't think death is as bad as this world makes it out to be. Who knows where death leads? Even if it leads nowhere that's okay too. No one knows I hate being a girl sometimes only because of the way guys look at me. It makes me not want to be me. I hate that breasts are sexualized. It makes me so angry and sometimes very self conscious to the point where I don't want them anymore. I don't really want to go through the stages of life. It seems pretty bland after awhile. That's why I sorta want to stop now. But as much as I talk about it, I probably won't do it. It would take way more than I'm aware to make me. It's far too ambitious for me to try. Besides I have to keep going in life to see if I hit that point. I don't understand why attempted suicide is a crime or a sin or a bad thing for that matter. It's my life. It's my choice. Just like it would be my choice to drink a crap ton of alcohol or smoke 3 packs a day. Those are all legal and slowly kill you, but no one finds that to be a mental illness (except for alcoholism). Suicide is saying I've had enough of this crap; I'm out of here. Why does anyone else have the right to stop them? Yes, you're dead. Yes, you're no longer feeling anything or present. But I think that's what people want sometimes. Pain is temporary and so are "problems," but maybe people just want to be done. They've weighed the positives and negatives of life and decided it still wasn't worth it. Maybe I'm crazy for thinking this way and should be calling a doctor, but I'm not. Like I said, I won't kill myself. Not tonight. Not tomorrow. Probably not in a week or a month. Not to mention your family has to pay like a ridiculous death tax and pay for a dumb funeral and a stupid fancy box that they're attempting to preserve you in. Like a loved one just died? There's a fee for that. That's why running away from the world to the wild doesn't sound bad. Cause one, no stupid, overpriced box, and two, people wouldn't be sad that you died since they wouldn't know. You know, I'm pretty sure this whole thing is what they refer to as "glamorizing suicide," but I don't think I'm glamorizing it at all. In fact, I think it's all very blunt and these are my thoughts. There's nothing good about it, but it's weighing which bad thing I would take over the other. I sound crazy because it's controversial to think attempted suicide shouldn't be considered a sin or a crime. Oh well.
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