That Girl

There's this girl that my brother talks to on Facebook. He doesn't know her, but she has a page where she posts funny things. She's my age. Problem is, she posts pictures of herself fishing for compliments and sometimes she'll even insult herself. Then she happily accepts comments like, "I'd bang," and other degrading things. It's disgusting, and it makes me so upset. I don't know her, but I just want to tell her she's not pieces. She's one person and doesn't deserve to be treated like an item. Her insecurities have pushed her to this, but she needs someone close to her to tell her how beautiful of a person she is inside and that it shines through to the outside. She deserves better than those revolting comments, and I wish I could tell her she shouldn't act like she likes it when people treat her like a sex object. It's not going to make her any happier, and she isn't going to feel any prettier. She's more than a number on a scale of 1-10, and she can't even see that. God. She's a gorgeous human being that needs secure love in her life. Not romantic love. Actual love.
I just want her to know, but I am watching as a stranger behind the glass. I care about her. I've never spoken to her, but I want her to bloom and become something more than what she sees herself as.

Saved by the Backup

I had a back up plan in case the boycott gift thing didn't go as hoped.
Unfortunately, both Ryan and I were on the same train of thoughts on gifts.
Like my gift is essentially a version of his. It looks bad since I'm sending mine later too.
Oh whatever. It's not like I copied. I had most of it already made, and I just modified a suggestion from my mother. So yeah...hopefully it doesn't look like I'm a retard.
Oh goodness.
Also, we had a white Christmas in Texas. Freaking crazy stuff right there.

And this was just the first bit of snow

Freaking Out

He sent me a gift (facepalming at my last post decision)!

HIS SWEATSHIRT. AND HE WROTE ME A SONG. I'm freaking out.
There are no words to describe this emotion. NONE.
I can't. I just.

I can't deal with it.
Trying to type my feels but I'm speechless and smiling like a fool. 

Gift or No Gift

The holidays suck.
Yup. That's right.
Call me Scrooge. I don't even care.
People decide this is the one time of the year they should be kind.
Now I'll think of the homeless.
Now I'll get my friend a gift.
Now I'll be religious.
Some is better than none? Whatever. They feel obligated.
A lot bothers me, but I'm having trouble with one in particular.

Gifts.
First off, this isn't a money complaining issue, but since I'm already on the topic, I'm a poor college student. I don't have enough freaking money to spend on people. Now that that's out of the way...
My problem is I don't know what to get people.
I don't like buying gift cards or all the cliche "I don't really know this person" gifts.
When I'm taking the time to be kind by giving, I go all out.
This ranges from making things from scratch, fitting inside jokes into things, photoshop, buying something hard to find, or dropping a couple paychecks for one person.
I can't go all out for everyone at once. It's just impossible.
I don't have the time, and I sure as hell don't have the money.
"Well then why don't you..." No.
No.
I don't half-ass kindness.
If my love is going into something, that person is going to know it.
Problem is that obligation thing comes back when dealing with gifts.
They get me something, but I don't get them anything.
I hate it.
I don't know if they expect something in return or if they just want me to have whatever it is.
I'm not greedy.
Gifts become projects.
I can't do 10 projects at once.
My brain would explode.
So this year, I'm not getting anyone anything.
Bought my brother a game after his breakup and told him it was an early Christmas thing.
That one doesn't count.
Aaaaaand I feel like a bad person for not getting gifts.
Obligation strikes again.
If I get someone a gift, it will be on my own time, when I want because I'm making and or buying it.
So I'm throwing those stupid obligations in the trash.
Deal with it. 

Jesus' stamp of approval to my new movement

This Whole Week

I've been feeling a little under the weather.

Just kidding!
I'm miserable.
My finger nails have been purple from the level of cold I'm experiencing.
Took my nursing exam. To the world, I did great. I think I could have done better.
I'm going to go curl up, try to get warm, and if I achieve this warmth I so desire, die peacefully.

I've Decided

You say you're worried
The future haunts me too
But not this time
I've decided
Do you wanna know why
Call me crazy
Headfirst heart first
Oh what's the difference
And I, I don't wanna let this chance
Get away

How do you feel when you look at me
Remember all the songs you sing
When you daydream
Strumming guitar strings
Ask yourself if it's worth it
You can take this risk or you can quit
And I've decided
I want you with me

And I, I wanna see your face
I wanna look in your eyes
I wanna tell you tonight
I wanna tell you that
I, I need you to know
No matter where you go
I'll be here if you need me

Yeah I've decided
Whatever happens
I'll be alright
Will you be alright

I've decided
To tell you the truth
I don't see this going anywhere
Anywhere but
Up up up
Up up up

You Haven't Changed

To Alex
Take this as you would from a friend since that's precisely what we are. That silly boy I thought had grown up or that you had told me had grown up isn't gone. I was like the inducer  for your repressible operon in molecular genetics. Once I left, there was no need to repress that so you reverted right back to what you were. It makes me wonder if you had ever changed at all or if you were just hiding it this whole time. Not that it should hurt me, but I guess this means it's still a cut and not a scar yet. I know I wasn't just an object even if it felt like it sometimes, but it makes me curious if I started that way. Must be why things are the way they are today. This isn't something you grow out of. My father is a prime example of that. This is something you open your eyes to and make the change to better yourself as a human being. There goes one more guy I can add to list that will never see me as an equal. I was not a prize that you won and neither is any other girl on this planet. I can't change you. You have to change you.

Unexpected

Thoughts I don't plan on telling the person this is directed to

Last night, you took me by surprise. It wasn't anything new. I just wasn't expecting it.
There was a slight pause in the conversation, but I was so anxious to eat for soccer, I barely noticed. It happened, and I didn't take the breath of air one takes during a pause.
You slowly looked up at me with those warm brown eyes, and with a small, simple smile, you said, "I love you, Carly." And just like that I noticed it all. My world sort of froze for a second, and I sat there. Shocked isn't the right word. Neither is stunned. It was unexpected is all.
I realized I was holding up time trying to take that moment in, and said it back. I meant it, but I wish I could go back and put all the emotion caused by your words that I felt behind it. I think I was smiling, but I can't really remember. All I remember is your face and your voice.
The moment was simple. It wasn't forced. It was happy. It was unexpected. It was perfect.
That's why I sat there in silence for a while. I was grateful in the moment, and if it hadn't been for the time crunch on both our ends, you would have known all this in that same moment.



I've come to the conclusion that my soft side comes out in internet form while the sporty girl I believe myself to be is what I wear on a regular basis in real life. So in other words, deal with the sap. And I type this to reinforce this with myself.

Wherever You Go

Roads and rivers and hilltops and trees
The landscape between us
How many miles, how many feet
Time loses meaning with you around
I'm lost in the sand
Yet I'm counting the ground
From your feet to mine
To find where we stand
My head can escape
But my heart never flees
It covers the distance
Measurement is gone with the breeze
Wherever you go, every tik is the same
From Maui to Maine, I'll love you anyway.




Last post was not a poem. My brain was processing in short fragments and I had to get rid of it.
Yup derp derp derp. Oh who woulda thought I'd be writing silly things like this...I'm the kind of girl that secretly wants to punch people out during soccer games. Not the "let's write about our feelings" kind.

Barriers of Indecision

I don't know what I want.
I don't know what I want.
Life tells me to want two things.
I still don't know what I want.
Half of me doesn't agree with the other half.
What am I supposed to want?
Create or save.
I really don't know what I want.
I don't know either halves of me.
The best me would not settle.
It has nothing to do with confidence.
It's fear, but of what.
Even I talk bad about the part of me that wants to settle.
Maybe I'm afraid of myself.
That makes no sense.
That's why I've come to the conclusion that I don't know what I want.
I don't like the journey.
That's why I'm settling.
Being miserable to be happy or being happy to be miserable.
Great.
Now it's obvious, but it's not any less scary.
It's always been obvious.
Lying to yourself only covers for so long.
Everyone sees it in me.
Even I see it in me.
I'm stuck behind the glass and I don't know how to break it.
6th grade me would have shattered this in an instant.

YES

My parents said yes! Ryan is going to visit in May! I'm resisting from typing in all caps so GIFS

EDIT: What he said after talking with him about it today: "You're mine when I get down there." 
And then I was like 

This is probably the only time I will use the word fangirling in my life, but I feel like I'm fangirling pretty hardcore.

"I Am Such A Nerd"

The big glasses that they don't really need, the claiming of loving video games, pretending to know how computers work. The list could go on, but I'm pretty sick of these nerds that seem to have popped up randomly in last 2 years. That picture above is one I made from a post I saw on my Facebook feed. I wanted to comment on her status so bad saying, "oh hey me and my brother have played through tons of video games about a thousand times, but we aren't bragging of our nerdom." I just I can't stand it. None of these kids are actual nerds. It's a stupid social trend where people, especially girls, use it to get brownie points with others. It makes you seem "interesting" I guess.  I may not look like it now, but I have always been a geek. And you know what, IT WASN'T A GOOD THING.

Try being the new kid in school with braces and glasses in 3rd grade. Your only friend is the teacher because no one wants to associate with that kid. That was me.

Make straight A's your entire life and practically spiral into depression when you make a B. That was me.

Actually enjoy school and learning. Science and math are the fun subjects. Totally me.

Try getting beat up at daycare by a group of boys solely due to the fact you had glasses. That kid was me.

Like reading books and I'm not talking about those silly girly teen books about romance. Books with substance. Books for education. Check mark for me.

Actually be blind as a bat and require a special order of contact lens because of your eyes that don't work. Still me with that 20/2000 vision.

Play video games with your brother since you were about 6 and play through them dozens of times because of the awesome stories and game play. Then once in middle school, discover computers and HTML, teach yourself and pretty much abandon most of a social life to play games and learn about computers (when not playing soccer). Oh hey, me again.

Have boys say yes to going to a school dance with you because THEY FEEL SORRY FOR YOU and then not go with you. Why me?

I'm not looking for pity. It made me who I am today and I'm okay with that. But claiming to "be a nerd" when you've never experienced what it's actually like makes me want to slap you. You aren't a nerd unless you've been socially rejected and or isolated for being the way you are. I still love and do the things I do even after people have said cruel things to me. I'm not trying to fit a social trend. I don't do those things to impress or make others happy. I do it for me, and that's what a nerd does.

To be a Man

Since the time change, it has been getting dark really early. Tonight while running, I forgot my phone at home, and I was a little bit paranoid about every car that passed. It's not that I live in a bad neighborhood either. Society has told me to be scared. Statistics have told me to be fearful. This is called sexual terrorism, and I am not a fan of it. "Don't dress a certain way." It's not about what the victim does. It's about the attacker. How about changing that to "Have respect for all humans regardless of gender."
I find it even more interesting that I saw this news story when I got home: http://www.wfaa.com/news/health/A-Second-Chance-178986841.html?c=n&fb=y&can=n

 The title refers the subject of the matter to be about stem cells for the girl attacked. I understand it's to raise money for her treatment, but the bigger issue here is the misogyny that put this girl in this condition. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes as I read, "she was found unconscious with a hair dryer cord around her neck." I'm not one to cry over others, but this really got to me. How could one human do such a thing to another? The answer is hate. But why and how we can change it? Boys need to be taught that abuse of any kind, whether it be physical, psychological, or financial, is not what it takes to be a man. This "tough" and violent behavior is perpetuated by so much in our society, and this story is just one of the many results.

What does it take to be a man? I think to be a man, one must realize that violence against women is a men's issue. Break the barrier. Stop concentrating on the victim. Let's question the abuser.

Live

It's late. I was messing around on the internet and ended up making this somehow. I think my unconscious is trying to tell me something. I need to push myself to be the best I can be.

Derailment

If you've ever tried talking about or explaining a form of discrimination or oppression to someone, you might have encountered one of those arguments that make you want to pull your hair out. I tried explaining misogyny to my ex, and he would sometimes come back with these arguments that wouldn't truly reflect on what I was talking about. This is called derailment which is perfect for stopping a legitimate issue in its tracks. I would often get the "It happens to men too or other people have problems." Yeah, true, but I'm not focusing on that and it sounds like you're taking away the worth of my issue or not being understanding about it.

Here's an awesome link for all types and examples of these derailments
http://www.derailingfordummies.com/menu.html

His would fall under the "Who Wins Gold in the Oppression Olympics?" category. The title of Audre Lorde's  article, "There is No Hierarchy of Oppression," is the answer to this one.

Next time I see a post online or have a discussion about oppression with someone that feels like people make it a bigger deal than it really is, I'm pulling this out to play.

Photo credit: gradientlair.com

Also, but unrelated, this girl is awesome for 13.

Hesitation

My posts have been short lately. Short and sweet and to the point. If I have something to say, I guess I will.

I was hesitant about doing something today, but then I saw this picture. 

It's a question I should honestly ask myself every time I hesitate.  

Who knows what I'm missing. I'd rather it be a hit and miss than nothing happening at all. 

An Unwritten Letter

Exhausted from a long day of school and soccer, I've been sitting here in my room teetering on the edge of sleep. Then, you came to mind and a whole series of thoughts rushed through which will probably be what I fall asleep to.

I want nothing more than your warm arms wrapped around me
Maybe I'd be able to feel your soul as we both drift off into a peaceful sleep
And as the world starts to fade, the last thing I would feel or remember would be you
If I wake up in the night, I wonder if you'd still be there for me to nuzzle into before slipping away once more
It seems so far out of reach but every time the sun dips to touch the ground, I know to wait just another day
Just one more day,
One day.

Derp. That is all. Now I should pass out in my bed. Goodnight world.

My First Love

My first love was soccer. Sorry to bore it up, but I JOINED AN OUTDOOR TEAM. 

I might even start this Thursday. I AM BEYOND PSYCHED. 

Texas Cutting Funds From Planned Parenthood

I had heard about this issue in my Texas government class, but now it's actually happening. http://www.wfaa.com/news/local/175871241.html
"State lawmakers cut off funding for Planned Parenthood, the largest health care provider in the Texas Women's Health Program."
WHAT THE HECK TEXAS? You know what the worst part is? SO MANY PEOPLE ARE SUPPORTING THIS. 

One of many. Might I point out a WOMAN posted this.

Let me clarify something. Less than 5% of Planned Parenthood's funds go toward abortions and the state itself is not allowed to fund it. So guess what, the cuts aren't going towards abortions ding-dong. It's going towards important things like contraception. I don't know about you, but stating contraceptives have nothing to do with healthcare is probably the STUPIDEST thing I have heard. Because having children has nothing to do with your health. No of course not. It has nothing to do with anatomy, physiology, and pediatrics. 

I think women should have the choice on whether they want to have children or not. The woman should have control over her own body, and they can make whatever decisions they want based on their beliefs. No one else should be able to make that decision for them. This is an extreme, but I think if she understood the concept of rape, she might think differently.
Also, she must not have a clue what Planned Parenthood does.
" Planned Parenthood affiliate health centers provide health care including routine gynecological exams, breast and cervical cancer screenings, contraceptive services, abortion care, sexually transmitted infection testing and treatment, and HIV testing and education to nearly three million women, men, and adolescents."

On the topic of STD's, Texas is number one in gonorrhea. This year an average of 600 cases a week are being reported. Key words being reported, because so many go unreported. Also, 50% of women don't show symptoms. Awesome right?! Not that it matters anyway, considering gonorrhea is slowly but surely going to become untreatable due to the high resistance of drugs. Let's not help these people while we can according to this woman. I just want to throw books at these people until they pick one up and read it. Make the ignorance stop! Please. It's killing me slowly and painfully.

Texas, you're an awesome place to live. It's warm for the most part and people are friendly. But goodness, these people need to become educated. So many people here give religion a bad reputation, and they don't even question their morals or thought processes. 

I just...I can't. Like I don't understand why this bothers me so much. It's not directly affecting me, but all of those people depend on it. That poor teenage girl who can't talk to her uber conservative, religious parents will no longer have anywhere to turn. That woman in poverty who already has three kids might have to worry about another mouth to feed. Go ahead and talk about abstinence all day long. The reality is that it's an unrealistic goal to set for society. Not everyone is going to do it, just like not everyone is going to make all A's in school. I get sarcastic about it when I'm angry, but honestly, I'm deeply disturbed by the decision made. 

A Good Day

I post complaints and rants a bit, but my day today was fantastic. So it deserves a post.
I was studying on the train when a guy sitting in the seat adjacent to mine started up a conversation, and at first I was like, "Why is he talking to me?" I ended up actually really enjoying the conversation and it gave my day a pleasant start. Then my first class, Women's Studies, was only 20 minutes long. Heck yes. I decided to take that time to schedule an appointment with my adviser and I'm glad I did because I got an appointment before registration starts. That got me thinking about my schedule for next semester and I discovered I might have to take an extra class to consider myself a full time student (I took four classes during the summer and all the nursing courses are offered at a different campus). The classes I'm considering taking at the same time for fun to qualify myself for my current scholarship are kickboxing and scuba diving. UM AWESOME. I've been searching for a fighting style to learn for a little bit, and I've wanted to become scuba certified since I was 16 when my mom did it. Can you say best semester ever? And last but not least, Ryan was having a bad day, and after talking with him for awhile, he's doing so much better. Seeing him happy just..I can't explain what it does. He's a fantastic person.

Nowadays, Unless It's My Brother..

This is me 

Stupid Things the Girl in Texas Government Says

So there's this girl in my Texas government class that is crazy annoying. Everyone has encountered one of these people during their academic career and I've discovered for some reason the college classes are worse when the number of students is around 140. It like increases the likelihood you'll have a loud retard in your class. These kind of people have an opinion about EVERYTHING. Even when they don't understand the topic. No, wait, ESPECIALLY when they don't understand the topic. They feel the need to comment on everything said. Even if it's not a discussion, they speak up. "There's no such thing as a stupid question." I beg to differ. Oh and  this girl smiles every time she interrupts the already slow progression of the class so I've taken the time to write down the stupid crap she says along with my notes. Onto quotes she has specifically said..

Now I first noticed how priceless some of these moments were after one day of talking about the controversial topic of abortion. Our teacher is off topic 50% of the time, but this time he was actually relating it to the Texas legislature cutting Planned Parenthood funds. Everyone but this girl agreed that it was a bad idea. In case you don't know, Texas is ranked number 3 in the nation for teen pregnancies. The reason why? The legislature has the same mentality this girl has. And I quote, "Well the simple solution is abstinence. Abstinence works. It works for me." And as she saying this, she turns in her seat to the whole class as if her morals are superior and we should follow her example. Now I don't think abstinence is a bad thing, I actually think it's awesome if you have that level self control, but who does this girl think she is? The way she said it just...the class erupted with noise and counterarguments immediately. It made me laugh.

Some of her other notable quotes:
"What if the candidate punches a baby?" Remember that thing about stupid questions? Well here's an example.

"Then I'm just stupid." Admitting it and then continuing to talk...sigh

The teacher asked the class what a tort was. Her response (of course she's the first to have an answer) "A short way to say tortoise?" HA. You are SO funny. Please quit college and become a comedian. Seriously. Please quit the class.

Talking about people who are trained in some form of fighting (once again not related to Texas gov) "You have to register your body as a deadly weapon."

And then today in class..."I don't have much of an opinion about it but.." and she continued to talk about her opinion that wasn't even present. Like she said after that she didn't really understand, but decided to tell everyone about her opinion on it anyway. She also includes personal stories and you know we all care so much. That's why we paid to take this class. To learn about her life.

Our class photo while she speaks. That's me in the center.

Taylor Swift? No thank you.

I never understood why all the girls seemed to love Taylor Swift in high school. There was always something about her I didn't really like. I've seen on the internet I'm not alone. 

Reasons why I don't like Taylor Swift (not that it matters. she still makes a crap ton of money.):

• "Swift employs slut-shaming in a great deal of her songs. "
• "she embodies the virginal best friend who suddenly takes off her glasses and attracts the love of her male best friend who finds it acceptable to just dump his current girlfriend in the middle of prom. "
• "She cannot sing live."
• " Everything is about princesses and crying in the rain and boys"

Seriously, these things are not good for adult relationships. Let's not challenge the stereotypes at all. In fact, let's reinforce them and then present all of this to children because it's "innocent."

Gag. 

"Hey whatcha doing with a girl like that?" Um whatever the hell he wants because he gets to decide who he dates and you have no right to judge his choices solely because it conflicts with your personal desires. That's plain ol' selfish. The other girl's feelings aren't even considered. She's practically dehumanized by Swift because she wears short skirts (Probably because she's cheer captain. Have you see those uniforms?) and high heels. 

Yes. It's just a song. Little girls look up to this though. Stealing boyfriends isn't okay. That's awesome that her song has values that our society deems as praiseworthy, but the people that don't fully believe in such shouldn't be victimized. 

Lastly, why does everything have to be about boys. THERE ARE OTHER THINGS IN LIFE WORTHY OF SINGING ABOUT. 

quotes in bullet points from: http://seekingtomorrow.tumblr.com/post/33351818317/taylor-swift-isnt-all-shes-cracked-up-to-be I don't agree with everything in this article.

Soccer Girl Problems: Injuries

So I've been planning on quitting my indoor team for quite some time because well...they suck. I can't play with beginners. It's not a challenge and my teammates don't try. Last week an outdoor team offered me a spot and I was ecstatic. Finally something more competitive right? I check them out tomorrow. Problem is..last night during my second indoor game I was changing directions really quickly and I'm pretty sure I pulled something in my foot. It hurt to walk/run and this morning I can't put weight on it. Like WHY does this have to happen to me now?! I already have ankle problems on my right side. I just...my body..it hates me. I think this might have something to do with changing my style of running shoes. The people at the store recommended it for my foot type and now I'm thinking they had no idea what they were doing. I was really looking forward to a new team and now I can barely walk.

Another Day, Another Test

"We've got to live in the real world. If we don't like the world we're living in, change it. And if we can't change it, we change ourselves. We can do something." -Giovanni

Relating to the title, I actually do have an exam tomorrow. I can't seem to bring myself to study and I'm almost indifferent about that. That's not like me at all. 

Edit: The guilt of doing bad finally hit me. Onto studying and good grades I go.

Opening Up My Eyes

I've been raised in a pretty cynical family and you know sometimes that attitude is needed to take on some aspects of life, but right now, at this time in my life, it hasn't been doing it for me. I've been opening up mind to new ideas and perspectives and I've gotta tell you, the world is a beautiful place. I know people and the system of things aren't always where they should be. But if you just look at individual people without judgment or think for a second that it's not internal traits that make a person "bad," they become a genuinely beautiful person. I see the bad things, but I'm done concentrating and nit-picking at those things. Everyone is just a human going through something and you have no clue what they could be dealing with. Their past may have shaped them a certain way to say the things they do or dress/look how they do, but they're still a person that is capable of change. Looking for those positive qualities or just looking at them as a human with a blank slate for possibilities makes each individual so spectacular. It's such a breath of fresh air to finally see people in a brighter light. It gives me the urge to be kind to others even if they aren't going to be kind back. Just to give them a quick smile or let them know humanity isn't always as cruel and unforgiving as we have shaped it to be. Then maybe they'll be more willing to do the same for someone else which may spread to others.

I used to be really angry at the world and people for being the way they are, but now I just want to help. Even if it's only a little bit.

Leap

Just now after making the decision that I did some time ago, I realized how risky of a choice that was. I'm not a risk taker. I never have been because playing it safe meant staying in my comfort zone. For some reason, with you, I responded back. Whenever I thought of anyone that might be of importance, you came to mind and so I came back to you. I don't like giving out personal details about my life to people, but it came naturally with you. Letting you see my face and hear my voice was jump landmark #2 (1 being the initial response). Growing closer to you and deciding to trust you was completely out of character for me. For some reason, it seemed easy. I don't doubt my decision like I do with other people.

You have had nothing but a positive impact on my life so far, and you live 800 miles away. Whatever trust I've put into you or our relationship has been something so new, fresh, and simple. I have no clue where we are headed and I don't know if everything is going to work out. For the first time in my life, I'm okay with that, and I'm not dying to find out. I know it will be alright no matter what. Most would think what we're doing is just a crazy idea with a lot of empty hope, but it's something more. It's teaching me something no book or religion could ever beat into my head. Faith.

Faith is something I've never understood, and it always driven my brain completely nuts trying to understand it. I only associated faith with religion and tried figuring it out through that route. Considering I've never been too religious, that never worked out. I see now that faith isn't religion bound, and it's not something you can logically (or linearly) figure out. A + B ≠ C.

Variable C is something you know. Variable C is jumping off the edge of the building knowing you'll be unharmed no matter the actual outcome. A lot of humans close their eyes when they jump off something initially. Sometimes not knowing every single step of the way is better. If you look during the fall, you'll over think it, try to control it, and very possibly mess it up.

Now I'm not saying this whole effort is a blind jump. I've felt around the edge's corners to see if they were sturdy, and I've looked down below to thoroughly examine where my descent might lead. Knowing I might not land there is part of the decision making process for the jump. Whatever safety net I can somewhat see may not turn out to be safe or might just be gone by the time I get there. I've weighted these factors and made my decision at some point, though I can't remember the exact moment.

So I'm closing my eyes, and choosing to dive off this edge of comfort. The wind might not pull me in your direction, but wherever I land, it's better than being back on that edge wondering what could have been. Besides, the sensation of free falling happily is quite possibly the best part. There's something strangely comforting about it. I believe the saying is follow your heart, and this one time I'm allowing my brain to say back, "Let's give it a go."

"You're already home where you feel loved." - The Head and the Heart

Best Friends that Don't Last Forever

One of the worst things to go through would have to be losing a best friend. Honestly, it flat out sucks beyond belief. The so called "other friends" don't seem to matter when your best friend starts vanishing from your life. Because when you're upset and you want to talk to someone, who do you want to call? Your best friend. Need to rant about something stupid? Best friend. Want to get the hell out of your house? Best friend's house. Want to be stupid with someone and not worry about having to be judged? Best friend. Share amazing experiences that just wouldn't be the same without that person? Does it shock you the answer is still best friend?

Who do I go to now? There's a reason none of my other friends have filled the role of best friend in my life. They haven't made the cut or they haven't cared to try. A lot of self reflection likes to settle in the boring places now which isn't always enjoyable. It's lonely and I don't really feel like hanging out with anyone other than my best friend. When the day has ended, I want to tell my best friend about it. Now I have the blank wall that is the internet to stare at and talk to. Just like a crazy person. Awesome, right? Well this definitely can't be the most unhealthy way of doing it, but it's not much fun, nor does it fill that gap for intimate human interaction. It sucks.

I'll get over it.

Rant, rant, whine, whine, complain. Oh look at the time, I should really be studying.

Bliss

You know those days where you're so happy, you don't have words to describe how awesome you feel? 

This is one of those days.

I Should Have Listened

So I was 17 once (uh duh) and decided to rebel against my parents for a very short period of time. This act of rebellion was dating a 21 year old. Here's the thing though, he wasn't a regular 21 year old. He was about as innocent as a 12 year old girl, and I know this because no one could have kept that act up for that long. I'm going to flat out say it: he was stupid. Intelligence level = 0. He was a really nice person (and he was attractive), but I couldn't stand someone with the intelligence and emotional spectrum of a 10 year old. No, scratch that. I know some pretty smart 10 year olds. Anyway I dumped him and he was crushed. I know because he called me bawling like I ruined his life. Okay I sound really mean, but we didn't date for very long so his deep emotional attachment seemed a bit strange. Two years pass and I wonder how he is. And now we're here...
Let's make a list of things that have changed completely:

• You drink. A lot. And talk about getting "fucked up." I know why you do it. The same reason a 12 year old would - to look cool. Your liver loves you.
• You talk about women like they're not humans or that they owe you something. You expect a romantic relationship with any girl that talks to you or flirts with you. This one bothers me the most. I quote, "There's some great ass in here tonight!" & "If you come to a dancehall and already have a boyfriend PLEASE DONT COME!" Girls aren't pieces of meat. I hope they all reject you for being shallow.
• Your respect for humans in general has decreased tremendously. 
• Remember how you said you hated that country style? That awkward moment when you spend most of your time doing that sort of thing now. Probably for social interaction because of the next point.
• You got kicked out of your own band. The one you started from scratch. Good job. 
• You follow me on twitter. With your current state of maturity and respect, I wouldn't even try to be friendly. 

What I learned: Same idiot, different attitude towards life. He took a turn for the worse. I should have listened to my parents. I wouldn't be writing this if I did. 

I really need to make a positive post. I'm think after Sunday morning I should be feeling pretty good because I get to talk to an awesome person. Gah I'm excited now. 

MFW I think about it

WTF Marriage Crazed Girls

Recently, I've noticed so many girls my age getting engaged. I can name about five off the top of my head, and they are all within a year of my age. Am I missing something? I thought this the time of your time when you figure out who you are and what you want in life. There's no way in hell I would marry anybody on the planet at this point in my life, even if it was the "right guy." We are changing so much at this age. I mean I get that you're "in love" or whatever, but holy mother of god, this is the WORST time to get married. I'm not going to be the same person in 5 years, let alone probably 2 years. The person you are and that you marry at age 19 will not be the same in a very short period of time. I don't know what it is. Is it that they're still in the honeymoon phase of their relationship? Once you exit from that place, it's not all sunshine and daisies anymore.

You know when you were young and you just HAD to have a pet goldfish. Oh my goodness, it's so cute and orange! About a week later you're bored with it, if it hasn't already left you for goldfish heaven which promises of no annoying children tapping the glass. Seriously though, that's what this is like. The hype of marriage gets these girls going like it's some new fashion trend (let it be known that I hate fashion). It's not something you can throw away once you're bored with it. Yeah, you can get a divorce, but the feeling of a failed marriage cannot be a good one. OH but you think it's going to last forever and ever?! Reality check: nothing lasts forever, and the fact that you think this person and yourself are headed in the same direction during these rapidly changing years is just sad.

Yes, some people can do it. What's the statistic on that again? I remember it being pretty damn low. "We're different," is the the stupidest thing I've ever heard. No, you're a human about to make the same mistake as humans in the past have made. History is there for a reason. Anyway even if you do love that person and you think whatever you've got going can last you a lifetime, what's the rush? You have plenty of time to get married in future. The best part about waiting is that if it doesn't work out, you're not deeply committed on a legal level, and if it does, then obviously it's meant to happen that way.

So to all the girls in their very early 20's and below, I hope my telepathic messages reach the logic center of your brains.

Or maybe my facial reaction of this will say enough when you give me the news...

Quote unrelated:
"Individuals who want to believe that there is no fulfillment in love, that true love does not exist, cling to these assumptions because this despair is actually easier to face than the reality that love is a real fact of life but is absent from their lives." - bell hooks

And Carly said, "Let there be a blog"

I figured the interwebz would be a great place to talk about my day to day events and thoughts because so many people do it, that mine will be a place not often ventured into. Not sure how often I'll post or if I'll even keep this whole blog thing up considering my commitment level might not be too high.

Today, I've been reflecting on myself and recent events, which I don't always allow myself to do. A week ago, my boyfriend of almost two years and I broke things off officially and for good. We've been "broken up" for the past two months but still sorta romantic. I just haven't been attracted to him romantically for the past couple of months, and I've seen him more as a best friend figure. He's known and now with the final blow, he's sad and distant which leaves me lonely and thinking. I befriend males mostly because I connect with them better. I attended a daycare with the majority of the population being boys, and being the adaptive child I was, I found myself loving sports, video games, and dirt. Unfortunately as I grew older, boys have wanted to be more than friends most of time, making it difficult to find long term friends. With that being said, and my ex (lets call him Alex) being my best friend for the past two years, I don't really have that many people to talk about it with.

I do have a good friend, who currently attends college in Iowa (we'll call him Ryan), and we have quite an interesting relationship. It's difficult to explain, but to make things a bit more clear, I was definitely daydreaming about dancing with him this morning. He's redefining the word "love," and as I reflect more on who I am and what I believe, I find myself taking in ideas and integrating them into my system of things. I love Ryan. Not in the romantic way but in the human to another human way. That doesn't mean I don't find him attractive though because I totally do.

Things that made me smile (because I need more positive in my life):

• Passed my computer literacy test meaning I don't have to take a class
• Made a 110 on my microbiology test
• Pretty sure I did well on my nutrition test
• Signed up to be a volunteer in my community 
• Took a nice walk and ran
• Played the piano and sang a bit

On another note, Ryan's birthday is coming up soon, and I'm not quite sure what to send him. Oh my goodness I just need a post about Ryan and his awesome so I can get that out. Maybe another day. Our feelings towards each other are mutual so it's not like it's some secret either. 

I'm currently taking a women's studies course, and I'm not sure what I want to do as my project. I think it should be over either religion and women or misogyny, violence, and the make believe "friendzone." The friendzone is a more current idea among mainly young men that if you're nice to someone they automatically owe you either sex or a romantic relationship. You can see it almost anywhere on the internet. I recommend an awesome blog against these so called "Nice Guys" and the friendzone.

Yeah, I think I'll be done now. Ha. I wonder if I'll ever post again.