Wednesday, October 30, 2013

If I Ever..

If I ever bring a child or two into this world, holy moly, am I scared for them. I like kids, but it's sorta scary to think they'd be growing up in a world where you can get access to anything at any point. With 8 year olds texting each other to internet access, it's just a little rattling. I know as a kid, after I got a virus on the computer, that exploring the internet was not always smart, but I learned my way around the places I liked. Keep in mind I was in middle school so I wasn't like 10 or under. My brother on the other hand was more prone to finding toxic things considering he got a looser chain than I did. I mean I was much older until I came upon things that were burned into my brain and made me question humanity. The ratio of bad things to good is probably like 20:1 if not higher. I know you can restrict kids, but there are parents that don't. Their kids talk to your kids at school and tell them all about it. Sometimes they tell them how to get around it. Not to mention kids are way smarter than we give them credit for and discover things at a quick rate due to natural curiosity. Or at least, that's how I remember learning html and graphics editing/manipulation. Texting is the other scary thing. I mean geez sexting is like huge nowadays. Wow. I just realized I'm freaking out about the safety of my children that don't even exist yet and probably won't for another seven plus years. Okay then..I guess I should pick up on this topic in another seven plus years after technology has changed like crazy again.

Monday, October 28, 2013

I Am Lost

I don't know where I'm going or where I want to go. I don't know who I want to be. I don't really know what I want. I just don't know anything. I am so lost that it looks like I am nowhere. Nothing I have done feels worthwhile. I don't know my purpose. I want to help others, but I need help first. I don't know what the heck I'm doing. I am so lost that I physically want to get lost so I can feel at home. I don't understand.

I am a girl with an androgynous mind. I am fiery. I am quiet and shy. I am a listener. I am a learner. I am curious. I am a sister. I am a strong believer in equality. I am someone who loves to laugh. I am 20. I am able to choose whatever. I love him AND I am in love with him. I am indecisive. I am a human. I am scared. I am lost. I am free but I am stuck.

Where am I


Friday, October 25, 2013

What a Weirdo

Referring to myself.
I wonder if there's something wrong with me. I'm not really fond of being a girl. It's not hard to imagine why. Periods, carrying and pushing out babies, the social uncalled punishment, being seen as the "weaker sex." I don't know, but I don't feel like a girl in my head. I don't feel like a boy either though. And I don't want to be a boy. But women get very emotional about having to lose their breasts to cancer. I understand being upset about cancer, but if I had to kiss my boobs goodbye, I would not be heartbroken in the slightest. Bras are freaking expensive. I'm just not sure what I am or really what I want to be. I feel like this biological sex thing is only useful for one thing and that's reproducing. I'm not sure why my organs determine what I can and can't do in the eyes of others, what my traits are, how I think, how I respond, and everything else I'm supposed to be. I can't identify. Like yeah I'm attracted to men, but that's pretty much it. I feel weird, and it's weird because I have always felt like this. I haven't really been able to put it into words though when I was younger. Anyway, time to go watch a scary movie.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Reset Button

If I could just pack up and leave and start anew, I think I would. I want another life. I want a do over. I want to start over and try again. Maybe with different surroundings. Leave the people I know behind and be someone I'm not in a place I've never been. Then maybe I'd like it. I could be outgoing and confident. I could be cute and flirty because no one would know me. I wouldn't even have to have the same name. I could make up a nickname for myself. I feel like I've hit a wall in my life and I'm stuck since I'm not sure what to do next. I think it's because I've made one too many mistakes. So if only there was a reset button like a video game, I could try again and take it slow to do things right.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Interpretations

AHHHH I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW. I've been feeling so distant from religion and so set off by the complementary view of the female/male relationship that is often preached. But at long last, I have discovered I'm not crazy for feeling weird about that and that there's a thing called egalitarianism in Christianity that agrees with my viewpoint. Like I almost started singing from being so happy. Ah yes. Then I read an article and just wanted to dance because I am not insane. I can still attempt to go down this Christian rode that I thought might dead end. *flies off into infinity and dies of satisfaction*

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Late Night Thoughts

From last night.

I want to curl up with you in a dark and quiet room where I can't see a thing. To explore what we get little of. Using gentle fingertips to find the other's. To let our legs tangle like vines. To hear the rhythm of your heart and feel the beat echo throughout you. To feel the rising of your chest and feel your warm breath against my skin as it falls. To lightly touch the softness of the skin on your nose with mine and compare it to the friendly scratchiness of your beard. To carefully place my lips on your hand, neck, cheek, forehead, nose, and mouth. To blindly trace the features on you to get to know them better. To feel the warmth radiate like the love between us. Seeing nothing yet seeing everything. Can I just curl up with you and say I'm here to stay?

People Who Comment On Yahoo Articles

Why I always scroll down to look I don't know. It's like picking up a rock and finding the world's most extreme, ignorant, and insensitive people from America. It's gross. Do you think if you beat people with books long enough the information will somehow flow into their damaged brains? I just...Sheesh. Abby Wambach made the articles after she married her girlfriend, and of course the users explode with, "why is this news," or "if she married a man it wouldn't matter." All of which are complete crap. She's a famous soccer player considering she has outscored Mia Hamm so she's probably going to make the news whether you like it or not. She's a great role model for younger girls so everyone's homophobic comments should self destruct. I just. Why. This isn't the only article where this sort of crap happens.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Lack of Motivation

The title literally says it all. I don't feel motivated to do anything. Need to call someone about missing all this school? Eh. Leave on time to get somewhere on time? Oh well. Contact someone to get volunteer work? Bleh. Look for a job? Blah. Exercise because that's what I should do? No thanks. Make myself a meal so I don't starve off? I'll pass. Like what in the world. It's like I've passively lost the will to live or do anything with myself. Technically, I did lose the will to live a couple weeks ago and landed myself in a hospital. But here I am not feeling with it. I don't want to relapse and land myself prisoner to another ward. I don't know. Things aren't as shiny or nice. I don't really know what my purpose here is. I feel ungrateful because there's a lot to be happy about but I'm not happy. I just feel the need to lay around and waste away. Wow writing is really depressing. And in the actual sense. I need to stop now.

Friday, October 4, 2013

The World Before Us

We fill our lungs with the same air.
Our hearts beat the same liquid life.
We can both see the world before us
Yet we are separate.
Two separate things able to share our own touch with one another.
Touch each others skin and hearts.
Separate beings coming together to share similar life but different lives.
The world becomes more beautiful with more eyes to see it.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

In Other News

Besides whatever is happening in current events which is apparently madness, I bring you an important news bulletin.

ATTENTION: I am very freckly, and a certain boy told me he's making it his goal to kiss every single one of my freckles. If that isn't one of the cutest things you've heard, then please reconsider your personality as I blush to death. That is all.